Day 133: Prince of Peace

 “He Himself is our peace.” Ephesians 2:14

“I am leaving you with a gift – peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn't like the peace the world gives. Do don't be troubled or afraid.” John 14:27

The peace of God isn't something that has rested within me as of late. As I begin a new season in my life, there is far more worry, anxiety, frustration, and loneliness, that plague my thinking. I hold myself to standards that could be deemed unreasonable, and then struggle with not exceeding what I've set before myself.

Usually, God's peace is what I delight in, and I'm blessed to not hold on to many of the issues I once had before I knew, and started walking with, the Lord.

But now, more than ever it seems, am I losing all that I knew of that peace.

And so I go back to His word and remember that He doesn't give peace as the world does. He embodies peace. He IS peace.

And it's a reminder I'll need for the rest of my life.

I feel like so many times my life is out of wack because I have taken it into my own hands. I don't know peace because I refuse to rest in it.

I refuse to rest in Him.

I make time for everything else, but wonder why none of it puts me at ease.

The answer is so simple.

I want God's peace to reside in me, and to calm everything I have going on now. I know that without this peace, I am lost, but instead of trying hard to regain it, I find myself giving up.

I can't give up.

I won't give up.

There is peace to be had with God, and my heart and mind know this full well.

Pray that I let this peace wash over me, and pray that you do, too.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 132: The Lion

“Stop weeping – behold the Lion...has overcome.” Revelation 5:5

“Furthermore, we have seen with our own eyes and now testify that the Father sent His Son to be the savior of the world. We know how much God loves us and how we have put our trust in Him.” 1 John 4:14

In the entirety of the scriptures, one of my definite top three names for God is the Lion.

If you know anything about me, you know that I am fairly competitive, and dare I say...aggressive. And, if I were an animal, I'm pretty sure that I would want to be a lion. There is something so strong, fierce, and regal about the lion.

There is something about this animal that makes it seem...respectable, royal, and fit to reign in the animal kingdom.

Much like that feeling I have for the Lion the animal, I have similar feelings about the Lion of Judah, or God.

When I think about Jesus, I think about respectability, royalty, strength, and power...all similar to the attributes of a lion. I don't think of Jesus as a shy person because scripture clearly shows that along with being respectable and strong, He was also intelligent, and very aware of his surroundings.

The sign of Jesus' power can clearly be seen in the strength and bravery of a lion, and also, I see the victory in light of this symbol as well. Like the passage in Revelation notes, we are called to stop weeping because the Lion, or Jesus, has overcome.

He is powerful enough to overcome your issues, and pain, and worries, and anxiety, because He has already overcome the world.

Immerse yourself in this victory, and praise the Lion of Judah who has overcome the world to set us free.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 131: The Lord is My Rock

“Trust in the LORD always for the LORD GOD is the eternal rock.” Isaiah 26:4

“Anyone who listens to My teaching and obeys Me is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won't collapse, because it is built on rock.” Matthew 7: 24-25

For the next month or so, I will be devoting my blog to the names of God that I received at the women's night in prayer, 2012, at solid rock. Not only will this focus my thoughts of God, but I know that it will help us all to remember all that he does for us through the names that He has.

It's only been four days since Lent has started, but this season has been difficult for me. Amidst the daily grind, my mind just gets caught up in so many things, regardless of whether or not I want to think about them.

This has been a time for me to really figure out how to take my thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ.

Remembering that the Lord is my rock is really all that is keeping everything together for me. When I feel hopeless, or lost in the pain that I feel, I remember that nothing can move me as long as I am founded on the solid rock.

Today, at bible study, we prayed over issues that we're all having that we need to let go. Some people mentioned selfishness, and others believing the lies of the enemy. But, for me, I confessed my lack of trust in God.

I confessed how I haven't trusted him completely with the issues that I'm going through, mostly because sometimes I like to hold on to things. As weird as it is, sometimes God is there for us but we choose to remain in the dark for a little while longer.

Just one more drink.

Just one more kiss.

Just one more night in sin.

It's with this lack of trust that I've felt myself slipping further away from what He has for me. But, it is with this reminder that He is my rock that I can really see what God's word says about who He is.

Trust Him when He tells you who He is. He is the rock, and a solid foundation that you can build your life on.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 128, 129, 130: I Can See Clearly Now

It's incredible what God will show you when you open your eyes.

In the past three days, I have had the most amazing times that I have had in a while. Spending time with friends, praying hard for everything under the sun, and experiencing some much needed time away from certain situations in my life, God is really allowing me to see what life “abundant” looks like.

He's also showing me what it looks like to be free.

In my life, I have never really considered myself to have any addictions, or to have an “addictive” personality, so to speak. But, in this time away from the conventional, God has shown me that although I may not have common “addictions,” I definitely have made certain things, and peoples, idols in my life, which have fostered addictions.

It's funny how you don't recognize that you're a captive, until you know freedom.

And that is the story of the cross that I daily remind myself when I find myself weakly reaching back to those things that held me in great bondage. If I think on what He did to set me free, and what I was set free from, and for, it makes accepting that grace, mercy, and freedom even easier.

He is helping me to see clearly, and to love Him better in the midst of this clarity.

In Christ,

Lilia

P.S. At the women's night of prayer, we had an amazing time, and spent conversations discussing the names of God. In my next blogs, I will focus on one name, per day, and relate how God is influential in my life through that specific name. I'm stoked...stay tuned!

