Day 181: To Feel Pain

Today wasn't the easiest day for me. Now, because of my extreme annoyance at anything that resembles a “pity party,” I feel like I try to avoid discussing my problems (unless they lead to some huge revelation in some part of my life) in order to avoid seeming needy.

Maybe in reality I suck at this, and people see me as an incredibly attention seeking person. If the latter is true, please let me know asap...anyone who reads this blog.

Yes, I hear chirping....

Any way...

Without going into the gruesome details, my day fell apart, head to toe, in a matter of hours. I thought I had it all figured out, with leaving work to go and see the doctor, and being back at practice with some medicine ready to take on the world.

Naturally, I failed, miserably.

Not only did my car not manage to shift into gear so that I missed my doctor's appointment completely, but then I managed to forget that my car was still under warranty and paid an unnecessary fee that could've been avoided if only I had remembered the blatantly obvious.

And then came practice, which was less than stellar, as I tried to be as energetic as I could which, like everything else, failed spectacularly.

And then, in true Christianese fashion, I chastised myself for pain. How dare I let my “first world problems” get in the way of my life. There are people starving in other countries, children without medical care in Haiti that I saw.

I held their hands.

I touched the hair that was turning white from malnutrition on a toddler that could barely walk.

I'VE SEEN REAL PROBLEMS.

And it wasn't until a stupid blowout with a friend over what I took as an insult did I realize what I was doing, and have been guilty of doing for so long.

I was comparing pain instead of feeling it.

I discounted what I was feeling because it wasn't (and it definitely is NOT) as terrible as what other people experience.

But, I realized that when I compare that pain, I immediately lose sight of why I am feeling that pain. I push it to the back burner, hoping that I'll get through it because I should.

I'm American, so I should be able to brush it all off and figure it out.

When did I miss the memo to GET OVER MYSELF?

I am human; I experience pain.

I cried in my car in the parking lot of the rite-aid, and even more as the teenage McDonald employee brought my chocolate milkshake and fries to my car.

My friend told me that he would “talk to me when I got off of my period,” and I realized that sometimes society, as well as our own selves, allot a certain time for us to engage with and feel pain.

And, although I try not to be a person who admits to it, I feel so much pain.

There are times when I really try to contemplate it, but end up pushing it away because when I compare it to the rest of the world, it is useless.

But, it is mine. This pain belongs to me.

Just like their pain is theirs.

And although one is far worse, and something I hope to aid with, I need to own up to the fact that there are painful things happening in my life, too.

I need to acknowledge that there is pain before I can have any chance of overcoming it.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 180: Mahhweggg

Mahhhweggg is what brings people together.

Lately, I've really been paying attention to the relationships around me, and how people make them look so easy.

I've also seen how they can fall apart in the blink of an eye.

I finally found time to talk to a good friend of mine, and was brought back to a place of bitterness and profound disappointment. We tried to make sense of how the marriage of our close friends fell apart, and we found ourselves at a loss.

We wondered if there was anything that could've prevented it.

We discussed if we thought there was still hope that it could come back together.

That wounds could be mended; and harsh words could be forgiven.

We concluded that the answer was no.

And just like people can choose to walk away from their marriage, and from God's heart for it, I find myself choosing to walk away in different ways.

And then I find myself comparing the things that I've seen, to the things that I've done. I think that surely my mistakes could never amount to the disobedience of divorce...

But, of course, I remember that sin is sin; problems are problems; issues are issues.

No matter what I struggle with, big or small, it is all the same to the Lord.

And so I need to stop measuring my shortcomings because they are all the same to God.

The good news is that they are covered by HIS grace. Thank you, Lord!

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 179: For Granted

I really hate the feeling of being taken for granted.

Please don't read into any of this...it's not from anything I'm going through now, but just something I have been musing on lately.

There's a certain feeling of depreciation, or loss of value, when you feel like everything you do for certain people almost becomes expected of you. It's bizarre when I find myself going above and beyond in specific situations, only to have people be unappreciative.

But, even worse, is taking people for granted.

It's knowing that you are inflicting a feeling that you hate on other people in your life, sometimes without even realizing it.

Looking at my life, I know I take many things for granted: my health, my family, my friendships, my job, etc.

But nothing is guaranteed.

So, to all of my friends and family that I may have taken for granted, I want to apologize. Know that I love you. I deeply value the relationships in my life, and desire to show it more.

