Day 102: Sometimes I'm Convinced

Sometimes, I'm convinced that God just wants me to laugh; to rejoice...to live in the moment, not for the moment.

He is so good to me, and today was only another reminder to add to the countless others He's given me.

The blessings are piled on my heart, and I struggle with figuring out how to be grateful. “Thank You” seems so subpar when you're saying it to the creator of the universe.

But, what else can you say?

Thank you, Lord!

For this beautiful day.

For the chance to hear your word at bible study.

For the incredibly amazing job, and supporting staff, that you have given me.

For the small bill I had to pay that I thought would be giant.

For your provision in my life.

For the time I get to spend alone.

For the time I get to spend with friends.

For all the beauty I encounter in the world.

And so, I end this blog with joy.

And I want you to feel it, too. Seek out the blessings in your life, and thank Him.

In the mean time, here's something to crack you up....I couldn't stop laughing, and I've probably watched it about 5+ times today :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=My92oE9RwRE

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 101: You Are What You Think

One of the greatest cliche's of our time says that “a mind is a terrible thing to waste.” As I sat in church today, I realized that sometimes a mind is a terrible thing to have, if it's not "had" in a right way...if that makes any sense. As I have listened to the teachings on anxiety and depression that my church has been going through, it's surprised me how much I have forgotten how powerful the mind is, and how radical our thought lives may be.

I say that sometimes a mind may be a terrible thing to have because it can enslave us. If we are not careful, our thoughts can consume our lives, and we become strangers to our own being. We become numb, if you will, to what we really want out of life, all because our minds and thoughts are taken captive by something destructive.

At the heart of anxiety and depression are thoughts. And, although it sounds so simple and straightforward (because it is), when I heard this at church today, I was honestly taken aback. John Mark noted that, basically, we become what we think. To put it another way, how we think influences how we feel. Our thoughts shape and determine our lives and the way that we live them.

As they said back in the day, “as a man thinks in his heart, so is he.”

And isn't this so true? Recently, my mind has been caught up in all sorts of what-if scenarios. I've questioned where God has me in life, and then when He shows up to take me somewhere, I question if He's right. Instead of focusing on His thoughts, His words, I allow my mind to fill all empty space within it with doubt and worry.

With anxiety. With depression.

And this can happen with anything. I have friends who fill their thoughts with their past, or things they have down wrong. They wallow, and let these thoughts steal joy from them outright. And still, other friends let a broken heart invade their thoughts. The pervasive lies that they are not good enough, or that they did something wrong which caused everything to go wrong, are alive and well in their minds and so shape how they live.

We are bitter, somber, sad, depressed, anxious. And yet we wonder why we are like this.

We are like this because we think in this way. We think about our struggles, so it makes sense that we continue to live them out and wallow in them.

In the first passage we read, we see Paul, who is no stranger to being downcast. Paul, so venerated for his devotion to Christ even while riddled with chains, knows what it is to struggle, yet he encourages us to look beyond our struggles to see the sacrifice that is required of all of us:

“Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:1-2

Here, Paul shows us how to think and live in a different way. Instead of focusing on our struggles, he tells us to live as sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God. Can you imagine doing this? How different would your life be if you constantly thought about sacrificing all you are to God? And he doesn't just say to do this for no reason, but because it is an act of worship.

So often we forget what worship really is. Worship is sacrifice; these two concepts are synonymous. Often, we think that worship means singing songs, when in fact it means to come before God and offer something.

If you're not offering or sacrificing, you are not worshipping. And when we think on things that are negative, and lies fed to us, we are not worshipping God, and that is no good.

He then goes on to tell us not to conform to the pattern of this world (not the entire world, just the culture that is set up against God), but to be transformed by renewing our minds!

How we think has a vital impact on following Jesus. If we allow Him to renew our minds, we can be transformed. But, if we don't, we will remain stagnant...not moving, or following Jesus anywhere.

If we want to change how we live, we have to change how we think!

After discussing this passage, we moved on to 2 Corinthians. Both letters to the Corinthians are favorites of mine in the NT. They are written in a way to convey such conviction, but also great hope. Our discussion centered around our thoughts and how we need to align them with the knowledge of God:

“For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” 2 Cor. 10:3-5

Here, it describes how although we live in the world, we are not fighting with what the world has. Instead, we have God's power which is strong enough to overcome and demolish strongholds (places in our lives where the enemy, such as satan, the world system, or the flesh, have taken over). We have this divine power, in the spirit, and we need to realize that this is exercised when we take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ.

And, I say it again: We demolish strongholds when we take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ.

This is where I felt the most conviction. When I am left to my thoughts, I do not take them captive in order to make them obedient. I let them run wild, like selfish and feral children. I let my mind wander about plans for my future, ill thoughts towards other, and so many other thoughts unbecoming of a woman seeks to search for the heart of God.

I let myself live in a fantasy of what I want, what I think I deserve, and what I hope is coming to me.

It may be the saddest place in the world.

Thank God that I don't have to think that way.

We have the power, through Jesus, to decide what we are going to think about. God is with us, through everything, through our thoughts about anything-and-everything-terrible-and-unholy-under-the-sun, and He will help us.

