Day 155: Sacrifice/Obedience

For the last month or so, I've been all over the place. I've been trying to keep my head above water at work, striving to gain momentum with the lacrosse team I'm coaching, and all the while I'm trying to really dig into my relationship with the Lord.

In the midst of this challenge, I took some time to reflect on what I gave up for lent. For forty days and nights, I told the Lord that I would give up one of my closest friendships that I felt was taking me away from Him because the friendship seemed to really consume a lot of my time and energy.

I worried from the beginning that I would lose my friend, someone I held so dear to my heart, but I had to trust the Lord with what He had given me, even if I came to find that I was one friend short when lent was finished.

Like Pastor Phil said, it isn't sacrifice if it doesn't hurt.

And it hurt.

But, this past Friday, a little more than midway through lent, God showed me how He blesses sacrifice, no matter how big or small.

I was sitting in my living room after a early morning lacrosse practice, when I heard a knock at the door. I was confused, because my roommates all had places to be, and I was really hoping it wasn't my somewhat scary neighbors.

Instead, what I saw was my friend, who opened the door, gave me a hug, a dozen yellow roses, and a card. He closed the door, got in his car and drove off before I was even really aware of what had just taken place. I was even more confused because he lives out of state.

During our time apart, with no talking, texting, facebooking, etc, I had already convinced myself that our friendship was done, but that God would get me through all of it. I was sad, but so sure that what God told me to do in giving this up for lent was right.

On that Friday afternoon, God was good to me, and showed me how he blesses obedience.

The card and flowers showed me that this friendship was still in tact, and is so much stronger now because it is founded on the LORD, and his direction in our individual lives.

I thank God for all He has given me, and what he chooses to bless me with. It is a blessing to be obedient, and to sacrifice what He calls us to give even if it hurts at the time.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 154: Bread of Life

“...I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry again. Whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.” John 6:35

“For he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things.”

Psalm 107:9

If you know me at all, I LOVE to eat. In fact, I used to pride myself on being able to eat more than the guys I dated. I don't know why that amused me...probably because it was at a time when I could work it all off playing sports...now, not so much ;)

But, as with eating and finding satisfaction in good food (which is so easy to do when you're from Hawaii, and everything is delicious), I often wonder how literally that is happening in America. My roommate yesterday commented on how she was disturbed about how many obese people she saw in a restaurant. It wasn't that she thought anything was wrong with these people, but that something was definitely wrong in the choices they were making.

I draw this parallel because, as an enjoyer of food myself, I see how easy it can be when we enjoy too much of one thing, or even when we fill ourselves with things like food because it is how we sometimes cope with things. There are always jokes about girls who have a bad day and eat a carton of ice-cream, or more about how we always “eat our feelings.” And, while it's funny to laugh at from time to time, it is steadily becoming true.

In this time of reliance on food, I look at these verses from the scriptures with a new lens. It's so obvious that Jesus is talking about himself as more than a loaf a bread, and really giving us insight into the fact that He is a sustainer of life, much like bread was so long ago in the historical context.

These days, we are so quick to fill ourselves with food, or drink, or friends, or relationships, to satisfy our desires, needs, wants, etc. These decisions we make lead to unhealthy eating, drinking, unwanted pregnancy, heartache, heartbreak, jealousy, destruction, etc.

When we fill ourselves to the brink with unhealthy habits, why do we sit there wondering how we got there in the first place?

Fill yourselves with the bread of life that is Jesus. Let Him be your greatest desire, and the one you go to in times of need.

Better than ice cream, a boyfriend/girlfriend, family...more permanent than the love you think you are feeling, or infatuation, or the control you want in your life.

He is infinitely more. He is sustainer. Seek to be satisfied only through Him.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 153: Master

“Our children will also serve him. Future generations will hear about the wonders of the Lord. His righteous acts will be told to those not yet born. They will hear about everything he has done.” Psalm 22: 30-31

“I will say to the LORD, 'You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing.” Psalm 16:2

I keep running into situations where I find myself challenged to really look at what I hold close in life. There are days I go without reading my bible, and entire conversations I have without every mentioning Jesus.

What does this say?

When you walk with the Lord, it is not a path that is carved out carefully. Often, it is a path covered with overgrown grass, tall weeds, and potholes. I find that I am one to try to travel this path as long as is possible, instead of taking time to prune and care for the relationship I have with God.