Too often, I take God's many blessings in my life for granted, only to later realize that nothing is certain, and that I need to do everything to the fullest, which includes being grateful for everything that I have.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 178: The Chasing Game

Today at church we started a new series in Philippians. If you're familiar with this epistle, or letter, from Paul to those in Philippi, you may be aware that it is so often called the letter that exudes joy in the midst of suffering. And this suffering is not a general suffering, but persecution for blatantly spreading the truth that Jesus Christ is Lord, not any man, or Caesar, etc.

BUT, as we went through the various historical pieces that play a huge part in this role, it was the ending questions that really caught my heart when we headed into prayer, and communion. One question in particular spoke to me, in both conviction and explicit wonder. The question was simple:

What are you chasing after?

Instantly, I wanted to put my hand in the air and proclaim “Jesus.” But, I know first hand that God doesn't appreciate lying. And I didn't want to be a liar.

In my life, I have pursued many things, and I have made many things into “gospels,” like we talked about in church. I have proclaimed the good news about love, and dead end romances. I have proclaimed the news of fashion, and materialism, and the other capitalistic ventures that make me a good American.

I have lived for so many gospels that bring nothing but death. But I want the one that brings me life, and life abundant.

I'm realizing that lately, I have chased two things: meaning for my life via a job, or occupation, that lines up with what I want to do with the rest of my life, and a relationship that I had a different vision for than what it currently is.

These two things that I have chased have overwhelmed my life entirely at different moments, but also have brought joy to my life. I have seen God's hand in both of them, but I have also seen my own selfish hand in there trying to make things happen that simply couldn't.

When John Mark asked this question tonight, I knew that I couldn't lie...I had been living for other gospels, and chasing after things that weren't always of God.

I need His discipline, and I need His love to remind me that when I chase after Him, I am not only chasing after what is good, holy, and right, but I am chasing after what is TRUE.

I want to worship the Lord that has given me life, grace, mercy, truth, and love, not the gods that I fashion out of my own desires.

I believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ, and I want Him to be in charge of my life.

Lord, let me chase after you with all of my heart. Meet me with open arms, I pray.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 177: Distant

There are many things that happen when you distance yourself from a thriving, living community. For me, the biggest thing is discouragement; a rapid decline in my ability to distinguish not only what is right, but what is right for me at any given time.

Before Easter, I missed church about three times. I was either out of state, or sick, but just that distance was enough to create within me an emptiness that sought to rob me of joy. Being apart from a community that is passionately in love with Jesus, even just for a few weeks, was painful.

And I was surprised how deep the pain was.

I felt like I was grasping for Jesus, but when you don't surround yourself with people living out what He has commanded, lines blur and sometimes the irrelevant takes center stage in your life.

I was worrying about so many things that warranted, and deserved, no real thought. It's amazing what we make into gods when we feel far away from the creator.

All of this to say, I am so happy that when these feelings overwhelm me, I can look to what God has done in the past and trust that He will bring me back into the fold, and back into community. I was encouraged just stepping into the downtown scene tonight because a living community is a beautiful thing.

When we opened the scriptures to learn about Jesus, and how people suffered for the gospel, I felt alive again, knowing that God had me in that exact moment for that exact purpose.

He is so beautiful, and He loves those who seek to follow Him and live for Him.

What a wonderful savior.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 176: Most High God

I just had my first meeting for Thailand, and I couldn't be more excited! The dynamic on this team is going to be so different, but I feel like my time in Haiti, and with my team, has prepared me to serve in this capacity.

I really never saw myself to be doing this in my life, ever. I never thought that short term missions were in His plan for my life, but my heart has clung to this ministry, and I need to be praying more than ever for my friends in Haiti, and those that I have yet to make in Thailand.

Looking at my name cards from the women's night of prayer, the card I have today is Most High God, and that is exactly the lens that I need to see God in more than ever. Living in America, I am blessed with so many things that take up my life. With all of this “stuff,” it's so easy to forget that He is not just a god, but that He is a creator, Most High God:

“Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him.”

Psalm 91:1-2

I want to live like this all of the time, not just when I'm heading on a trip. I want to rely on Him to be the Most High God, a place of refuge, safety, and the one in whom I can trust.

