Day 147: Dependent

So, if you didn't know; I'm going to Thailand.

After catching a quick glimpse of a status update on Solid Rock's FB page, I thought that I would knock on that door and see what happened.

Naturally, God answered.

Ever since my friend Van Michael showed me a song called “Constance,” over five or six years ago, I have had a pull on my heart for children caught in the sex trade/human trafficking. But, I never really found a way to serve, or to get involved because of the own craziness and selfishness of my life.

When I went to Haiti, I feel like God broke down walls that were surrounding my heart and mind for a long time. I was always willing to step out and travel and have a good time for me. But, the concept of stepping out for Him was incredibly different. And, of course, so much better.

So, here I go again, relying completely on Him for everything I need. This time it's two weeks, and this time it's more money.

When you pray for a dependence on God, you certainly get it.

So here I am, hoping, praying, looking forward to all He has for me.  More details to come, soon.

In the meantime, please lease check out Remember Nhu, and the song “Constance” by Mr. J Medeiros!

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 146: The Safe Thing; The Right Thing

People always ask me why I left Hawaii. They wonder what defect it is in my brain that caused me to forego paradise for Oregon, and its fickle weather that can take you from sun to snow in mere minutes. The story I tell them is incredibly lame, but true:

“Once, my grandma said that Oregon was nice. So I thought...why not?”

True story. I came to Oregon because my grandma said it was nice. Side note: I really love my grandma, and I value her opinion, obviously.

So, that's why I am here. And that's it?

Oh, NO. That's just the beginning.

In my six year stint as an Oregonian, I've spent time straddling two cultures, constantly caught in a flux of emotions. I'm unsure how to process who I am in relation to my culture, and where I live now...and so I'm often in interesting dilemmas.

BUT, all of that aside, one thing that remains true is that I thank God for tearing me away from paradise to see what else is out there. In a place where it is completely fine to remain for your entire life, and never leaving the state isn't a big deal, I can honestly say that leaving Hawaii was the best thing I have ever done in my life.

It helped me to see life from an entirely new perspective, and to really pick apart the pieces of my life. I also fell in love with a God who I had always seen as a “way out” in tough situations. I came to know Jesus as a friend AND savior – a radical thought process for a girl coming out of a state completely overwhelmed with spiritual ambiguity.

My mom once told me that she admired my fearlessness, and I'll never forget those words. Coming from her, they meant a lot, because my mom is what most people would call BA. She is one of the strongest women I know, and has shaped much of how I see the world.

But, amidst the amazingness that is Hawaii, and is my family, there has always been a strange hold over me. Either out of worry, or fear, or both, shaking up the status quo has never been necessarily accepted.

When I spoke of things like London, Haiti, and Thailand, heads turned and wondered: why? Why do you need to go there? There are people here if you want to be helpful. Why do you need to leave all that you know?

And to that I say: you are completely right. There are people here who I could help, but the thing is, you can't deny the pull of the Lord, even if it takes you to uncomfortable places, and even if it isn't the safe thing to do.

Following Jesus isn't the safe thing to do, it's the right thing to do.

And this is exactly how I want to live my life.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 145: Jealous

“...for you shall not worship any other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God.” Exodus 34:14

“Be careful not to forget the covenant of the LORD your God that he made with you; do not make for yourselves an idol in the form of anything the LORD your God has forbidden. For the LORD your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God.” Deuteronomy 4:23-24

It's amazing the pleasure we sometimes take in knowing that someone is either jealous of, or jealous over, us. I see it especially in women; the glee that is found in two men fighting over them, or the smug smile of a girl who knows that another girl wants everything she has.

We like to feel important, and sometimes jealousy makes us feel that way, but this jealousy is never righteous, and always seems to be a means to another persons end.

When God is described as jealous, it is a righteous jealousy. He has a right to be jealous, because he has created us and knows what is best for us...after all, he is God!