I have to keep telling myself; if He's not LORD, or master, of all, He's not LORD, or master, at all.

I challenge you to not go even one day, or a few hours, without reminding yourself of this truth.

It will save you the difficulty it brings me....

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 152: The Cure for Greed

On Sunday, Phil spoke about tithing at church. Ooooh, the thing so many people cringe about. Honestly, I've never really thought about Tithing. I think this is mostly because I saw it as something that adults did, and only recently did I realize...oh no, I'm an adult, and it's time to start contributing. What I have heard from many people is that they are afraid to tithe because they aren't sure of where their money is really going. And, for the most part, I understand that. It is especially overwhelming when churches throw a bible at you, figuratively, if you don't give in great amounts, or at all. Now, I completely believe that the church should encourage tithing, but I don't think that churches should ever embarrass, or even pressure, people into giving. When this happens, people automatically shut down, and assume all you want is their money. And, sometimes, it really seems that way.

Today, I got paid. And for me, it couldn't have come at a better time. Transitioning into being paid monthly isn't something I'm crazy about, but it's such a blessing from God to have this job, and so I know that although it's not ideal, it is what is good for me and I am grateful. And, having thought back on the message, I immediately took out 10% for tithing so that I could take it to the weekly gatherings. And, the funniest thing happened.

It hurt.

It hurt so much.

And that's how I know it was the right thing to do. Phil made a comment that if it doesn't hurt, it's not sacrifice. How true it is. And don't think I'm writing this to showcase how I am actively tithing, because really this blog is about how shallow I have been with not tithing, and really how scared I am at how much money I am going to be giving. But, Phil said it best when he talked about how much we can trust God with. If we are going to trust him with our lives, than giving our money isn't as difficult. And, when you really think about it, the money is all from God anyway. It is our responsibility to steward it well, and to use it wisely for the body of believers and the greater community.

I know God blesses obedience, and I know this situation will be no different. I just have to realize that I need to do what I am called to do, and now I realize that once you give it all, it will only get easier over time. At first, I toyed with the idea of starting with 5% and moving up over time. But, really, would I ever make it to 10%? And why the need to shortchange God? There's something wrong with that!

So, I've learned a lot, and I feel like God is waking me up to the realization that I am responsible to follow His word, in all aspects, even monetarily. And, as I prepare to leave for Thailand, and have my experiences from Haiti, I know that the money I'm giving will fund organizations that are getting more done than I ever will alone. And isn't that what it is about?

So, if you don't give regularly, know that you are called to support the church that you are taking from, whether it be through messages, or programs, etc. This is a family, and we need each other. I encourage you to be generous, because we know the only cure for greed in this world is giving. I challenge you to trust God with your giving.

He will bless your obedience; He always does.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 151: Perfection

Throughout my life, there has one been one thing that most people who have met me have been sure of, and made it a point to comment about: my confidence.

It seems that although people have had varying thoughts on my intelligence, demeanor, and looks, the one thing that has remained constant has been my assuredness of myself regardless of whatever was going on around me.

But lately I feel like that confidence has been tapered by a desire to be the best, even when it doesn't really matter or have any real meaning. Tonight, while talking with a friend, we discovered our need to be the best at anything and everything. We discussed how people would point out a talent in someone and we would immediately think in our minds how we could do the same, and more importantly, how we could do BETTER.

This need for perfection, and perfection over others, isn't healthy and certainly isn't of the Lord. But how true is it of all of us, at some point? Lately, I've been justifying this behavior because I've seen others who I believe do certain things only for the attention, or the glory, and so I think it is okay for me to do the same.

But it's not.

Lilia, it's not.

Christian, it's not!

And the only way that I can remind myself about this is to remember that I am called to serve. I am not called to be famous, or to make a name for myself. I am not called to be in the spotlight, or to have people come to God through my talents. No, I am called to love, and to serve, and to show people who God is through my life, not through my constant need to be the best.

Now, this is not to say that we are not to live with, and purse, excellence in our lives, but I am saying that we can't afford to be consumed by it, especially when excellence takes away from the true meaning of our lives: loving, believing, and following Jesus.

Look in your own life. Are you doing everything for Jesus, or are you doing it for the fame, the recognition, the glory?

The sooner you are honest with yourself, the quicker you can be confident in how you are living your life, and who you are living it for.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 150: In This City

There are few feelings better than that of freshly washed skin. Without thinking, I enjoy my daily shower with little worry. I turn the faucet on for hot water and that is what I get. Refreshing, sometimes almost scalding, water greets me after a long day in the Oregon cold and rain. I watch the mud mix with the water, down the drain. I step out new, refreshed, and happy.