We need to lean into the spirit for self-control, and move on from thoughts that keep us enslaved.

We need to live in what God has for us, instead of what our mind creates for us.

So, I say it again: take every thought captive AND make it obedient to Christ!

And the last passage we went over was Philippians 4:4-7 which focuses on rejoicing in the Lord:

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Here we centered around the idea of simply turning anxieties into prayers. What are you anxious about? What is worrying you? Turn these thoughts into prayers. Come before God, in thanksgiving and present your requests, needs, worries, anxieties, to Him!

Thanksgiving is thanking God in advance for stuff that has yet to happen. Pray to Him openly and honestly and expect that He will do good things. They may not be what you want, exactly, but thank Him because you know that He hears AND answers.

Worry about nothing, pray about everything, thank God for anything.

Take every thought captive, and make it obedient to Christ.

Turn your anxieties into prayers.

Think on what is noble, good, true, praiseworthy, right, lovely, etc.

Move on from what is plaguing you, and fill your mind with God's thoughts. That is my prayer for you.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 100: Something Kinda Crazy

Today I did a crazy thing.

For most followers of Jesus, I'm sure it's normal...nothing out of the ordinary. But for me, it was a step forward in my own walk with Jesus.

If you know the Lord, and have spent any significant time with me, you have probably prayed with me. Whether it was before eating a meal, or in a time of great joy or stress, chances are you have experienced the presence of God with me. It's normal. It's what we do as disciples.

Today, I stepped away from my usual circle...all of you who are so gracious to pray with me, and all of you who know the Lord and know that He not only hears our prayers, but that He listens.

Today, I asked a coworker if I could pray for her.

I was scared at first. She was having a hard day, mostly because of medical issues, and as I listened to her story and watched her tears fall, I felt terrible. There is nothing like seeing someone suffer while knowing there is nothing you can do about it. So, as I listened, I felt a desire to pray for her. It welled up within me, but my mind downplayed it. I thought to myself, “this is a coworker you barely know...she is going to be weirded out...just pray for her on your own time.”

But, I stepped out anyway and managed to ask her if I could pray for her.

And she said yes!

So there, in the middle of the Banana Republic break room, I prayed for healing, reassurance, patience, and peace for my coworker. I could hear her still crying while it was all happening, but there was a sense of relief, of knowing that someone cares enough to do this.

After I prayed I didn't launch into an entire biography of Jesus. I didn't walk her through the sinner's prayer. I just listened to her for a little longer until she left to go to the hospital.

And I realized that this is what Jesus wants from us, and wants from me.

Sometimes He just wants us to show His love to others, even in the smallest ways.

So go out and pray for people, if they're hurting or if they are rejoicing. Pray with them, for them, and over them, if they let you.

We will spread the gospel by first living it out.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 99: A Kind Heart

There is something so beautiful about kindness.

Whether you see it between lovers, friends, or strangers, a genuine act of kindness is one of the most incredible sights to behold.

I think part of that beauty stems from its rarity.

In our world, kindness often seems to be a commodity. It's something that we tend to use in order to gain something else. It's something we sometimes sell in hopes of receiving praise or even adoration.

In many ways, it has become a means to an end.

But, for some, it is their natural bent in life. When they are kind, they aren't doing it for themselves, or for any reward. They aren't being kind because they feel like they need to, or because they are looking for acceptance.

No. These people are kind because it is how they are made.

Amazing, and a gift from God.

When I encounter people with this innate gift, I am always in awe and completely encouraged. The best part is that true kindness is often paired with humility. After all, if being humble means not thinking of yourself at all, it completely blends with being kind. Both of these require the value of putting someone before yourself.

I speak on this because tonight I had the chance to chat with one of the most kind people I know. The great thing is that we haven't known each other long, but I can literally feel the kindness radiating from her.

From time to time, I wonder about this blog. I wonder if it really matters, or if people can relate to it. I know that God has called me to creating, and maintaining, it, but it's so easy to become discouraged.

Tonight, I talked to this incredibly sweet and kind woman, and out of nowhere she took the conversation to my blog. She let me know how she thought it was great, and had been reading it ever since I first showed it to her.

I was incredibly moved. I love when God teaches me how to live through the simple actions of people in my life. He knows just what I need.

Here was this woman that I barely know, showering me with kind words. I was uplifted, encouraged, and humbled.

This is what kindness does.

And all she was doing was being who God has made her to be.

All she was doing was being herself.

In Christ,

Lilia

p.s. I get to have coffee sometime soon with this kind lady...excited!

Day 98: Strangely Beautiful

I thought I could get a way with a lot. But God knows, and He sees. There are so many blessings in my life, but also there are so many suffocating weeds among the flowers. It's so easy to live outside of what He has for us, especially when we are caught up in everything we want and desire.

I think God is taking me back to Hawaii to bring me closer to Him. I think He is essentially telling me that enough is enough with certain situations in my life.

He is disciplining me in a painful way, but blessing me through it all.

It's strangely beautiful.

So, to end this incredibly vague and weird blog, God is teaching me that sometimes He will boldly reach into my story (like moving me 3,000 miles away from Oregon, which is now my home, where my friends are, etc.) to bring me back into His story.