Day 127: A God That Feels

I never take the time to think about the fact that I love a God who feels.
He is love, defined, but He knows the entire range of human emotions; nothing I feel is lost on Him.
A while back, John Mark discussed a passage from Hebrews that highlighted this fact that God is not only able to see what we're going through, but he is able to empathize with what we are going through.
We are not alone. It's raw truth.
So why do I feel like I am alone sometimes?
Lately, I've been feeling this way. I have the most amazing support system in the world, but my mouth and heart feel dry. I don't feel like talking to anyone, much. And when I do, I question everything that comes out of my mouth. In my mind I sound silly, useless, sad, unfortunate.
And on top of that, I don't really feel like feeling. It's as if I am feeling too much at once to really comprehend what it all means. And I don't know if I want to comprehend what it all means.
Ugh, humanity. This is what it feels like.
And He still came.
He still felt:
“For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin.” Hebrews 4:15
He knows what I am going through, the sin I am tempted with, and the weaknesses I have in my life. And yet He encourages me to overcome, because He has overcome the world. And through him, I can do the same.
He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world. 1 John 4:4
And this is why we have hope, so that we can “approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:16
God is there not only to feel our pain, but to show us grace and mercy in the midst of it.
Because God isn't only victorious, but He knows how I feel every step of the way, and encourages me to keep going.
May we listen to what he has for us, fully knowing that He knows us inside and out.
In Christ,
Lilia

Day 126: For Freedom

I talk such a big game about urging women to remember their worth. I am the first to point out a woman's value in Jesus, and am deeply saddened when I see women treated badly, or in situations that cause them to lose hope or feel neglected in who they are as people.

Only now am I realizing that I am struggling with this very problem.

In my journey to discover what true femininity looks like, in God's eyes, I assumed naively that this meant I must completely eradicate who I am. After all, who would want to marry a woman who speaks her mind, or who is sometimes sassy, or who can....gasp, do things on her own?!

At first I thought I was just becoming more of a servant, but then I realized that I was letting people come in to my life and use me for whatever purposes they had. In retrospect, I realized that I was looking at it as a lesson in learning what it meant to be selfless, and to try and help people as much as possible. But, I'm slowly catching on to the fact that just because I am trying to be selfless, gentle, obedient, vulnerable, etc, doesn't mean that I need to equate these ideas with weakness.

I can be strong and gentle, well spoken and obedient, stable and vulnerable.

I can recognize my worth in Christ, and not be someone's rag doll that they take their mental frustration out on.

Lately, I have been that girl. The one who can kiss all of the bad things away (sometimes literally), but only when needed and wanted.

I am not that woman.
I want to pour out and be poured into, spoken to and listened to, appreciative and appreciated.
It was for freedom that He set us free, and I need to live like that.


In Christ,
Lilia

Day 125: Forty.

This week is flying by: Fat Tuesday, Ash Wednesday, and now lent is upon us. It's funny to hear people talk about lent, and specifically what they are planning to give up, because most often it is something that they could easily do without.

But then there those who instinctively search within their lives for what they feel intensely connected to, and opt to cut it out of their lives for forty days.

I don't usually participate in lent, mostly because I don't necessarily see any root in it besides the imitation of Christ's time in the wilderness for 40 days and nights, but I think I want to give it a go. Here, and now.

There is one thing in my life that has had a huge impact as of late, both negative and positive. It's something that I value greatly, but also something that has seemed to consume parts of my heart and thought life like I didn't think possible.

And so I'm done, for forty days, starting today.

Jesus, you know my heart; keep it close to you. Help me.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 124: Read This Book, And Tell Me What You Think!

A Return to Modesty, by Wendy Shalit. Read it, read it, read it. I'm not even finished with it, but I endorse it. This blog is just to put the word out there that this book is a refreshing look at what it means to be modest in our society. In a time when sexual liberation seems to be the only way to be 'independent' as a woman, this book challenges the status quo in a thoughtful and meaningful way.

Read on, sisters...and brothers, if you're so inclined :)

 

Day 123: Overwhelmed

Sometimes I'm just plain overwhelmed.

If you had told me a year ago that I would be blessed with some of the things in my life now, I probably would've laughed in your face. If anyone had told me that I would be plugged in to a house church that is completely sold out to following Christ, or if I would be leading worship there, or working in the children's ministry, or traveling to Haiti, I would not have believed you.

Isn't that usually how God works?

In my life, God has sustained me with the people that he surrounds me with, and the gifts that he gives me. He has enabled me to grow in a church that has grown by the thousands since I first encountered it. And he has helped me to be unafraid at meeting new people, and really digging in deep with them.

He has made me unashamed.

But, he still sees me where I am and knows my heart. He still bears with me when I fall into the sins of my past, or when I let the world, and people in it, tell me that I am worth less than what he says of me.

But he is faithful, in the midst of all of my issues. He has never left me. He will never leave me.

God is constantly reminding me of his sovereignty, and his providence. He is not a God that will be manipulated, or cheapened. He is a God who shows mercy and saves us by grace. He is a God that wants all of me, or none of me.

There is no room for the lukewarm.

And so that is my mission. I need to be a woman who is sold out for what I believe in, and not only that, but who is rock solid in the foundation of who my God is. I can't be the woman who is flippant about the word of God, or reads her bible sometimes.

If I want to know who my God is, I need to dig in and SEE FOR MYSELF. I need to get my hands dirty, searching through scripture so that when I am met with opposition, I do not wither like a weak flower, but stand upright like a tree firmly rooted.

I encourage you, Christian, to look at what God has given you, and to really examine if you realize how great these blessings are and if you really understand where they come from. God is teaching me that knowing who he is the entire point.

If I asked you to tell me who God is, or what Jesus did, or why any of it matters, could you tell me? If I didn't know Jesus, would you know the first thing to say to me?