Then I remember that not everyone gets to feel this way. Not everyone is able to step into a shower after a long day and enjoy the feeling of being clean.

The thought sickens me.

Lately, so many things have felt out of my reach. There are so many things I want to accomplish, so much I want to do with my life, and so many ways that I want to help that I feel like everything is slipping through my fingers.

I wonder: am I doing enough in my life? Am I making any difference? Are people seeing Jesus in the way I live my life and the way I love others?

I'm scared to really answer those questions.

Going to Haiti marked a huge turning point in my life. The changed heart is there, but a changed life is so much more demanding.

Am I up to the challenge?

I think I've been spreading myself, and my heart, thin, trying to figure out where I need to serve, and what I need to do in my own life to ensure that I am helping to move the Kingdom forward.

I'm praying for specific direction in what places God would have me help his people. I already know He is growing in me a heart for missions, but I want to know what I should be doing in this city.

Lord, lead me....

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 149: Child

“To us a child is born...” Isaiah 9:6

“For the LORD your God has arrived to live among you. He is a mighty savior. He will rejoice over you with great gladness. With His love, He will calm all your fears. He will exult over you by singing a happy song.” Zephaniah 3:17

When I was in Haiti, I remember one of the young girls asking a very specific question: “why do you love children?”

At first, I was taken aback; I was shocked that this girl was actually asking us why we loved children, as if she needed proof It wasn't a question asked in an accusing way, but with genuine wonder. My immediate response is because Jesus does, and tells us to, because I couldn't quite articulate a response. But, one of the other gals with me was so on point when she reminded the girl, and the rest of us, that Jesus called us to have faith like all of them, like little children..and that is why we love children, because Jesus did AND because He called us to live with child like faith.

This faith is pure, and not worried with the anxieties of the world.

When I think through the names of God, “child” always makes me think because I rarely contemplate God as coming to us as anyone younger than the Jesus we know. But He did. Bound in human flesh, He came, for us...and He calls us to have faith like children, like the child that He came to us as.

In all of the things I am feeling in my mind and heart, I have to remind myself that I need to love Jesus like a child would. I need to see Him as a Father, not as a God who is constantly waiting for me to do better, but as one who loves unconditionally.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 148: Simple Prayer Request

Sometimes we do things because we know they are good for us, and because we know that God deserves more than we are giving. It's easy to devote your time to what you want, but how about spending it with God? For me, lent has been a time of giving up one of the friendships I am most invested in so that I can spend more time getting to know God.

And maybe the reason I feel so uneasy as of late is because that's not what's happening. Instead of growing closer to Him, I feel like I've just filled the time and space with everything else in order to simply keep me busy.

Pray that I act out my desire to let the spirit fall afresh on me. I don't want business; I want Jesus.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 147: Dependent

So, if you didn't know; I'm going to Thailand.

After catching a quick glimpse of a status update on Solid Rock's FB page, I thought that I would knock on that door and see what happened.

Naturally, God answered.

Ever since my friend Van Michael showed me a song called “Constance,” over five or six years ago, I have had a pull on my heart for children caught in the sex trade/human trafficking. But, I never really found a way to serve, or to get involved because of the own craziness and selfishness of my life.

When I went to Haiti, I feel like God broke down walls that were surrounding my heart and mind for a long time. I was always willing to step out and travel and have a good time for me. But, the concept of stepping out for Him was incredibly different. And, of course, so much better.

So, here I go again, relying completely on Him for everything I need. This time it's two weeks, and this time it's more money.

When you pray for a dependence on God, you certainly get it.

So here I am, hoping, praying, looking forward to all He has for me.  More details to come, soon.

In the meantime, please lease check out Remember Nhu, and the song “Constance” by Mr. J Medeiros!

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 146: The Safe Thing; The Right Thing

People always ask me why I left Hawaii. They wonder what defect it is in my brain that caused me to forego paradise for Oregon, and its fickle weather that can take you from sun to snow in mere minutes. The story I tell them is incredibly lame, but true:

“Once, my grandma said that Oregon was nice. So I thought...why not?”

True story. I came to Oregon because my grandma said it was nice. Side note: I really love my grandma, and I value her opinion, obviously.

So, that's why I am here. And that's it?