I'm incredibly blessed to have this opportunity, and I can't wait to share the love of Christ with everyone I meet on my trip.

But first, I want to make sure I'm doing it here, where God has blessed me so deeply.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 175: To Be Honest

We hear that telling the truth is the right thing to do. Usually, we learn this at a very young age, and then it is reinforced as we grow up. We learn the value of what is true, and eventually we come to see in Jesus how the greatest truth serves to sets us free.

In my life, I have been a pretty honest person, but I've always had troubles putting my feelings out there for people to see, know, and feel. My heart was hard to let other people see me from the inside out, and it was a long time coming when God finally broke me free of that burden.

But, sometimes, I wish he didn't.

I enjoyed living in secret, sometimes. I enjoyed not having to put myself out there, because that's when you get hurt.

And no one likes getting hurt.

But I finally shared a truth that I've been holding on to for a while now. It was something that was so obvious, but was never really said out loud.

That sort of unspoken truth.

And then I said it...oops.

The reaction I received was sudden, and short, but that's to be expected when any truth is shared honestly, and from the heart.

And, I have found, that I am free. That small conversation, and realization of truth for myself, has made me see myself more clearly, as well as the situation.

I praise God for allowing me to be bold in what I knew to be true, and for helping me to be honest with myself and the situation.

He makes all things clear, and new, and revives our hearts.

I simply love that.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 174: Find Joy

Ever wish you could change certain parts/pieces of your life right quick? Or, perhaps, even erase complete events from happening?

Yeah, me too...for all kinds of reasons.

I think about this often.

But, when I think some more, I am determined to find His fingerprint somewhere in my trouble, issue, story.

I'm determined to find joy.

God has been so good to me, and I know that in various ways, He has also been good to you.

He has given me my family, friends, health, work, music, rainy days, sunny days, his word, prayer, the stars, fluffy clouds, scary clouds, stuffed animals, a brain, fancy shoes, a whistle with a story, creativity, hope, love, passion, honesty, desire, determination, mercy, grace, etc.

He empathizes with my pain, AND with my joy.

He has been through it all, and yet he is a picture of what it means to be selfless and sinless (Hebrews 4:15).

I often tire myself out thinking about tomorrow, even though it's never promised, and my anxieties, even though I know that I need to present my feelings and requests to him in prayer.

I pay too much attention to what's wrong instead of the million of things that are going right.

This way of thinking is poisonous, dangerous, and ultimately useless.

Think God's thoughts....

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 173: Overdue

There is a lot going on in my mind right now, but all I kept coming back to was this song. I'm a mess right now, overdue for time with my friend, and savior....

Overdue, by Strangers and Pilgrims

I'm a broken arrow, I'm like a bone dry well.

I'm a fruitless fig tree, Lord I need your help.

I'm a two way Christian, I've got one foot in hell.

I'm a spineless soldier, Lord I need your help.

I need you.

Oh, my soul, my soul,

our time is up, I'm overdue.

Oh, my love, my love,

now I will go, return to you.

I'm overdue.

I'm a two side coin flip, you never know what you'll get.

I'm a selfish hypocrite, Lord I need your help.

You gave me one good talent, I buried it underground.

I'm a useless servant, Lord I need your help.

I need you.

Well I'm afraid of where I'll run when you say you're coming soon.

And I'm afraid that I'll be the one who you say you never knew.

I'm overdue.

And, even though I fall apart and fail daily, I read this reminder today:

“The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;

he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.”

Psalm 113:8-12

He is our constant HOPE.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 172: Dear Lilia

This is just a letter to myself. It helps to separate myself from my life so that I can be somewhat objective. Here is what I think I really need to hear/know/understand.

Dear Lilia,

You cannot love someone who doesn't love you, and you can't keep doing this to yourself. God wants more for you; He has more for you.

Listen when He calls to you, and keep knocking. Never stop knocking.

You need to realize that there is truth in your worth and your value. Why do you continually let people take what they want and need from you? Why do you insist on being poured out time and time again, only to become an empty shell in the end?

God needs to be in control of your life, and that means every part:

Your heart,

mind,

soul,

body,

relationships,

friendships,

struggles,

failures, and

successes.

Stop giving people power over your life, and recognize the difference between being loved and merely being acknowledged.

Stand strong, there is nothing to fear when He is with you.