I'm not writing this to intimidate, but to encourage everyone to actually know, and live, the faith that you so desperately defend. We are responsible to articulate the hope that we have in us.

God doesn't need a defender, but he wants a witness.

That witness is you, and me.

But to witness, we have to see him clearly.

Let his very presence overwhelm us.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 122: The Missing Piece

I know I'm not alone in realizing the lack of a women's ministry at my church. In a place where the majority of people serving, in every ministry, appear to be women, I was completely caught off guard when I realized that there was nothing in place specifically for these servants, these women who give so freely and gladly of themselves.

Why? I'm not sure.

Besides the women's night of prayer, which is one of my favorite events personally, I've noticed a decline in events for women. A few years back, I remember hearing of a women's retreat, but am wondering why that isn't happening annually, and why there is nothing else going on for women in our church.

I am completely in love with Solid Rock because I know we are a body of believers who love Jesus, so please don't think that this post is meant to bring anyone in our church down. I'm just writing this to ask you (the two or three people who actually read this blog, ha!) to pray about all of this.

Pray for vision for the leadership, and women, at Solid Rock to come together and find something that fits us and follows what Jesus would have. There is an overwhelming amount of beauty in our church, through the women who are absolutely in love with Jesus, and I want nothing more to have a solid ministry that would enable them to be poured into so that they may more easily pour out into their own ministries and to their friends and family.

For a church who has become incredible at raising up amazing male leaders, I pray that we can establish a healthy community for women, centered around our first love: Jesus.

We need more than a blog.

We need Jesus, relationships, and community, in a real and meaningful way.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 121: Forced to Heal

A friend of mine, who I feel is in some ways wise beyond his years, wrote this as his facebook status today:

“Broken people; we feel love, but it scares us. It feels fake and cheesy, so we respond awkwardly or sometimes almost violently. We learned to fight against that because when we were younger and more impressionable it was very often and/or quickly followed by pain. We learned to survive. Jesus works on us, with us over time.

Please continue to partner with God's only Son as He works on the lives of people around you, in all the different ways that He does it. Don't force your time-table for someone else's healing. We want to heal too, some of us know that you just want it so badly for us that you try to push, coax and encourage us. As God leads you, do these things but most of all; love us.. Love us, in deed and in truth.”

When I read this, I was almost in tears and immediately convicted. I realized how guilty I have been of almost forcing other people to heal. When you care about someone so deeply, the greatest difficulty is to watch them struggle through the pain in their lives.

Sometimes it's too much, and we try to step in and encourage them to move past it, to rest in Jesus, to get over it already!

How insensitive and counter productive. How selfish.

I just want my friends to be happy, and at peace with their lives, but I am discovering that I have very little to do with that. I am not God; I am not the one who can make them whole. So why do I act like that, sometimes? Why do I think that one word I say will magically heal them from years of deep wounds and pain?

Wishful thinking never really got anyone anywhere.

Thinking on Jesus does, though.

So as I watch my friends through ups and downs, and even as I feel my own life traveling down corridors of joy and adversity, I have to remember that we heal with God on His time, not on our own, and certainly not on the time of our loved ones.

I wanted so much to encourage and love my friends, that I didn't realize I was sometimes making them uncomfortable, and perhaps even disrespected, in my urge for them to “get better.”

God is the great physician, healing my friends and me from the brokenness of this world.

This is an open apology to any of my friends who have felt like I've pushed them to heal faster than they were made to.

I'm sorry, ad I hope that you can see how Jesus has changed my heart, and is showing me that I am just to come alongside you, and love you, for however long it takes.

And I am willing.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 120: Going Back For More

In life, there are things that are good for you, and things that are bad for you. Sometimes, they are hard to decipher, and become muddled amidst the business of life. But, sometimes, they are entirely obvious. Sometimes, people are cruel to us, abusive in some cases, yet we find ourselves still in their presence, still desiring to be a part of their lives.

We find ourselves going back for more.

It's incredibly hard to watch this all unfold, especially from the vantage point of a friend of the person obviously being hurt, over and over again.

And then we get to the point that we stop caring. We get to a point where we wash our hands of everything, and tell the person that they are essentially on their own because it's too difficult to watch them throw their lives away.

And how true that is.

It is so painful to watch someone suffer at the hands of another. But, there is nothing more painful than to watch that person go back to that abuse time, and time, again. It's almost as if that person is clutching to a hope that they refuse to dismiss.

They are holding on, no matter what.

And, even though I completely find myself identifying as the friend who can't bear to watch their friend hurt anymore, I wonder what would've happened if Jesus gave up on me. What if He walked away because He couldn't stand to watch me sin again?

I would be lost, forever, left to my own devices and sin.

But He will never give up.

He is mercy.

He is patience.

He is grace.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think it's right when people remain in abusive relationships, or put themselves in situations where they are repeatedly disrespected, but I can't fault their honest desire to see the people that are hurting them change.

That heart for change, mercy, justice, grace, is the exact same heart that Jesus has for all of us.

The thing we need to remember is that we cannot fix these people, only Jesus can. But, can we pray for them, show them love, mercy, patience, and grace?

Yes.

And I believe we're called to do so.

If you have someone who is being hurt by someone else, remind them that they don't need to subject themselves to that pain in order to “save” this other person. And remind them that they can't save that person, anyway.

Remind them that Jesus can save, and can do the same for their abuser as He did when He radically stepped into their lives and showed them mercy and grace.

Tell them that when they remove themselves from the situation, they can still show these people who Jesus is, and they can rest in His arms while doing so.

