Day 118: What I Hate, I Do

“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” Romans 7:15

This has been my life, lately.

After I finished my last blog, I felt as though I wrote too much about how I had been affected by another person's lack of respect for me, and for themselves. I didn't feel like I took enough responsibility for the predicament I'm in.

That is what this blog post is for.

I have been completely destroying my life as of late. In the midst of all of the blessings that God is pouring down on me, I have struggled with issues of self control and personal purity.

I have gratified my emotional, and physical, desires without thinking about consequences and/or the repercussions. Yes, I felt that I was somewhat lead astray, but I willingly went, knowing full well that my self control was weak, at best.

I was satisfied with happiness instead of life-giving joy.

And now, when I think about it, it's obvious that my lack of self control came from my lack of discipline to be in the word and fellowship. Although I read everyday, I wasn't digging in like I usually do, and I really wasn't investing in God's word, as usual.

On top of that, I wasn't keeping myself accountable. There was no discussion, confession, redemption. All I had was tearful repentance, alone.

That is not what we are called to.

I was purposefully keeping myself distant, and in the dark.

Realizing all of this came in the midst of confusion. I had so many things to say about this situation, but what it all came down to was that I was unhappy because I knew that this situation wouldn't get better. It couldn't, at least not in the direction it was going.

I spent most of today with my mind absent from all of this. At my new job, there is a ton of stuff to keep me busy, and so luckily there is nothing on my mind besides what I need to get done. On the drive home, though, I thought about how ridiculous I was to allow myself to reach this point.

What was wrong with me?

Instead of being a person who brings glory to Jesus, I felt like someone detracting so much from Him. And there really isn't another feeling comparable to that. But as much as I could spend my time wallowing in how dumb I am, I find myself remembering grace...remembering mercy.

In light of what I've been going through, I know that I need to come to the cross and really give it to Christ. In terms of self control, and the discipline I know I need, I'm looking to God's word to teach, and remind, me of the true fruit of the spirit that self control is.

God is teaching me that when I am right with Him, fruit will grow and I will not wither away like I have been doing for the past few months. I'm ending this blog with the fruit of the spirit, so that you can soak up what I am soaking up, and can see how we will know if we're in right relationship with God.

Are we peaceful, joyful, loving, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle? Do we have self control?

I need to crucify my flesh, and I know that Christ is the only one who can help me to do that.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.” Galatians 5:22-25

In Christ,

Lilia