Because, let's be honest...His story always has a better ending.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 97: Friends For Life

When I was younger, my first real best friend was a boy. I was so much more comfortable around guys that I found myself seeking out their friendship as opposed to girls. I guess it didn't hurt that I was also a tomboy, and was much more interested in dodgeball than in braiding my hair.

But, as I grew up, I found that even though I had grown up having good friendships with guys, that I didn't carry this over into my relationships. I really don't know why...

Often, I would meet someone and fall into the instant attraction/dating game. We barely had time to get to know each other, and we didn't really care. This led to relationships with people I essentially knew nothing about. But, for some reason, I couldn't go back.

I couldn't figure out how to be just friends with guys anymore. If I wasn't dating a guy, I surrounded myself with a few, incredibly close, girl friends. And then the next guy I was friends with, I was mysteriously dating a week or two later.

Now I'm realizing how important friendship is. Without that foundation, a relationship cannot grow, and can never really begin.

I'm writing all of this because of Diane Comer's most recent blog about one of my favorite sermons that John Mark has ever preached. Each week, I will reblog her breakdown of the four most important pieces of a relationship.

I pray for more than someone to spend the rest of my life with.

I pray for a best friend to spend the rest of my life with.

Read the blog & be blessed:

http://www.hespeaksinthesilence.com/2012/01/four-reasons-for-marriage-friendship/

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 96: Short and Sweet

Today I learned a whole lot about a whole lot. As the person who is training me put it, “we're going to fit seven years of stuff into three days.”

Oh, boy.

God has graced me with an amazing opportunity to grow, learn, and feel like I'm actually doing something worthwhile. In the midst of the craziness, I find that I am being challenged, engaged, and it is really encouraging.

I've forgotten what it feels like to be a student. I've forgotten the focus, the desire to rise to the occasion, and of course, the constant stream of junk food. Today the woman training me gave me coconut hershey kisses...so...delicious....mmm.

I am encouraged, refreshed, and joyful in what I have in front of me.

And, as boring as it is, that's all I really have to say.

Love you, Jesus.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 95: I Love You

To one of my most dear friends, I love you. I feel like today, you just need to hear that. We've been talking about a struggle you've had, and the one that I found myself all wrapped up in, too. But, God wants you to know that He is greater than that, and by extension...so are you.

I used to want what you want now. I tried to read between the lines, and I hung on every word. Is there something to this? Will this go anywhere? Am I good enough?

All these questions plagued me. Blah, blah, blah.

It took me forever to figure out I was asking the wrong questions.

How can I be like Jesus? How do I concern myself with holiness more than happiness? How do I learn to believe what God says about knowing my desires, and knowing me before I was even born?

How do I concern myself with others before even giving thought to myself?

How do I love people when they let me, and when they don't?

How do I become vulnerable when I've been broken before?

How do I forgive like I've been forgiven?

The list could go on and on, but my point is that there is so much more than the struggle you are facing and the one that I am still running into from time to time.

God has given me a sweet peace in my heart, and I know that you've watched me stumble, fall, and even crawl to get it. He has the same for you, and I know that you know that.

But I just felt like reminding you because, like I said in my last blog (via JM), there should be no struggle that we face alone. And, since I sadly have experience here, I wanted you to see that I am praying for you...and I'm coming alongside you to help you press on in the midst of the confusion, heartache, doubt, and loneliness.

He is our Lord, and portion, forever. There is no truer God, no truer promise. I love you!

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 94: Secrets

The fact that we are doing a series on anxiety and depression right when I need it is a real blessing. I wasn't really sure how I was going to handle this series as, for the most part, I didn't really feel anxious about too much in my life.

It's amazing how quickly that can change.

At church, JM's message centered on Psalm 42, specifically what happens to us when we allow sin and struggles in our lives to draw our souls into a downcast state. He mused on how anxiety and depression are the symptoms of a deeper, well rooted, problem, and how we can overcome and find joy in the Lord.

The most interesting part about the sermon, for me, was his focus on the act of confession.

When I was growing up, confession was something we were forced to do...as I attended a Catholic elementary school. We were taught that confessing sins to a priest would free you from them, as long as you did your penance, saying the Lord's prayer a few times, followed by countless hail mary's.

I was confused by the whole concept, and truthfully I still am (in the Catholic sense).

JM explained the act of confession as a means to overcoming anxiety and depression because he posed that sometimes (but, not always) our anxiety and depression are the result of some hidden sin, some secret that we have masterfully kept to ourselves in order to struggle alone.

We may hide out of shame, necessity, or because the sin may not even be our own.

I thought about my own life, and the secrets I've kept. For the most part, I was an open book. But, there were a few secrets that I kept, although none of them have rooted in me and produced an anxiety and depression or shame. They've mostly just been embarrassing things that I did during my childhood.

However, I've seen how keeping secrets can distance someone so greatly from God. And, along with taking a spiritual toll, JM also noted that sometimes these secrets can even cause the physical problems that we experience with depression and anxiety such as being tired or restless and feeling all achy in your bones.