No one should be subject to hurting, but no one should be denied the chance for mercy and grace, either.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 119: Learning How To Die

Some days are better than others. Today was one of those days where I caught myself in the presence of great, caring, and amazing people. And, naturally, I was saddened at the thought of leaving them. I was torn at the idea of being on the cusp of so many great things, and then leaving.

I became so sad so quickly, and so I got to wondering what God is up to. What is He pulling me away from all of this great stuff for?

And in the midst of my thinking, a song by Jon Foreman came into my mind. It's been on a random mixed CD that a friend of mine made for me, and each time I heard the song, I was struck by its incredibly simple beauty.

As with most of his music, this song was sparse and simple, relying on a strong melody and very emotional vocals. The song is called, “Learning How To Die,” and as I listened, I felt like I figured out a huge part of what my time up here in Oregon has been for.

I think I was called here to learn how to die.

The scriptures teach that when we choose to follow Jesus, we don't do so lightly. Instead, we instinctively pick up our cross, knowing full well that to follow Jesus means that we must deny, and essentially die to, ourselves. We must live as sacrifices to God, holy and pleasing to His will.

This is what I have spent six years of my life learning, and God has been faithful in His guiding, discipline, and encouragement.

I feel like God has shown me that I am capable of discerning how I should go about taking up my cross and follow Him. And, I feel like He is challenging me to really, finally, give up everything that I have here in order to pursue what He has for me thousands of miles away. He is pulling me out of my comfort zone that He has given me, in order that I might truly die to my own desires, and recognize His.

He brought me here not only to find life, and life abundant, in Jesus, but He also brought me here to die.

And what a fitting death it has been, and will continue to be, in light of His glory and victory.

In Christ,

Lilia

 

Day 118: What I Hate, I Do

“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” Romans 7:15

This has been my life, lately.

After I finished my last blog, I felt as though I wrote too much about how I had been affected by another person's lack of respect for me, and for themselves. I didn't feel like I took enough responsibility for the predicament I'm in.

That is what this blog post is for.

I have been completely destroying my life as of late. In the midst of all of the blessings that God is pouring down on me, I have struggled with issues of self control and personal purity.

I have gratified my emotional, and physical, desires without thinking about consequences and/or the repercussions. Yes, I felt that I was somewhat lead astray, but I willingly went, knowing full well that my self control was weak, at best.

I was satisfied with happiness instead of life-giving joy.

And now, when I think about it, it's obvious that my lack of self control came from my lack of discipline to be in the word and fellowship. Although I read everyday, I wasn't digging in like I usually do, and I really wasn't investing in God's word, as usual.

On top of that, I wasn't keeping myself accountable. There was no discussion, confession, redemption. All I had was tearful repentance, alone.

That is not what we are called to.

I was purposefully keeping myself distant, and in the dark.

Realizing all of this came in the midst of confusion. I had so many things to say about this situation, but what it all came down to was that I was unhappy because I knew that this situation wouldn't get better. It couldn't, at least not in the direction it was going.

I spent most of today with my mind absent from all of this. At my new job, there is a ton of stuff to keep me busy, and so luckily there is nothing on my mind besides what I need to get done. On the drive home, though, I thought about how ridiculous I was to allow myself to reach this point.

What was wrong with me?

Instead of being a person who brings glory to Jesus, I felt like someone detracting so much from Him. And there really isn't another feeling comparable to that. But as much as I could spend my time wallowing in how dumb I am, I find myself remembering grace...remembering mercy.

In light of what I've been going through, I know that I need to come to the cross and really give it to Christ. In terms of self control, and the discipline I know I need, I'm looking to God's word to teach, and remind, me of the true fruit of the spirit that self control is.

God is teaching me that when I am right with Him, fruit will grow and I will not wither away like I have been doing for the past few months. I'm ending this blog with the fruit of the spirit, so that you can soak up what I am soaking up, and can see how we will know if we're in right relationship with God.

Are we peaceful, joyful, loving, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle? Do we have self control?

I need to crucify my flesh, and I know that Christ is the only one who can help me to do that.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.” Galatians 5:22-25

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 117: How We Love

As long as I can remember, I've been fond of Valentine's day. Perhaps in high school, I wasn't the biggest fan, but after that I think I grew to appreciate a day where people openly showed their affection towards the important people in their lives.

Don't get me wrong, I think that people should show their love for people year round, every day, but I think it's nice to see everyone actually taking time on Valentine's day to do that.

Sometimes, people just need a day like that to give them an opportunity that they otherwise wouldn't have seen, or been brave enough to create on their own.

Having said all of that, Valentine's Day was the last thing on my mind this year. Besides the fact that my love life (and mostly lack thereof) has been confused for some time, and blatantly uncertain, I didn't give much thought to this holiday of the heart.

And then a friend took the time to extend a dinner invitation to me. I was grateful for this gesture, and for someone who I so respect to think of me.

I was really surprised, because for so long I was used to being in the background. I was the girl vying for attention amidst so many others, being sometimes lied to and lead on along the way. And it was mostly my fault, because I let myself be that girl.

And then tonight happened, and I realized something: I forgot what it felt like to be respected as a woman. I forgot that men can be men, and can take a girl out, and honestly have conversation, listen, speak, and enjoy time spent together.

I didn't have to worry about the way I looked, or if he was going to try anything, or if I would be put in a situation I didn't really want to be in.

I remembered that when women feel loved (as friends, girlfriends, daughters, sisters, etc.), they are so willing to react with respect. And to see the way my friend loves me as a friend only spurred me on to respect him more as a brother in Christ.