There is only victory in Christ; remember this when you are strong and weak, happy and sad, struggling and content.

In Christ,

Lilia

Days 169-171: The Good Friday Revival & Easter 2012

Good Friday brought a relationship back from the grave. After taking the time to officially give up a friend for lent, I initiated contact to restore this friendship that had been put to rest for 40 days and 40 nights.

During this time, I wondered: what is this achieving? I cried for the first two days, thinking that I had just lost one of the best friends I'd ever had. But, I knew that it was what I had to do.

I knew that God wanted more from me, and more from my divided heart.

On Good Friday, I was reminded of His goodness, pun totally intended. Not only did he provide me with a friendship that just seemed to pick right up where it left off, but he showed me the value and vulnerability of this friendship in a way that I had never seen before.

I feel like I saw the heart of this friendship for the first time.

And how did this happen?

In brokenness, like it always does. At times, we wonder if we are valued by others the way that we value them, and this time apart cemented the idea that my friendship is not a fad, but a source of encouragement and support for this friendship.

I felt really valued for the first time, and I'm still not sure how to feel about that.

Either way, Good Friday ushered in the rest of the weekend, and Easter came and went without a hitch. I was blessed beyond belief to be able to serve in a children's ministry that is so rock solid about Jesus, and I was blessed by people who have become my second family up here, and cherish me with a love that comes directly from God.

This Easter weekend brought back one friendship, strengthened another, and helped me to see just how much God is the glue that holds our entire universes together.

Praise Him...

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 168: Watching the World Go By

I've been hanging out, and watching the world go by. Lately, I have been so caught up in the millions of things to do hat I have barely taken any time to really live.

Yes, I am active here, and incredible involved there, but my mind and heart are absent so often; and, usually, I'm not sure where they are.

With travel, change, and hope around every corner, I find myself caving under the pressure. It's not an obvious collapse, but slow and steady, gaining momentum with every step taken in guessing and not obedience, or faith.

For some reason, there has been a lack of feeling, interest, and even flavor in the life that I lead.

I recognize the gap stems from my on again, off again, love affair with the Creator of the universe. I hear when He calls me to be still, and know that He is God, but I also know that He is calling me to live worthy of all He has given me.

I desire to do nothing more than to watch the world go by, knowing that I am feeling passionately about everything that I am seeing and experiencing.

I desire life, and life abundant, and that cannot happen without the creator, and sustainer, of life.

God, help me...

Lilia

Day 167: Somebody to Lean On

I've always had problems really confiding my deepest concerns or problems with people in my life. I've had, and have, people I consider best friends, but I still found myself keeping most things under wraps and far away from our conversations.

This year that all really fell apart.

During my time in Haiti, I discovered what it's really like to lay everything out before people...most of which I didn't know previous to going on the trip. I learned what it was like to completely bare my soul and my story to others without even knowing how they would react.

It was freeing in a way that I can't really describe.

All I'm trying to say is that we need to realize that the people God has in our lives are there for a reason, and if they are for you to confide in, then don't let fear or shame keep you from that.

Open your heart, heal, and see what God has for you in your vulnerability.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 166: The Sweetest Moments

As time passes, and days, months, and years are added to my life, I often think about the sweetest moments that have made my life what it is. I think about sunny days, climbing mountains, lying in the grass with the trade winds blowing, and being surrounded by friends and family who love me. I think of my sister always wanting to hold my hand, and how my brother is slowly becoming the funniest person I know.

I think about never losing sight of the ocean, and how being surrounded by blue was normal.

Then I think about the beauty that I have been surrounded by for the past six years; I find security in the rain and grey of a typical Portland day, and find peace in falling snow that never seems to really stick.

When I was young, I took so much for granted simply because I didn't take the time to see all that I was fortunate enough to have and be surrounded by.

And now, I feel overwhelmed, like I am feeling all of it for the first time. In a previous post, I remember contemplating how I was desensitized, and how the glory of God in creation wasn't something I invested in.

But now the beauty is astounding, and so clear.

There are so many blessings that outweigh the pain, sorrows, and struggles of my life, and I praise God that I am able to see now what He has been blessing me with for so long.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 165: The Greatest Teacher

I'm almost a quarter of a century old, and I think that maternal instinct is starting to kick in.

It's not that I want to have children right now, by any stretch of the imagination, especially since that would require having a husband, which would first require having a boyfriend, which would first require actually being interested in someone.

