Day 182: Crystal Clear

Hello everyone -- and by everyone, I mean the five people that actually read my blog...if there are that many ;) I'm sorry that I haven't written in the past month, but I have really been trying to figure out so many things in my life, and it wouldn't have been genuine for me to force out a blog a day when my mind/heart/soul was not in it. This is my return, my comeback of sorts....I am going to pick up on the day I left off, and still shoot for 365 so I'm not shortchanging myself, you, or the purpose I feel that God has for this blog....love you all tremendously <3

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No matter who I meet in life, or where I go, or what I think about, there is one truth that remains: it will always be Christ. What do I mean by that? I mean that no matter how many mistakes I make, or how much I feel my life may be spinning all over the place, and out of control, I will always be grounded in the truth of who Jesus and what He has done for me.

I will always be grounded in the reality that nothing will fulfill me like a relationship with the God who created the world, and cares enough to give me grace.

Lately, I’ve come to terms with not finding my identity, or everything, in a man. This has been a struggle in my life for as long as I can remember, and it scared me for a long time. The pressure that this type of thinking put on the men in my past was great, and caused all of those relationships to crumble. This happens because, when you think about it, no one can shoulder the weight or fill the void that Christ can.

No one is perfect, and no one can satisfy like that. We were never created to.

But, the people that God brings into our lives that come really close to that are the people I strive cherish each day. From my family, to my friends, they are people who love me so obviously, that I know God has placed them in my life to show me an example of how deeply he loves me.

To know that he loves me more than anyone else in my life is only made more real when I see the depth in which these people love me, and when I sit down and think of the depth with which I love all of these people in return.

Sometimes, it is unclear why God brings people into our lives, but sometimes it feels so clear. And that can be scary. I think often we feel the need to wade through a million things before we can be clear on the purpose God has for us, but I think that sometimes He makes it clear.

So crystal clear in fact, that it’s hard for us to believe.

I’m having one of those moments right now, but I’m having a hard time accepting it because this isn’t what happens to me. People don’t come into my life who I know are there for a specific reason, because God can’t work like that, right? He can’t be that clear, right?

Wrong!

But, just to make sure, I need to pray and seek more. Ask more. Is this really going to go there? Even though I’ve made all these mistakes? Even though this is a struggle and not a walk in the park?

Can you redeem this? Can you change this heart? Is this REALLY your purpose for me?

Right now, in my life, the saying that “God only knows,” is really what’s happening. Here’s to praying, seeking, and hoping, that my discernment and peace about this situation is from no one but God.

Lord, take away from me my selfish desire, and help me to discern blessings in my life and the purpose they are to serve.

I’ve messed up already, and all I long to be is blameless. Help me to show others you through my words, actions, passions, and desires.

I love you.

Lilia

Day 181: To Feel Pain

Today wasn't the easiest day for me. Now, because of my extreme annoyance at anything that resembles a “pity party,” I feel like I try to avoid discussing my problems (unless they lead to some huge revelation in some part of my life) in order to avoid seeming needy.

Maybe in reality I suck at this, and people see me as an incredibly attention seeking person. If the latter is true, please let me know asap...anyone who reads this blog.

Yes, I hear chirping....

Any way...

Without going into the gruesome details, my day fell apart, head to toe, in a matter of hours. I thought I had it all figured out, with leaving work to go and see the doctor, and being back at practice with some medicine ready to take on the world.

Naturally, I failed, miserably.

Not only did my car not manage to shift into gear so that I missed my doctor's appointment completely, but then I managed to forget that my car was still under warranty and paid an unnecessary fee that could've been avoided if only I had remembered the blatantly obvious.

And then came practice, which was less than stellar, as I tried to be as energetic as I could which, like everything else, failed spectacularly.

And then, in true Christianese fashion, I chastised myself for pain. How dare I let my “first world problems” get in the way of my life. There are people starving in other countries, children without medical care in Haiti that I saw.

I held their hands.

I touched the hair that was turning white from malnutrition on a toddler that could barely walk.

I'VE SEEN REAL PROBLEMS.

And it wasn't until a stupid blowout with a friend over what I took as an insult did I realize what I was doing, and have been guilty of doing for so long.

I was comparing pain instead of feeling it.

I discounted what I was feeling because it wasn't (and it definitely is NOT) as terrible as what other people experience.

But, I realized that when I compare that pain, I immediately lose sight of why I am feeling that pain. I push it to the back burner, hoping that I'll get through it because I should.

I'm American, so I should be able to brush it all off and figure it out.

When did I miss the memo to GET OVER MYSELF?

I am human; I experience pain.

I cried in my car in the parking lot of the rite-aid, and even more as the teenage McDonald employee brought my chocolate milkshake and fries to my car.

My friend told me that he would “talk to me when I got off of my period,” and I realized that sometimes society, as well as our own selves, allot a certain time for us to engage with and feel pain.

And, although I try not to be a person who admits to it, I feel so much pain.

There are times when I really try to contemplate it, but end up pushing it away because when I compare it to the rest of the world, it is useless.

But, it is mine. This pain belongs to me.

Just like their pain is theirs.

And although one is far worse, and something I hope to aid with, I need to own up to the fact that there are painful things happening in my life, too.

I need to acknowledge that there is pain before I can have any chance of overcoming it.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 180: Mahhweggg

Mahhhweggg is what brings people together.

Lately, I've really been paying attention to the relationships around me, and how people make them look so easy.

I've also seen how they can fall apart in the blink of an eye.

I finally found time to talk to a good friend of mine, and was brought back to a place of bitterness and profound disappointment. We tried to make sense of how the marriage of our close friends fell apart, and we found ourselves at a loss.

We wondered if there was anything that could've prevented it.

We discussed if we thought there was still hope that it could come back together.