Oh, NO. That's just the beginning.

In my six year stint as an Oregonian, I've spent time straddling two cultures, constantly caught in a flux of emotions. I'm unsure how to process who I am in relation to my culture, and where I live now...and so I'm often in interesting dilemmas.

BUT, all of that aside, one thing that remains true is that I thank God for tearing me away from paradise to see what else is out there. In a place where it is completely fine to remain for your entire life, and never leaving the state isn't a big deal, I can honestly say that leaving Hawaii was the best thing I have ever done in my life.

It helped me to see life from an entirely new perspective, and to really pick apart the pieces of my life. I also fell in love with a God who I had always seen as a “way out” in tough situations. I came to know Jesus as a friend AND savior – a radical thought process for a girl coming out of a state completely overwhelmed with spiritual ambiguity.

My mom once told me that she admired my fearlessness, and I'll never forget those words. Coming from her, they meant a lot, because my mom is what most people would call BA. She is one of the strongest women I know, and has shaped much of how I see the world.

But, amidst the amazingness that is Hawaii, and is my family, there has always been a strange hold over me. Either out of worry, or fear, or both, shaking up the status quo has never been necessarily accepted.

When I spoke of things like London, Haiti, and Thailand, heads turned and wondered: why? Why do you need to go there? There are people here if you want to be helpful. Why do you need to leave all that you know?

And to that I say: you are completely right. There are people here who I could help, but the thing is, you can't deny the pull of the Lord, even if it takes you to uncomfortable places, and even if it isn't the safe thing to do.

Following Jesus isn't the safe thing to do, it's the right thing to do.

And this is exactly how I want to live my life.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 145: Jealous

“...for you shall not worship any other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God.” Exodus 34:14

“Be careful not to forget the covenant of the LORD your God that he made with you; do not make for yourselves an idol in the form of anything the LORD your God has forbidden. For the LORD your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God.” Deuteronomy 4:23-24

It's amazing the pleasure we sometimes take in knowing that someone is either jealous of, or jealous over, us. I see it especially in women; the glee that is found in two men fighting over them, or the smug smile of a girl who knows that another girl wants everything she has.

We like to feel important, and sometimes jealousy makes us feel that way, but this jealousy is never righteous, and always seems to be a means to another persons end.

When God is described as jealous, it is a righteous jealousy. He has a right to be jealous, because he has created us and knows what is best for us...after all, he is God!

In this life, it is so easy to set up idols, and to worship anything that we find amusing for more than five minutes. Romance, friendships, family; they are all wonderful, until they turn into idols that keep us from following and knowing God.

I've learned in the past year that God is a jealous God, and that he will break things in your life that he knows are not good for you. He will allow relationships to be strained, and even tear friendships apart if it means bringing us back to where He is and all that he has for us.

If there is something in your life that you are setting above the Lord, be wise and give it to him. He is jealous because He wants you to live life abundantly, and that can't happen apart from him.

Bend beneath the weight of mercy...

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 144: El Roy

“You are a God who sees me.” Genesis 16:13

“...every moment You know where I am.” Psalm 139:3

Do you ever have those I'm-eating-the-last-cookie-but-it's-okay-because-no-one-can-see-me moments? Do you make decisions based on whether people will think certain things about you, or even say certain things about you?

Do you live your live caring mostly for others opinions of you?

If we're honest, we would probably all answer yes to at least one of the questions listed above. And, the yes doesn't stem from a conscious desire, necessarily, but from a sense of belonging that has seemingly been ingrained in us by our culture.

It's still funny, though, that we hold these opinions of us in higher regard than God's own opinion, sometimes...especially in our day to day lives.

We often forget that God is El Roy, the God who sees. He sees US, not only what we do, or say, but He sees us, for who we are, and for who He created us to be. How amazing is it that the creator of the world would care to gaze upon us, and see us.

If you've seen avatar, you know the whole “I see you” thing, but when I think about how God sees us, I can't help but draw a comparison. He sees us, into us, who we are from the inside out. And when He sees us, He sees himself, for we bear the imago dei.

Know that God sees You, and loves you the same. Know that he has watched every ugly sin you have committed, and all the ones that were committed against you, and yet he has redeemed you, shown you mercy, washed you in the blood, and completely covered you in love.