God is teaching me that I don't need to give away pieces of my heart, body, or anything else in order to find favor or love from men, because guys who are truly seeking after God are only after what is holy, and not what is “hot.”

God is showing me that I am to be faithful to Him, and that there are people who see that and are drawn to it. I want to be the woman who draws people in with my obvious affection for the God that created me, because I know if Christ draws these people in, then anything can be built upon that solid of a foundation.

Friendship. Love. Anything.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 116: The "Needs" Filler

Lately, I’ve been what I would call a needs-filler.

Instead of being able to bring life, passion, and God’s glory into the lives of other people, I have been content merely giving them what they need, or what I think they need.  Sometimes, it’s because it’s all I’m willing to give, and other times, it’s because they only want what they need from me.

In many relationships in my life, I am unwilling to give everything.  I am unwilling to give freely and gladly, keeping everything worthwhile to myself.  I know that there are friends of mine who need more than I am giving, but for some reason, I am unable to give them more. 

There is a word for this: selfish.

And then, in some relationships, I am ready to give everything I have, only to find that the person doesn’t want any of it, or only wants to choose certain parts of it to embrace, while discarding the rest.

There is a word for this: pathetic.

So I am caught in the middle, wondering how I am able to give so much and hold so much back at the same time.  I’m wondering how my actions affect the people closest to me, and how my willingness, or unwillingness, to give, affects them.

Do those that need more even realize that I’m not giving them everything I have?

Do those that have everything even realize that they are sucking me dry of everything I have to give?

And of course…the most important question:  what does God have to say about this?

The bible is so clear about what we are supposed to give up in our lives (the cost of the Way), in order to follow Jesus, and it is no different when it comes to how we are supposed to treat each other.

Amidst the entire list of what we are called to share in as a part of community (admonishing, praising, encouraging, singing to each other in psalms, carrying each other’s burdens, rejoicing, praying, etc.), everything can all be summed up in one great truth that Jesus shares with us in John’s gospel:

“My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.  Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”  John 15:13

I am called to love all of my friends as much as I can, and completely.  I am called not only to surrender my life to Jesus, but to lay it down for all of those that I am in community with.  I can’t keep offering everything I have to some friends, only to shun others that may be in the same need. 

And, while all of this is true, I’m not silly enough to think that it will be easy.  It’s always easier said than done.  There are some friends who are difficult to love, and some that are very good at taking advantage of my love (even if they aren’t aware of it).  

God is teaching me that I need to be aware of loving Him first, and then allow His love to overflow in other relationships that I have in my life.  He is showing me that all of my friends need my everything, and not just a select few.

He chose to die for everyone, and has good worked out for all of those who are willing to choose Him.

I have to remember that I must love all because He first did.

In Christ,

Lilia

Days 113, 114, and 115: Already a Bride

This blog is to cover the couple days that I've been away from my life in PDX. The same things have been going through my mind while I've been gone, so I decided to just do one blog for my time away...

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I catch myself daydreaming sometimes. I think of what my life will be like years from now. I think about kids, soccer games, juice-stained grins, mud tracked in from a fun day in the park. I think about being a newlywed and what it's like. I think about being 70 and looking into my husbands eyes still trying to figure out how I got to be so blessed.

I think a lot.

And I know you do, too.

Humanity was created for relationship, with God and creation. We were created for love, passion, peace, joy...deep, intense feelings. We were created to work, to put action to our passion. Why is it, then, that we spend so much of our time sitting around?

Waiting.

As I look at my life as a single, 24 year old woman, I can't help but think in terms of my future as a woman. Will I ever be a wife? A mother? Will I ever further the Kingdom in a great way? I build so many things on top of one another, questions that no one but God can answer.

I never stop to realize one key truth: I'm already a bride.

In the scripture, Christ is described as a bridegroom, and the church is His bride. And, although we are sometimes lost in this broken world, it is incredibly important to remember our foundation in God because He is greater than the world.

I don't thank God enough for loving me enough.

I hope to be married, and to have children, but so much of that is rooted in my desire to be loved and to pour out the love that I have.

I forget that God's love is sufficient, as is His grace, and that pouring out my love for Him is something that will not only satisfy my soul, but will further the kingdom.

Pouring out my love for God means being kind, loving other people, sacrificing, having mercy.

It means being fruitful.

It means being faithful.

If there is one thing I have witnessed first hand about God is His unwavering, and undeniable, faithfulness. In church today, I heard that we need to cultivate His faithfulness. We need to reach deep down in the soil of our lives and work the ground to remain faithful.

We need to show up, everyday, and be faithful.

So, instead of thinking about what I want from God, I need to focus my thoughts on what I need to be doing for God. I am not a hopeless girl, waiting to be rescued by a man in order to have my life fulfilled.

Does this mean I don't want to get married? NO! I can't wait for the day...but it does mean that until that day comes (if it ever does), I will not be worrying or thinking about it. I will be focused on the fact that I am already His bride, and that His love is faithful and will spur me on to pour my entire heart out into the calling that He has in, and for, my life.

His love is a beautiful thing.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 112: Remember Me

Psalm 40

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
1 I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
and put their trust in him.
4 Blessed is the one
who trusts in the Lord,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.t
5 Many, Lord my God,
are the wonders you have done,
the things you planned for us.
None can compare with you;
were I to speak and tell of your deeds,
they would be too many to declare.
6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire—
but my ears you have openedt—
burnt offerings and sin offeringst you did not require.
7 Then I said, "Here I am, I have come—
it is written about me in the scroll.t
8 I desire to do your will, my God;
your law is within my heart."
9 I proclaim your saving acts in the great assembly;
I do not seal my lips, Lord,
as you know.
10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help.
I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness
from the great assembly.
11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, Lord;
may your love and faithfulness always protect me.
12 For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.
13 Be pleased to save me, Lord;
come quickly, Lord, to help me.
14 May all who want to take my life
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
be turned back in disgrace.
15 May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!"
be appalled at their own shame.
16 But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who long for your saving help always say,
"The Lord is great!"
17 But as for me, I am poor and needy;
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
you are my God, do not delay.