Of course, just because you have these pains does not mean that there is some giant sin secret lurking within you...but maybe it does?

Have you ever thought that your secrets (not just your obvious sins) are the reason that you are so broken mentally and physically?

JM used the example of Psalm 32, which most scholars believe was written by David after his affair and sin with Bathsheeba. In this psalm, he describes how he feels after committing this sin in secret:

When I kept silent,
my bones wasted away

through my groaning all day long.
For day and night
your hand was heavy on me;
my strength was sapped
as in the heat of summer.

Feeling disconnected from God through this secret, his physicality and spirituality are both affected. In the next part of the psalm, he explains his move to confession:

Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, “I will confess
my transgressions to the LORD.”
And you forgave
the guilt of my sin.

After David confesses to the Lord, he quickly receives the Lord's forgiveness. He allows the Lord to heal him.

If David can do this, why can't we? Why do we keep our sins to ourselves, hoping that maybe we can overcome them without actually confessing them? Why do we keep the greatest physician from doing what He can to heal us?

JM noted that we should have no secrets. There should be nothing that we are going through alone. I love how he said that there should be no struggle we are going through that doesn't have someone coming alongside and encouraging us, reminding us that we are forgiven through Christ.

For David, he knows what it is to waste away in his secret, to admit and confess his wrong doing to the Lord, and how to turn back to God in praise while encouraing others to do the same:

Therefore let all the faithful pray to you
while you may be found;
surely the rising of the mighty waters
will not reach them.
You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.
Do not be like the horse or the mule,
which have no understanding
but must be controlled by bit and bridle
or they will not come to you.
Many are the woes of the wicked,
but the LORD’s unfailing love
surrounds the one who trusts in him.
Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous;
sing, all you who are upright in heart!

Just within this psalm we see David go from achy bones, and misery, to joy.

And, what happens in the middle?

Confession.

Don't be afraid to confess to Christ, to your brothers and sisters, and to yourself. If you are carrying around secrets that are causing you to be anxious and depressed, seek out fellowship and share your burdens. The only way you can be healed is by bringing it all before the Lord, into the light, and allowing God to heal.

From confession comes healing, and from healing comes rejoicing.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 93: When It Rains, It Pours

We've all heard the saying: “when it rains, it pours.” And, if you're an Oregonian, you know this truth firsthand. Lately, I've been poured down on with blessings. But, in these blessings, I've been searching/seeking/pray for perspective...especially the divide between loving Oregon and returning to Hawaii.

Walking through puddles to church this morning, I realized how much I enjoy living in Oregon.

I can honestly say that this is one of God's best pieces of creation.

The trees, the cold, the mountains, the rain. Everything is so alive. Everything is evidence of God's perfect timing and perfect creation.

I realized how I've always been torn as to who I am. When I'm here, I'm a Portlander. I love my coffee, appreciate the humor (if nothing else) of hipster culture, and enjoy the outdoors. I've done OMSI, Powell's Books, snowboarded on Mt. Hood, and ran amok through forest trails and the waterfalls of Multnomah and Eagle Creek.

I also walk in the rain with – wait for it – no umbrella! :)

This place is so wonderful and where I want to be, but then I think of “home.”

I remember where I came from, my roots. I remember my bloodline, what it means to be Hawaiian, and the mentality that comes with living on an island. I remember the insane beauty that God has captured in the state of Hawaii.

But, I can't remember what it feels like to be from there. It's going to be something to re-learn all over again.

All I know is that if I was anchored in who I am in this world (be it Portland, or Hawaii), I would be so utterly lost.

It really helps to be anchored in a God who created both, and who knows exactly who I am. As long as I am rooted in Christ, I know I will find peace wherever I go.

Having said that, I've been wondering lately why I'm going back home. Why is God sending me there? Doesn't he know what my desires are?

Doesn't He know I'm not ready?

And that's when I really thought about my life up here. For six years, I have been fighting for and against what I believe, battling with God for my soul, happiness, joy, trust.

It's been six years of Him pruning, blessing, taking, preparing.

In my reading today, I stumbled upon this verse in Psalm 22, and I felt incredibly encouraged by it. It encapsulates what I feel like my mission is going to be when I go home:

“I will declare your name to my people;
   in the assembly I will praise you.”

• Psalm 22:22

I am going home to many people who know the Lord, but not many who choose to follow Him daily. For a long time, I've been running away from all of that because it's too difficult, too messy, too hard.

I think God is coaxing me to stand firm for what I believe in, and to share Him in a way I never have before. I believe that He is calling me to declare His name to my people, my family, my friends, back home in Hawaii. Amidst them, I will give Him praise.

I am so excited for this opportunity.

I am so scared about this opportunity.

When you are so obviously imperfect, it seems impossible to show people who God is. But, when we are open with our imperfections, and reveal our need for a savior, God is glorified through our lives.

He is teaching me that He has prepared me to be a living sacrifice and example. I am praying for His grace as I prepare to step out of my comfort and into the unknown.

It's time to be a hearer, and a doer.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 92: Is This What I Want?

Here's what I want: I want to stay in Portland. I want to serve at Solid Rock, meet the love of my life there, become a teacher in the hillsboro/beaverton school districts and raise a family.