In this life, it is so easy to set up idols, and to worship anything that we find amusing for more than five minutes. Romance, friendships, family; they are all wonderful, until they turn into idols that keep us from following and knowing God.

I've learned in the past year that God is a jealous God, and that he will break things in your life that he knows are not good for you. He will allow relationships to be strained, and even tear friendships apart if it means bringing us back to where He is and all that he has for us.

If there is something in your life that you are setting above the Lord, be wise and give it to him. He is jealous because He wants you to live life abundantly, and that can't happen apart from him.

Bend beneath the weight of mercy...

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 144: El Roy

“You are a God who sees me.” Genesis 16:13

“...every moment You know where I am.” Psalm 139:3

Do you ever have those I'm-eating-the-last-cookie-but-it's-okay-because-no-one-can-see-me moments? Do you make decisions based on whether people will think certain things about you, or even say certain things about you?

Do you live your live caring mostly for others opinions of you?

If we're honest, we would probably all answer yes to at least one of the questions listed above. And, the yes doesn't stem from a conscious desire, necessarily, but from a sense of belonging that has seemingly been ingrained in us by our culture.

It's still funny, though, that we hold these opinions of us in higher regard than God's own opinion, sometimes...especially in our day to day lives.

We often forget that God is El Roy, the God who sees. He sees US, not only what we do, or say, but He sees us, for who we are, and for who He created us to be. How amazing is it that the creator of the world would care to gaze upon us, and see us.

If you've seen avatar, you know the whole “I see you” thing, but when I think about how God sees us, I can't help but draw a comparison. He sees us, into us, who we are from the inside out. And when He sees us, He sees himself, for we bear the imago dei.

Know that God sees You, and loves you the same. Know that he has watched every ugly sin you have committed, and all the ones that were committed against you, and yet he has redeemed you, shown you mercy, washed you in the blood, and completely covered you in love.

I've heard it said, that in all other religions, man is seeking God, and looking for him. But with Jesus, he is constantly seeking, and seeing, all of us, looking to pull us out of a broken humanity and into everlasting life.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 143: Awaken, Refresh

“In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.” Genesis 1:1

“So God created people in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” Genesis 1:27

So often, I am numb to the beauty of creation. I may comment on how nice the weather is, but I feel like being raised in everyone else's “paradise” has jaded me in a way that I wasn't aware of before. When I hear people gasp at how beautiful something in nature is, I sometimes don't understand why.

I've come to find that I take the beauty of creation for granted so many times.

My prayer is to be refreshed. I want to look at the world in a new way, instead of yawning on each sunrise and sunset. Now, don't get me wrong, the other day I went on a hike to Angel's Rest, and my jaw dropped for a good long while, but I want to feel that way about all of creation.

I want to feel that way about the massive rain drops that we see here in Oregon, and about the sunshine that we have been so fortunate to see as of late. I want to go crazy over puddles, and mountains, and slush, and everything else that God has made in nature that plays a role in the beauty of the world.

God, remind me of how you created the earth and how you created us. Help me to awake to the beauty that you have surrounded me with, in nature, and in people.

Nature is evidence of your goodness; open my eyes to the wonders of your hands.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 142: El Shaddai

It's been over a year since I started walking with the Lord again. A year since I gave up trying to pull myself together and went to the one who makes all things new. Sometimes, I think of what my life would've been.

It's scary just thinking about it.

I would most likely be married, and perhaps even have a child on the way.

Like I said...scary!

Last year, I had the chance to go to my first ever Women's Night in Prayer at Solid Rock. This event has been going for a few years, but I never gave thought to actually doing it when I lived in Forest Grove. The thought of just getting out to Solid Rock was a feat, let alone staying out there to pray for six hours in the middle of the night.

But, after going back to church last year, and trying desperately to get plugged in, I was overwhelmed with excitement at the thought of being a part of this event. It was an experience that I'll never forget, and one that stretched me in a variety of ways.

Needless to say, I could go on forever about how it went.