You do so much for me. Teach me how to remember your faithfulness, even when we feel faint. Remind me how you pulled me from the mud and mire and gave me a new song.

I need You to remind me that everything You have for me is for my good.

I need You.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 111: Thoughts on Friendship

I haven't had much time to really stop and think about certain things in my life. In the wake of recent, and very specific, blessings from God, I haven't taken a moment to be introspective because I've been running around trying to accomplish everything at once.

Today I stopped to wonder what friendship really means.

Last night at house church we spoke about community, and mission, and we discussed what enables groups of people to be productive. We had an entire list of scriptures, from the New Testament, that showed us how to relate to/treat each other.

Phrases like motivate, build up, encourage, love, admonish, etc. came up. These actions that are categorized with so much love are major necessities in any type of fellowship, and by extension, any type of friendship.

Looking back on that list, I'm thinking of the most significant friendships in my life an almost analyzing them. I am picking them apart to see what they are made of.

And, for the most part, I am satisfied.

For the most part, my friendships center around people who are wiling to love me, motivate me, build me up, encourage me, and even admonish (or correct) me when needed.

I am so blessed by those friendships.

But it's not what those friendships give me that show me how real they are. It's in the way these friends react to my friendship, and the way I care about them.

These friends accept my love, my encouragement, my motivation, and my admonishment. They are willing to recognize that I value them, and care about them, and generally think that they are amazing.

I know who my true friends are not in the way that they necessarily treat me, but in the way that they receive the way I treat them.

And so this is what makes it difficult for me to have friends who never really understand how much I value them, because in their misunderstanding of what they mean to me, they misunderstand what it is like to make someone else feel valued.

It is impossible to build up, motivate, encourage, and especially love someone as a friend if you don't know what it feels like to accept those things from someone else.

I feel like God is helping me to take a step back and examine, question, prod these thoughts that I am having.

He is teaching me that to give, we first have to be poured into. But to be poured into, we have to be willing to let someone pour into us.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 110: Coming and Going

It's sometimes fun to see how God confirms certain things in our lives. When I felt God's pull back home to the islands, I was immediately hesitant and needed much confirmation to make the move. But every time I talked to someone about it, their face gave away what they were thinking:

You can't leave!

Now, this was something I wasn't necessarily expecting. But, it seemed to confirm what I was already feeling from God. He showed me that I had made the impact I was hoping to make in my time up here. For a long time, I was separated from having any fellowship with a church family because I was shuffling between two churches, and walked away completely at one point.

God has shown me what true fellowship is like, which is something I desperately needed.

And, after expressing that to people, they realize how good God is, and that even though it's tough for me to leave, it's an exciting adventure as well.

It is so encouraging to hear people say that they will miss me, but that they know God has worked on me, equipped me, and prepared me for what is about to happen.

Six years ago, no one would have said this of me.

In my fear of returning home, my heart has been on a roller coaster, wondering if/when I will finally plateau and then ultimately drop. In the past few days, I've felt peace come over this decision, and even though most people still express sadness in the fact that I'm leaving, they are quick to say that it is clear what God is doing.

It is clear that God is in this.

And so I am realizing that I have learned a thing or two on the journey that God has taken me on while up here. I am not perfect, by any sense of the word, but God has developed my heart and mind into a much more mature person than I was before. Whenever we hear that He will not give us anything we're not prepared for, it often seems to be too good to be true.

I am seeing how I'm living proof of that.

Without God, I would not be ready to return home. And, I believe that it is because of His plan that I have acquired such a deep love and passion for Oregon and the people I've met. I feel like He has prepared me, and shown me how to love, so that when I go home I can be the woman He has shaped me to be, instead of who I was before I came to Oregon.

I look back on that sad girl and it makes me laugh.

I'm still a mess, but by the grace of God I've come farther than I thought possible...and He's still spurning me on to seek Him, be more like Him, and to completely fall in love with Him.

God is teaching me that these years, and this love I have for my life now, has not been developed in vain. He is teaching me that these six years have been practice for the very real tests ahead.

It's the destination AND the journey.


In Christ,
Lilia

Day 109: Get Up, Get Ready, and Go

 Do you ever have moments when you look at yourself and ask, how am I different than I was before?

I often have these moments.

In the midst of giving my life to Christ, and finding out what that really means every single day, I still find myself looking in the mirror and wondering if there is any real change happening. I provoke my own thoughts, wondering if I actually make the choice to let the spirit dwell within me everyday, or if I put it off as something lower on my priority list.

How do you gauge if what you are reading, and learning, about Jesus is actually making its way from your mind to your hands and your feet? How do you measure your salvation?

I feel like the answer, biblically, is work.

Good works.

Now, don't get me wrong. When I say measure salvation, I don't mean appropriate a cost, which is obviously more than paid for by Christ's blood. Instead, I mean measuring the health of your salvation, if you will. Are you strong, and confident, in the saving grace that has gripped your life, or are you feeble with the spirit, unsure if you really are saved or are just having an “experience”?

I know these questions are big, but they are essential.