Here's what God has given me: A new job at Liberty High School as an EA. It is a temporary job that ends this summer. Oh, and then there's the job I've been waiting to get for two years that literally just fell into my lap via a great friend of mind from my MAT program at Pacific University.  It's a full time teaching position for English and Social Studies in the 8th grade. 


That's right, two jobs in two days.

The catch?

The second job is in Hawaii. 




That means no Portland, no Solid Rock, no meeting the love of my life there, and no raising a family here. At least, not yet.

If you know anything about my story, you know that all I want to do is teach. God has instilled a passion in me for helping young people find value in what they are learning, and in themselves. I've been waiting for an opportunity like this for two years.

Yet the first question that people asked me when I told them was: is it really what you want? 

My immediate response, in my head because I didn't want to offend anyone, was: does it matter?

So often we seek to find if people are comfortable with the blessings God has given them, without realizing that it doesn't matter what that person wants, but what God is clearly giving them direction towards.

God is in this.

When this blessing came, I accepted it without hesitation. A few people asked if I was going to take some time...and pray it through. And then I thought, oh no...I just took this position without seeking God. 

And then I realized...I've been praying/seeking/asking Him for this for the past year.

I have cried myself to sleep wondering when anything would happen, when I would get the opportunity to do what I felt I was made to do.

And I wanted it to be comfortable, and reasonable within my own wants. I wanted God to give me an easy road: a job in teaching in Portland, where I feel comfortable, where I have a strong foundation and fellowship, where I came back to Him.

Instead, this job will send me back to a place I've essentially run away from. But, I am returning with something I didn't have before: a solid faith. 

But I'm so scared.

I thought God was stretching me and growing me when He took me to places like Portland (when I first got here) and Haiti, but now I see that He was preparing me to go back home, and to share Him with anyone I come in to contact with.

Please pray for humility and boldness, for me, in praising and sharing Jesus.

I know that my desire is to live a life in Portland, but I need to trust God with that and allow Him to shape my desires. When we want more of Him, our desires become His desires, and that is what I need to pray for.

I still can't believe I'm going home.
I still can't believe I'm leaving my home.

I still can't believe how He gives us so much and remains so faithful even though I walk in doubt and fear. 

Selah.



He is good to us.
In Christ,
Lilia

Day 91: Falling Whistles

We are called to serve, on a mission of faith. Last night, I was able to experience just what that means in a community of people who love and desire to follow Jesus. It's an amazing feeling to be surrounded by people who are committed to making a difference.

Today, I went with my wonderful friend Emily to the Lizard Lounge in the ever lovely Pearl district. I was on the hunt for a simple whistle, and I was not disappointed. I wear this whistle proudly, and added the cross my family gave me to the same chain.

I carry my cross and this whistle side by side.

I want to explain why I bought this whistle, why I couldn't wait any longer after hearing what it was about to go out and get one. I want to say so much, as usual, but for this, I need someone else to speak.

Please go here to read the story: http://www.fallingwhistles.com/story/

It is the story of a single day, a single day worthy of joy and praise to God.

He is teaching me what it means to have mission on the mind, consistently and intentionally.

Please read this story, and know that our voices matter as well as our actions.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 90: On Mission

Tonight was all about being on mission. And as I sat there in my fold up chair, I wondered how I had anything to offer. Looking around the room, I saw so many faces eager to change human history through one action: serving.

This, I thought, is how we are going to be like Christ. This is how we are going to be a part of God's in breaking kingdom.

We must serve.

Thinking back on my walk with Christ, I quickly identified myself as a passive Christian. I showed up to church, said the right things, and looked like I was okay. I was selfish, and only concerned with what I could take from the church and the message and the spirit.

Was I doing it knowingly?

Maybe, maybe not. I think part of me was, but for the most part, I was caught up in the world. I made time for Jesus when I felt like it, and if it didn't work out, I wasn't concerned. I wasn't worried about caring for His children, the poor and sick, the needy and downcast.

I was centered on my needs, and my wants.

Now, I see Him as the lifeline He is, and I see His work at the forefront of my life.

And of course, I want more.

I am active in certain aspects of my church community, but I am most excited for the opportunity to live on mission in the city I love so much. My heart is absolutely broken for the forgotten in our society, and those who are so far from God's love.

I'm excited to gather with a group of people who also hold that beat in their hearts, and desire to love a fractured city. I want to set out not as hollow and careless people, but as servants who seek to build relationships with people.

I want to do life with people, not sit around talking at them about Jesus, because guess what: we can't only talk about Jesus, we have to be Him. We are the visible manifestation of an invisible God!

We are the hands and feet.

We are the Church.

It's time to show up and act like it.

It's time to put our actions where are words are.

Wherever you are at with your walk with Christ, know that if you are not serving, you are not connected to the vine. I'm not saying that you need to become a missionary in a foreign country, or completely change your life in order to spend more time doing “mission” work.

I'm saying that your life needs to be a mission. Your life needs to center around serving, whether it's to your friends, your family, or to orphans and widows in Haiti, or the displaced and homeless youth in Portland.