What I want to focus on, at the center of all that awesomeness, was the name card that I received that night. Like they also did this year (and may have done in the previous years that I did not attend), the leaders gave one specific card that had a specific name for God on it.

We were told to take a moment, look at our cards, and share what we think they meant for us.

My card? The name of God that I received that night?

God Almighty. BOOM, BAM, in my face. I knew exactly what it meant. And, the verses on the card shed major light on what I already knew was true in my heart:

“For I am the LORD your God who stirs up the sea, causing its waves to roar. My name is the LORD Almighty, and I have put my words in your mouth, and hidden you safely within my hand.” Isaiah 51: 15-16

“When Abram was ninety-nine years old, the LORD appeared to him and said, 'I am El-Shaddai – God Almighty.' Serve me faithfully and live a blameless life. I will make a covenant with you, by which I will guarantee to give you countless descendants.” Genesis 17:1-2

In my life, up to that point, I had been relying on everything within me to get me through life. I was finishing up my teaching degree, living with my boyfriend, and trying to build a home on sand. There was no firm foundation for anything in my life, and that is why everything began to crumble.

When I moved out, and away from that situation, I felt God showing me how powerful He was...and not only that he was El Roy, the God who saw me, but He was El Shaddai, God Almighty.

So, when I read that card on my card ring from the Women's Night of Prayer, I remember a very specific time in my life when God showed his power, and then clued me in on it by showing me this name and its relevance in my life.

It is a struggle to allow Him to be El-Shaddai in a world that champions the “self-made” man, but when you have tried to go that route, and failed, is when you realize just how great it is that He is in control.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 141: To Be A Daughter

 

“Abba, Father, everything is possible for You. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want Your will, not mine.” Mark 14:36

“So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him.” Luke 15:20-21

When I went up to Seattle a few weeks ago to visit some friends, I went down to Green Lake to see what all the hype was about (one of my friends lives near it, and is always talking about how beautiful the area is). So, before meeting up with him, I made my way down to the water. I took some pictures, watched an American Heart Association run, complete with people in costume, and made a new friend who lived not too far away. But, when I first got there, what first caught my eye was a father playing with his two children.

I am a sucker for kids having fun, and when I see what seems to be good parenting. I love that these kids were out and about, even though it was freezing out, instead of being plopped in front of a TV. They were playing chase with their dad, when one of the younger ones said “Abba, abba, look at me, look what I can do!”

I was floored.

That word that I had heard so often in church, and how it was a term that Jesus used with God that was so familial and endearing. I was seeing it used in that way, and although it seems silly, it was a sight to see.

There was joy in that boy's face, an honest desire to show his father what he was so proud of being able to do. I couldn't help but think what there was in my life that would cause me to call to God like that. Was there anything? In my life, was there anything I was that excited about?

I stood in the cold and wondered, with my toes turning blue as I tried to reconcile my life with the joy in that boy's words.

I still think about that moment.

I want to not only recognize that God is my father, and daddy, but I want to treat him as such. So often I feel far away because He is so big, and I am so small, but I forget that He meets me where I am. He wants to hear about my day, what is on my heart, my hopes, my fears, etc. He wants everything, because he is a perfect dad.

All I want is to learn how to be a good daughter.

I missed out on really forming a bond with my step-dad because I went through an angry adolescent phase, especially when my siblings were born. I was bitter because I didn't know my biological father, and I resented everyone in my family for it. I wasn't concerned with being a good daughter, or with being anyone's daughter at all. I wanted everyone to feel my pain, and so I acted out.

Looking back at it now, I see the silliness behind it all. But, I don't really regret it, because it has brought me to where I am now.

Every day, God calls me to rely on him as my father, and it is my choice to do so. I want not only to do this, but to be like the child giving love with reckless abandon. I don't want to only know what Abba literally means, but I want to know how it feels. I want to engage with God in that relationship.

Here goes nothing.

In Christ,

Lilia