Looking at my own life, I am discouraged with what I do, spend my money, time, energy on. Instead of shopping for clothes I don't need, why aren't I donating that money to people that I know need it more? Now that I have a pretty steady job, why aren't I contributing more of my time instead of wasting away on facebook and whatever other fruitless online endeavors I entertain?

I haven't felt the greatest these past few weeks, and I'm feeling as though it's a direct correlation with what I'm actually doing, or should I say...not doing.

I need to remember not just Ephesians 2:8, but also Ephesians 2:10, which says, “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

God has prepared good works for us to complete, so what are we waiting for? Sometimes I think that my faith is so my own, and that I'm good to go, in a sense.

I forget that my faith is not only my own, but it is what bonds me to the community that I have been given by God. I am called not only to be in right relationship with God, but in right relationship with all those around me.

I am called to do good works in Christ Jesus that God has already prepared for me.

It's time to get up, get ready, and seek out that work.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 108: Made to Work

From the beginning of God's story, work has never been absent. He begins creating the heavens and the earth, working in His element, crafting everything we see around us. From mountains, to streams, to humanity, God worked hard and saw that it was good.

We were created, and then we were given work. Work was a blessing, a good thing that God gave to Adam and Eve so that they could enjoy Eden and everything it had to offer.

But, we know what happens next. In the midst of beautiful creation, and the blessing that is work, the fall of humanity reaches its apex when punishment is given for the sin of Adam and Eve. The ground is cursed, but so often what people take from this is that work is cursed.

Work is not cursed.

Work is a blessing.

Go back to Genesis and read it for yourself.

God worked in creation from the beginning, and he passed that blessing on to us.

Now, work can be a broad spectrum of things. Many of us seem to work at jobs that we don't care for (something I'm all too familiar with), and many of us work for things that aren't necessarily good. We, as followers of Christ, are called to do good works. Sometimes we miss the point because of grace.

Some people think grace is all you need, while others think works are all you need.

Truth is, you need both.

In Ephesians 2:8, Paul discusses how grace is a gift from God, and it is the key to our salvation. There's nothing that we can do to earn God's salvation, but there is something we can do to show evidence of it: we can work for the good.

We are created to do good works in Christ Jesus.

We are created to contribute to human flourishing.

And, of course, there is also the difference between vocation and occupation.

Usually, our jobs, or the work we do every day to make ends meet is our occupation. It's not necessarily what you want to do (much like my previous job), but it pays the bills.

On the flip side, there is vocation, which is your “calling” by God. It's work that “fits” you, glorifies God, and helps others.

For some of you, these may be completely different.

For some of you, these may be the same.

For me, a job teaching would be both my vocation, and occupation..which is a blessing that the Lord has given me. But, even now, in my current position, I need to remember that my occupation, and vocation, should both glorify God.

What many people do is separate the sacred from the secular. Many people think that their job is a part of their secular lifestyle, and that they are only spiritual or sacred when they are in church.

What we need to understand is that EVERYTHING MATTERS TO GOD.

There is no such thing as the secular/sacred divide!

God wants all of you in your occupation, and vocation, in your miserable job, or your extremely fulfilling job.

No matter where you are, or how you feel about work, remember that it is a blessing from God and that you can find ways to worship Him through what you do.

And, if you can't, then it may be time to reevaluate exactly what you do...

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 107: Beware the Thief

Whether we admit it or not, there are some times in our lives when we look at someone else and wonder how they do it, how they have it all together, how they are making it through when our own lives are falling apart.

We see others succeeding, or excelling, in an area that we struggle with, and immediately we jump to comparing, and setting ourselves up for failure.

We hold ourselves to a standard that is not healthy. Because, chances are, that person you are emulating does not have it all together. Chances are, they are just as broken as you. Maybe not in the same ways, but I think we'd be hard pressed to find anyone that is without problems, or issues.

I know, in my life, that I have seen people who seem to have it all together on the outside, but are broken on the inside. I know people who have secrets, or traumatic incidents from the past, that they don't share because it may affect how others see them.

No one is immune to pain.

And so, I think that Dwight Edwards said it best when he said that “comparison is the thief of joy.”

When we begin to evaluate our lives in the light of others, we are missing the point. When we compare ourselves to anyone else, we eliminate all that is worthy in our own lives because they may seem subpar when juxtaposed with the other person.

The problem with this is that we completely push Jesus out of the picture. Instead of following Him, and striving to be more like Him, we settle for beating out this one person, or trying to live up to how amazing they are.

We forget that they, too, are human...that they are flawed...that they need Jesus.

So, if you're like me, and catch yourself in moments of comparison, remember that it is the thief of joy. People that you think have it all together may not, and probably have their own comparisons that they are sometimes slave to as well.

When you get caught up in all of this, think on Jesus. Remember what He wants from you. If you're right with Him, there is no other standard that you need to meet, and nothing else even remotely worth your time.

Treasure who you are in Christ, and not who you are in comparison to someone else, or to the world.

You are a new creation...act like it!

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 106: Seeking Your Face Pt. II

This runaway to the beach was the first of its kind for me. I've never just been the person who hops in the car and drives away to a beautiful place just to think.

I guess I am that person now.

Truthfully, I didn't really know what to do with myself. I didn't really know how to “seek” God. I drove out there, going back and forth between Achtung Baby and Lungs, praying for something big to happen.

I'm not sure if it did.

When I got to the coast, I immediately went to Cannon beach, even though my room awaited me in Seaside. Out of the two, I prefer Cannon beach, so I walked along the water, my stuffed manatee by my side and my camera at the ready. I sat in the sand and read my bible. I looked out at creation.
I wondered what, if anything, would happen.