Wherever God is calling you to serve, do it. It is okay to be unsure, and even afraid, but step out.

You will change your life, and bless someone else's.

I promise.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 89: Make Time To Pray

Back in the day, I had a prayer board.

It was a sad, small thing. I made it out of cork board, and used pushpins to secure tiny pieces of paper with prayer requests on them. On the paper, names were written to remind me who that specific prayer was for.

It started out with the best intentions, then slowly fizzled. It just didn't seem like it was enough. If that small board represented my prayer life, it certainly wasn't in good shape.

Lately, I've been getting crafty...so naturally, I decided to make myself another prayer board. But, this time, I opted for something larger. Something that would help my frazzled self to remember to bring everything to God in prayer and petition.

So I made a chalkboard.

And on this large canvas, I chalked up names and thoughts to pray for. It's so big that I can't forget, and I can't run from praying for everything on there. It's no secret that my prayer life is my biggest struggle, and I'm hoping this will help.

I don't really know why I'm writing about this, but I think it is because I want to draw attention to the fact that we do have a choice in what we make a priority in life. Naturally, I make everything else a priority.

But prayer? Sadly, that is usually not on my list of what I love to do.

Is it because I hate praying? Not really; mostly, it's because I feel so inadequate while doing so.

I want to encourage all of you to pray without ceasing, as we are called to do. But, most importantly, make time for it. Like any other time you spend with God, treat it with respect and value it. Cherish the moments that you take to speak to Jesus.

You don't need a fancy prayer board, or anything really, but if that's what you need, do it. I needed something to stare at me every day to remind me that I need to spend time with God in prayer.

In the psalm of the day, psalm 17, prayer was also discussed, as David says: “I call on you, my God, for you will answer me; turn your ear to me and hear my prayer.” Psalm 17:6

Pray.

And as you pray, believe that God not only hears you, but will answer you.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 88: Finally I Surrender

The other day, I mentioned to that I really wanted to root my blogs more in the word, and specifically about my daily readings. It's not that I don't think what I've written about is valid, or holds meaning, but I'm convinced that whatever God is teaching me can always be centered around His word. This is also another way to keep me accountable with my reading, and all that good stuff.

Having said that, this blog is not going to be about what I read today.

HA! Take that...myself?

Instead, this blog is going to be about a song.

If you know me, at all, I'm sure you've come to know that one of my greatest passions is singing for God. Not just singing, but really engaging with music that I think is pleasing to Him. Now, that doesn't just mean worship songs, and it doesn't just mean stuff you hear in church. There is so much music, and so many artists, out there who speak truth without even realizing it sometimes.

For me, music draws me into deep conversation and relation with God.

For me, it's when I sing to God that I feel closest to Him.

For some, it's when they pray...for others, it's when they read the word.

For me, it's singing to the one who created me. It's singing to the one who created everything.

Today, I listened to a CD that my beautiful friend, Sonia, gave to me. It has a bunch of random songs that glorify God. Some of the songs I had heard before, some I cherished, and still some I had never previously encountered.

I listened to a song called “Finally I Surrendered,” and for some reason it really hit me.

I have heard this song before, and truthfully...I didn't care for it.

But, today, my entire world centered around the truth of this song, which is most beautiful because of its simplicity. The entire song is all of four sentences:

All I want is You to have Your way
You are the Potter and I am the clay

All I need is You to have Your way
You are Creator and I'm what You've made

Finally I Surrender

You are God I am man You are sovereign

For a while now, I have been telling God that all I want is what He wants for me. But, still, I know that deep down so much of what I desire is not what He wants for me.

This song helped to remind me that what He has for me is better than anything else. He is the potter, I am the clay. He is Creator, I am what He has made. So simple, so true, so good!

And, it goes beyond what I want to what I need. I don't just want Jesus to be everything, I need Him to be everything.

The image of God as potter, and us as clay, is found throughout the Hebrew Scriptures, but I think it resonates best with what is said in Isaiah:

Yet you, LORD, are our Father.
   We are the clay, you are the potter;
   we are all the work of your hand.

          Isaiah 64:8

My prayer is that I choose to surrender each day, and be as clay in the potter's hands. I've tried to shape myself into what I thought was good enough, and for years I've let the world try to mold me.

Honestly, I'm tired of choosing everything but God. I'm tired of being shaped by a world who could care less about my well being.

I want to be crafted by the Potter himself, who shaped the heavens and earth, and every living thing.

He is God. I am human.

He is sovereign.

That is good news!

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 87: The One Who Overcomes

Today, John Mark started the series on depression and anxiety.

Wowzers...what a day.

Besides feeling incredibly blessed to have a pastor who is willing to share his story from the darkest parts of his life, from mild melancholy to full blow suicidal thoughts, I couldn't help but love the fact that we were going through the psalms.

I LOVE THE BOOK OF PSALMS.

And I won't shut up about it...nuh uh.

I know it seems to be all I've been talking about lately, or at least it feels that way, but the audacity of the psalms is something that I just love. There's no way around how real they are. And, at times, how desperate. These psalmists are rejoicing in the Lord, but they are also clawing at the reality of life, and the ruins that live in the consequences of sin.