But I think, as I look at my life, that there's so much vested in the future that I can't help but think what that future would look like if I had created it myself.

It's made me see life as the gift it is.

Every day, I get to be in a position to positively affect the youth, and future, of our society. And, on most days, I'm okay with that. But, sometimes, it's easy to get caught up in the hype that so many people surround young people with today.

They're lazy; they're entitled...blah, blah, blah; I even catch myself rambling these things.

But, truth is, so was I...so am I.

There is a fine line between correction and criticism, as well as love and infatuation. Instead of constantly criticizing, we need to be willing to correct. And, instead of pandering to our children, and becoming infatuated with what they think of us, we need to love them with kindness AND discipline.

Lately, I've been thinking of this a lot in regards to coaching. Do my kids know that I am hard on them because I love them? Do they know that I correct them to make them better? Do they know we run because we need a reality check?

If I can answer yes to those questions, than my job is done. Yes, sometimes I have to be the bad guy. And, yes, sometimes they won't like what I have to say. But in the end, when they are better for it, my job will be complete, and both of us will reap the benefits.

And how do we remember to stay humble, pour out, and correct in love?

The cross.

Yes!

Jesus is always at the forefront...in church AND every other part of our lives, like lacrosse.

He was the greatest teacher who ever lived, and I keep learning so much every day.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 164: Til I Only Dwell In Thee

I've been so off track with my daily readings lately. I've managed to miss entire days, and even multiple days in a row. It's all so sad when I think about it. It's so easy to remember the need for making time, but so hard to actually follow through with it.

But, yesterday, I read my daily reading, and it spoke to me so completely.

In my anxiety, and stress, over money, my upcoming mission trip, and my future plans, I needed to hear the word that was presented to me in Deuteronomy 30. Here is a an excerpt that spoke to everything my mind was thinking about:

 1 When all these blessings and curses I have set before you come on you and you take them to heart wherever the LORD your God disperses you among the nations, 2 and when you and your children return to the LORD your God and obey him with all your heart and with all your soul according to everything I command you today, 3 then the LORD your God will restore your fortunes and have compassion on you and gather you again from all the nations where he scattered you. 4 Even if you have been banished to the most distant land under the heavens, from there the LORD your God will gather you and bring you back. 5 He will bring you to the land that belonged to your ancestors, and you will take possession of it. He will make you more prosperous and numerous than your ancestors.

Reading through this, I couldn't help but notice the obvious pieces that match so closely to what I am going through. It's always amazing when we figure out how our story is playing out in the larger story that God has for our lives.

This passage showed me that when I trust God with what I have, that he will restore me and gather me from whatever nations He sends me to for a time. I have been so scared of what it will mean to leave Oregon, that I haven't taken the time to see that my God will still be my God wherever I end up, and He will gather me, at some point in time, from the places in which He puts me.

So, when all is said and done, I can be confident that if I take to heart what God gives me as He sends me out, and obey him with all my heart and soul, I will be restored to my fortune and gathered from wherever I am sent.

He is a God who seeks out the faithful, and even seeks to bring those who wander back into the fold.

This was/is beyond comforting for a girl who is just trying to follow Jesus, and get it “right.”

“If to distant lands I scatter, If I sail to farthest seas, would you find and firm and gather, 'til I only dwell in thee?”

http://youtu.be/tJDly8Fe8W8

His answer is always “yes.”

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 156-163: Spring Break/Dragging My Feet

As a coach, I stress to my players that when they move, they need to move with purpose. Whether it is cutting in for a pass, moving their feet on defense, or running the ball down the field, there has to be a specific reason for every move that they make.

I'm only realizing now that this is no different in every day life.

As I prepare myself for the next phase in my life, I find myself doing so many things that have no purpose, and serve to fill my time instead of improving it in any way. I move without purpose, through some haze, unwilling to connect with anything around me because I feel like I can't really continue to put down roots.

On the other hand, I am not willing to disconnect either, so in so many pieces of my life, I am hanging on by a weak string...

Spiritually, I feel like this in-between time is taking me through a draught. This is one of those times where I still feel the entirety of God's strength, but can't help but also feeling distant. And, much of it is because of my own shortcomings to really dig in.

This apathy is killing me...I need to remember that He overcame.

And I can, too.