I came to discover that seeking the Lord really meant reading His word and praying like my life depended on it. Neither of those come easily to me, and so this wasn't the walk in the park I had hoped for. I didn't know where to start in my reading, and so I started through the psalms.
By the end of the day, I decided that in the day and a half at the coast, I would go through all of the psalms.

Yep, all 150 of them.

And so that's what I did. And along the way, God showed me how beautiful His creation is. He also showed me what I was missing back home.

He also gave me small gifts during my stay, like a random guitar player named Josiah that just happened to be a disciple of Christ, and worshiping loudly for all to hear. And Nick, a sweet guy that just stopped during a bike ride to talk about life.

Blessings, in the most random of places.

Today, I drove home, and stopped at a park to finish through the psalms. Reading them over and over again, I saw the repetition in each of them. The questions all became the same...how long, Lord? When will you save us, Lord? They made me look at what I needed to ask God, and why.

The psalms are so raw, and that's why I find my lifeline within them.

Upon returning home, I wasn't sure what had happened. I wasn't aware if I had changed, or if I found what I was looking for.

And then I talked to my mom.

I spoke with the most clarity I had in a while. And all of the things I wrestled with God over in this past day and a half, I explained as if I had a plan the entire time.

Only now am I realizing how shocked I am that I was able to adequately convey what I felt, or say it with such assurance.

God taught me, in my short time away, that often we can find what we need when we honestly seek Him...even if we are unsure what question to ask.

I don't know what else will come of this trip, or if this is all I was supposed to garner from it. Either way, God's word has held true for me in the past, and is no different now.


In Christ,



Lilia

Day 105: Seeking Your Face

Yesterday, I ran away to the coast.  I wanted to escape everything, and breathe for a minute.  This is what I wrote in my journal...it is my old school blog entry for the day.

Day 104: Kindred

Every once in a while you will meet people who deeply shape who you are as a person. Sometimes it's instantaneous, and you know immediately that this person will impact your life in a great way. Other times, it's subtle, and roots grow deep even when the early stages of friendship seem to be steeped in gravel more than soil. Even better is when you barely know someone, but have a surreal connection to them that can't really be explained.

And to think, all of these instances are gifts from God.

It is something to behold when friendships are formed in ways that God had planned already for so long. Watching Him step into my story as of late, to bring certain people into my life, has only sustained my deep longing to know who He is more intimately.

It's a feeling that can bring me to my knees.

God is teaching me that He is willing to showcase His love for me wherever I look. Whether through a dear friend in California, one in Lake Oswego, or one who lives out in Hillsboro. He has everything in place to make me feel encouraged, loved, and appreciated.

Today, I had the chance to grab coffee with a woman I can only describe as joyful. We dug deep in getting to know each other, even though we hadn't really talked much before this conversation. We talked about the joy that God brings in the midst of real pain. Revival, family, heartache, saving faith, and Jesus were all melded together in conversation between gulps of coffee and wild, unashamed laughing.

I thought to myself: this is fellowship.

When God's people come together and talk about what He has done, and how great He is. That is what it is all about.

We bantered back and forth for almost two hours, and poured out intimate pieces of our lives only because we were comfortable through the bond that we shared as women, and new creations in Christ.

There is nothing that can't be said when you are in company like that.

And so I see today as a day of kindred spirits, but in the way that we share the spirit of Christ. It is amazing to realize that the same spirit that dwelled within Jesus while He was on the earth is in us, the both of us. And knowing that is comfort enough to walk through life in constant praise and thankfulness to the Lord for all He has done.

I am so grateful for the incredible friendship that God has blessed me with, and am so encouraged through all of it.

God is teaching me that He will always make His love known through those who love Him, and that is an incredible truth.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 103: Your Something = Someone Else's Everything

Yesterday, I talked with a friend about sacrifice. What it means to sacrifice, how we sacrifice, and what we are willing to sacrifice for any given thing. My friend was torn because he felt he was ready to sacrifice anything and everything, but was worried if it would be worth anything.

Worried, essentially, if it would be productive.

I didn't really take any time to think through my response, as I blurted out that it doesn't matter what we think is productive.

I immediately apologized because, although I felt like my thoughts were correct, I didn't mean for them to fly out of my mouth so quickly.

I was relieved when he shared my sentiment, for the most part.

I think, so often, that we base our decisions off of what we feel will be beneficial. In my life, I gauged a lot of my moves in life on whether or not I deemed the payout to be worthy, both to myself and those around me.

Yes, I could volunteer here, but if I can't be there every Sunday then what's the point?

Yes, I could give that homeless man food, but if I'm not here consistently than how would that benefit him?

Of course I could pray for my friend, but if they are not going to listen then what is the point?

So many times, I discounted furthering the kingdom because I thought it wasn't worthy.

I didn't think that any of my time would be valuable if I couldn't give all of it.

I didn't think that a sandwich would make the world of a difference to a man who probably hadn't eaten the entire day.

I didn't think that God could change the heart of a wayward friend of mine.

I limited God in the most severe of ways.

What God has taught me is that He will bless whatever I give. Now, that's not to say that I/you shouldn't fully commit to something, or that commitment isn't needed, because it definitely is when you are a part of a ministry.

But I am saying that doing something is better than nothing, because your something could be someone else's everything.

I didn't give God enough credit, or even acknowledge that he could take whatever I was ready to give and sacrifice and bless it. I didn't even give Him a chance.

He is teaching me to be wiser than that, to fully submit to Him in trust that He will produce great things through my sacrifice...even if I can't see them myself.

In Christ,

Lilia