They are happy, they are sad. They are peaceful, they are mad.

They are bipolar?

They are all of the above.

The incredible journey that one can take through the psalms is only matched by the amount of knowledge that you can learn about God's character. The bible is God's story, but I would argue that the psalms are where he lets us tell him our stories, in our happiness, and our pain...in our utmost joy for life, and in our deepest despair.

We went through various scriptures, but we rooted ourselves in Psalm 42:

Psalm 42

    For the director of music. A maskil[c] of the Sons of Korah.
 1 As the deer pants for streams of water,
   so my soul pants for you, my God.
2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
   When can I go and meet with God?
3 My tears have been my food
   day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
   “Where is your God?”
4 These things I remember
   as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
   under the protection of the Mighty One[d]
with shouts of joy and praise
   among the festive throng.
 5 Why, my soul, are you downcast?
   Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
   for I will yet praise him,
   my Savior and my God.
 6 My soul is downcast within me;
   therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
   the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
7 Deep calls to deep
   in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
   have swept over me.
 8 By day the LORD directs his love,
   at night his song is with me—
   a prayer to the God of my life.
 9 I say to God my Rock,
   “Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
   oppressed by the enemy?”
10 My bones suffer mortal agony
   as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
   “Where is your God?”
 11 Why, my soul, are you downcast?
   Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
   for I will yet praise him,
   my Savior and my God.



This entire psalm focuses around the questions found in v. 5 and v. 11:
Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me?

I thought through these questions as JM gave his sermon. I thought about whatever it is I'm going through now, looking at what causes my soul to be downcast, and what enables depression and anxiety to gain a hold of me.
JM noted that these questions are important because they help us to get to the root of what is really going on. He contends that anxiety and depression are merely symptoms to some deeper issue that is causing us to suffer.
Fortunately, as of late, I haven't been dealing with any debilitating issues of anxiety or depression. True, I am always thinking about what my job situation will hold and all of that, but in the grand scheme of things, I am not struggling with this.
But, I know people that are.
A few of my close friends have dealt with issues of anxiety and depression, and so as I learn about how it affects me, I am also learning about how it affects them.
Focusing on Psalm 42 really helped me to narrow down not only what to ask myself, instead of blaming God for everything wrong in life, but has also allowed me to see that even in the midst of pain...David's response is to turn back and praise for God is our savior.
We had the opportunity to pray over our brothers and sisters who were struggling with crippling depression and anxiety, and after I prayed for a man I never met before (Joel), I stood alone, listening to the worship music.
I began to cry.
Not the cute, “oh my gosh she's having a deep emotional moment” cry, but the “sobbing in my hands hoping no one sees me” cry.
And here's the kicker: this was not a sad cry.
I was crying because I have come to know, specifically in the past year, that God is the healer..the ultimate physician. I have seen him heal, and bring people out of demoralizing darkness.
And my only response was to cry. It was the only way I felt I could sufficiently express my gratitude for what God has done in my life, and the lives of my friends.
I look forward to learning more about these issues, and the rest of the series.
I'm sure more crying is to come, but with that comes healing, renewal, and the mercy and grace of Jesus.
Praise to the one who overcomes, and helps us to realize that we can, too.



In Christ,






Lilia

Day 86: This Friend of Mine

A couple weeks back, it was mentioned at our Sunday gathering that the next series we were going to go through would be about work. I was excited at the thought, because I knew my mind needed to be guarded when it came to work. I was so frustrated with my work that I was happy to have a reminder of how work is good, and something God created.

But then last week, the story changed. The next series was going to be on anxiety, and depression...on worry, and everything that comes with it.

Bummer, I thought at first. I mean, I was interested in that, but I didn't really feel connected to that in any way...and then I spent a little longer thinking on it.

Oh yeah, 2011 was a nightmare for me in multiple ways.

I was incredibly anxious, and dare I say depressed at moments. Was it a clinical problem? Did I have to be medicated or have therapy? No.

But that doesn't make it any less true, or real.

When I thought about my own personal experience with anxiety and depression, or worry, I also thought about one of my friends, whom I often blog about. I find that my writing tends to center around the relationships that are most important to me, relationships with God, family, and friends. So, naturally, I thought of those I knew who struggled with issues of anxiety, and I thought of a very specific person, with a very specific place in my life.

At one point, this person was someone who I was interested in on a relational level. Quickly, things soured, and it didn't seem to be worthy of any further investment. But, God laid this man on my heart for many reasons, and I'm happy that He has kept us in each other's lives as friends.

When I was still struggling through my feelings with my friend, I wrote a poem about him.

I know, typical.

Pathetic. But, whatever.

Much of it has nothing to do with anything that most people would know without knowing specific things about us. But, when I knew that we were going to be discussing the idea of anxiety in church, I went back to this poem because I knew that it harped on a few struggles that my friend had at the time.

This poem was really a prayer, a way for me to highlight what I hoped God would help my friend through. Looking back over the poem, it was incredibly to see God's faithfulness across the page. Issues that I wrote about then were now being worked through, problems were being faced, and God was being sought.