That wounds could be mended; and harsh words could be forgiven.

We concluded that the answer was no.

And just like people can choose to walk away from their marriage, and from God's heart for it, I find myself choosing to walk away in different ways.

And then I find myself comparing the things that I've seen, to the things that I've done. I think that surely my mistakes could never amount to the disobedience of divorce...

But, of course, I remember that sin is sin; problems are problems; issues are issues.

No matter what I struggle with, big or small, it is all the same to the Lord.

And so I need to stop measuring my shortcomings because they are all the same to God.

The good news is that they are covered by HIS grace. Thank you, Lord!

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 179: For Granted

I really hate the feeling of being taken for granted.

Please don't read into any of this...it's not from anything I'm going through now, but just something I have been musing on lately.

There's a certain feeling of depreciation, or loss of value, when you feel like everything you do for certain people almost becomes expected of you. It's bizarre when I find myself going above and beyond in specific situations, only to have people be unappreciative.

But, even worse, is taking people for granted.

It's knowing that you are inflicting a feeling that you hate on other people in your life, sometimes without even realizing it.

Looking at my life, I know I take many things for granted: my health, my family, my friendships, my job, etc.

But nothing is guaranteed.

So, to all of my friends and family that I may have taken for granted, I want to apologize. Know that I love you. I deeply value the relationships in my life, and desire to show it more.

Too often, I take God's many blessings in my life for granted, only to later realize that nothing is certain, and that I need to do everything to the fullest, which includes being grateful for everything that I have.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 178: The Chasing Game

Today at church we started a new series in Philippians. If you're familiar with this epistle, or letter, from Paul to those in Philippi, you may be aware that it is so often called the letter that exudes joy in the midst of suffering. And this suffering is not a general suffering, but persecution for blatantly spreading the truth that Jesus Christ is Lord, not any man, or Caesar, etc.

BUT, as we went through the various historical pieces that play a huge part in this role, it was the ending questions that really caught my heart when we headed into prayer, and communion. One question in particular spoke to me, in both conviction and explicit wonder. The question was simple:

What are you chasing after?

Instantly, I wanted to put my hand in the air and proclaim “Jesus.” But, I know first hand that God doesn't appreciate lying. And I didn't want to be a liar.

In my life, I have pursued many things, and I have made many things into “gospels,” like we talked about in church. I have proclaimed the good news about love, and dead end romances. I have proclaimed the news of fashion, and materialism, and the other capitalistic ventures that make me a good American.

I have lived for so many gospels that bring nothing but death. But I want the one that brings me life, and life abundant.

I'm realizing that lately, I have chased two things: meaning for my life via a job, or occupation, that lines up with what I want to do with the rest of my life, and a relationship that I had a different vision for than what it currently is.

These two things that I have chased have overwhelmed my life entirely at different moments, but also have brought joy to my life. I have seen God's hand in both of them, but I have also seen my own selfish hand in there trying to make things happen that simply couldn't.

When John Mark asked this question tonight, I knew that I couldn't lie...I had been living for other gospels, and chasing after things that weren't always of God.

I need His discipline, and I need His love to remind me that when I chase after Him, I am not only chasing after what is good, holy, and right, but I am chasing after what is TRUE.

I want to worship the Lord that has given me life, grace, mercy, truth, and love, not the gods that I fashion out of my own desires.

I believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ, and I want Him to be in charge of my life.

Lord, let me chase after you with all of my heart. Meet me with open arms, I pray.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 177: Distant

There are many things that happen when you distance yourself from a thriving, living community. For me, the biggest thing is discouragement; a rapid decline in my ability to distinguish not only what is right, but what is right for me at any given time.

Before Easter, I missed church about three times. I was either out of state, or sick, but just that distance was enough to create within me an emptiness that sought to rob me of joy. Being apart from a community that is passionately in love with Jesus, even just for a few weeks, was painful.

And I was surprised how deep the pain was.

I felt like I was grasping for Jesus, but when you don't surround yourself with people living out what He has commanded, lines blur and sometimes the irrelevant takes center stage in your life.

I was worrying about so many things that warranted, and deserved, no real thought. It's amazing what we make into gods when we feel far away from the creator.

All of this to say, I am so happy that when these feelings overwhelm me, I can look to what God has done in the past and trust that He will bring me back into the fold, and back into community. I was encouraged just stepping into the downtown scene tonight because a living community is a beautiful thing.

When we opened the scriptures to learn about Jesus, and how people suffered for the gospel, I felt alive again, knowing that God had me in that exact moment for that exact purpose.

He is so beautiful, and He loves those who seek to follow Him and live for Him.

What a wonderful savior.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 176: Most High God

I just had my first meeting for Thailand, and I couldn't be more excited! The dynamic on this team is going to be so different, but I feel like my time in Haiti, and with my team, has prepared me to serve in this capacity.

I really never saw myself to be doing this in my life, ever. I never thought that short term missions were in His plan for my life, but my heart has clung to this ministry, and I need to be praying more than ever for my friends in Haiti, and those that I have yet to make in Thailand.

Looking at my name cards from the women's night of prayer, the card I have today is Most High God, and that is exactly the lens that I need to see God in more than ever. Living in America, I am blessed with so many things that take up my life. With all of this “stuff,” it's so easy to forget that He is not just a god, but that He is a creator, Most High God:

“Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him.”

Psalm 91:1-2

I want to live like this all of the time, not just when I'm heading on a trip. I want to rely on Him to be the Most High God, a place of refuge, safety, and the one in whom I can trust.

I'm incredibly blessed to have this opportunity, and I can't wait to share the love of Christ with everyone I meet on my trip.

But first, I want to make sure I'm doing it here, where God has blessed me so deeply.

In Christ,

Lilia