My prayers were being answered as I was reading over a poem I had written with deep hope.

And, looking at the poem, I also realized that as my prayers for my friend were being answered, so were my prayers for myself. In the poem, I not only saw what God did in his life, but what He had done, and is doing, in mine.

Below, I have the poem. I've copied it twice. The first copy is how it was originally written. Under that, there is another copy of the original poem, but this time there are bolded paragraphs offset, to show the change that has happened from the original poem to my friends life now. It's absolutely breathtaking to see...and even more awesome to live.

Untitled – Poem in original form

You are one stranger that could break me.

The saccharine shell around my heart is already cracked

and vulnerability seeps from my chest

like an open wound.

We are stupid, confused sheep who are ignorant

of their Shepherd by choice. But why?

Our lives are backwards, mazes

that we have crafted with our own ways.

I look for a solution, an escape, but you hide

and order the sphinx to remain, regardless

of silly riddles – there is no way in or out,

and that pleases you.

Would it be different if you preferred reality to dreams,

if human nature didn't give way to mistakes

like a lover rudely awakened, instead of rising from a slumber

to warm kisses down the long, calm curvature of the spine?

Yes.

No.

I see a fractured heart, and mind,

and I know I will only ever hear fragments

of what you will never share with anyone.

But, know this.

There is a life-blood pulsing inside you,

amidst your secrets, but you ignore it,

and let shame devour you

while the beating of your heart

unravels into a slow, scarred melody.

I don't know why, but seeing your frustration

has brought me to tears more than once.

I am far away, outside

your scope of touch, and perhaps caring,

but I am okay.

I just want the same for you.

Untitled – poem WITH commentary on what God has done

You are one stranger that could break me.

The saccharine shell around my heart is already cracked

and vulnerability seeps from my chest

like an open wound.

This friend is no longer a stranger in my life. God has allowed him to open up and he is now someone I can talk to about almost anything. My vulnerability is no longer a wound, but a renewed gift from God. He is helping me to restore my trust in people.

We are stupid, confused sheep who are ignorant

of their Shepherd by choice. But why?

Our lives are backwards, mazes

that we have crafted with our own ways.

We still may be stupid (we're human), but we are both actively seeking God and no longer hiding from, or ignoring, the truth. Instead of living backwards, my friend and I are letting the Lord guide our steps, no matter how much it hurts. For me, it's serving at church and for him it's just starting to put roots down in a community of Jesus followers.

I look for a solution, an escape, but you hide

and order the sphinx to remain, regardless

of silly riddles – there is no way in or out,

and that pleases you.

I have stopped trying to look for answers to save my friends, and am instead relying on God to heal my friends struggles. I am realizing that I am called to bear, and not remove, burdens. The metaphor of the Sphinx related to my friends desire to keep people out from knowing his struggles, or issues from the past. Now, he is seeking out Godly relationships and fellowship, and looking to build on his foundation in Christ.

Would it be different if you preferred reality to dreams,

if human nature didn't give way to mistakes

like a lover rudely awakened, instead of rising from a slumber

to warm kisses down the long, calm curvature of the spine?

Our friendship has moved on from stupid mistakes to a friendship centered on what God has for each of us. I am excited to see how God is shaping my friend's life, and mine.

Yes.

No.

God is awesome!

I see a fractured heart, and mind,

and I know I will only ever hear fragments

of what you will never share with anyone.

When I used to look at my friend, I saw his identity as closed off and hurt. Now, when I look at him, or talk to him, I see his identity rooted in Christ. He is being made whole from the inside out...praise Jesus! We have also grown closer and he has opened up his heart to me, which has been an incredible blessing.

But, know this.

There is a life-blood pulsing inside you,

amidst your secrets, but you ignore it,

and let shame devour you

while the beating of your heart

unravels into a slow, scarred melody.

Shame was something that my friend struggled with intensely, but I can see God rearranging his life in amazing ways. He is restoring my friend's faith in what the spirit of God can do in someone's life. He is showing my friend grace in incredibly ways, daily, and my friend is seeing it and accepting it :)

I don't know why, but seeing your frustration

has brought me to tears more than once.

My tears for my friend are now tears of joy for the faithfulness that God has shown. I haven't prayed so much for one person in a long time. It is amazing to see God answer prayers so faithfully. It is beyond humbling.

I am far away, outside

your scope of touch, and perhaps caring,

but I am okay.

I can now confidently call my friend a brother in Christ, and am happy to say that I care about him very much.

I just want the same for you.

I can honestly see that my friend is more than okay because Jesus is back from the dead, and at work in my friend's life and in mine. Praise God!

As you can see, God is so good...so great...He overcomes all. To you who are struggling with issues of your past, or some shame you fear you can't get through, you can...with Jesus.

And, to my friend..who will undoubtedly read this and hopefully not hate me :p, I'm so joyful at what God has done in your life. I know you read this poem before, but I hope you can read it with my annotations and see how God is moving in your life (although I know you are already fully aware).

It's cool to see God shaping lives, and even better to be a part of that process by being refined as well.

At one point, this friendship had me feeling so far from God, but now I see that it has served to truly draw me closer.

In Christ,

Lilia