I've heard it said, that in all other religions, man is seeking God, and looking for him. But with Jesus, he is constantly seeking, and seeing, all of us, looking to pull us out of a broken humanity and into everlasting life.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 143: Awaken, Refresh

“In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.” Genesis 1:1

“So God created people in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” Genesis 1:27

So often, I am numb to the beauty of creation. I may comment on how nice the weather is, but I feel like being raised in everyone else's “paradise” has jaded me in a way that I wasn't aware of before. When I hear people gasp at how beautiful something in nature is, I sometimes don't understand why.

I've come to find that I take the beauty of creation for granted so many times.

My prayer is to be refreshed. I want to look at the world in a new way, instead of yawning on each sunrise and sunset. Now, don't get me wrong, the other day I went on a hike to Angel's Rest, and my jaw dropped for a good long while, but I want to feel that way about all of creation.

I want to feel that way about the massive rain drops that we see here in Oregon, and about the sunshine that we have been so fortunate to see as of late. I want to go crazy over puddles, and mountains, and slush, and everything else that God has made in nature that plays a role in the beauty of the world.

God, remind me of how you created the earth and how you created us. Help me to awake to the beauty that you have surrounded me with, in nature, and in people.

Nature is evidence of your goodness; open my eyes to the wonders of your hands.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 142: El Shaddai

It's been over a year since I started walking with the Lord again. A year since I gave up trying to pull myself together and went to the one who makes all things new. Sometimes, I think of what my life would've been.

It's scary just thinking about it.

I would most likely be married, and perhaps even have a child on the way.

Like I said...scary!

Last year, I had the chance to go to my first ever Women's Night in Prayer at Solid Rock. This event has been going for a few years, but I never gave thought to actually doing it when I lived in Forest Grove. The thought of just getting out to Solid Rock was a feat, let alone staying out there to pray for six hours in the middle of the night.

But, after going back to church last year, and trying desperately to get plugged in, I was overwhelmed with excitement at the thought of being a part of this event. It was an experience that I'll never forget, and one that stretched me in a variety of ways.

Needless to say, I could go on forever about how it went.

What I want to focus on, at the center of all that awesomeness, was the name card that I received that night. Like they also did this year (and may have done in the previous years that I did not attend), the leaders gave one specific card that had a specific name for God on it.

We were told to take a moment, look at our cards, and share what we think they meant for us.

My card? The name of God that I received that night?

God Almighty. BOOM, BAM, in my face. I knew exactly what it meant. And, the verses on the card shed major light on what I already knew was true in my heart:

“For I am the LORD your God who stirs up the sea, causing its waves to roar. My name is the LORD Almighty, and I have put my words in your mouth, and hidden you safely within my hand.” Isaiah 51: 15-16

“When Abram was ninety-nine years old, the LORD appeared to him and said, 'I am El-Shaddai – God Almighty.' Serve me faithfully and live a blameless life. I will make a covenant with you, by which I will guarantee to give you countless descendants.” Genesis 17:1-2

In my life, up to that point, I had been relying on everything within me to get me through life. I was finishing up my teaching degree, living with my boyfriend, and trying to build a home on sand. There was no firm foundation for anything in my life, and that is why everything began to crumble.

When I moved out, and away from that situation, I felt God showing me how powerful He was...and not only that he was El Roy, the God who saw me, but He was El Shaddai, God Almighty.

So, when I read that card on my card ring from the Women's Night of Prayer, I remember a very specific time in my life when God showed his power, and then clued me in on it by showing me this name and its relevance in my life.

It is a struggle to allow Him to be El-Shaddai in a world that champions the “self-made” man, but when you have tried to go that route, and failed, is when you realize just how great it is that He is in control.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 141: To Be A Daughter

 

“Abba, Father, everything is possible for You. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want Your will, not mine.” Mark 14:36

“So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him.” Luke 15:20-21

When I went up to Seattle a few weeks ago to visit some friends, I went down to Green Lake to see what all the hype was about (one of my friends lives near it, and is always talking about how beautiful the area is). So, before meeting up with him, I made my way down to the water. I took some pictures, watched an American Heart Association run, complete with people in costume, and made a new friend who lived not too far away. But, when I first got there, what first caught my eye was a father playing with his two children.

I am a sucker for kids having fun, and when I see what seems to be good parenting. I love that these kids were out and about, even though it was freezing out, instead of being plopped in front of a TV. They were playing chase with their dad, when one of the younger ones said “Abba, abba, look at me, look what I can do!”

I was floored.

That word that I had heard so often in church, and how it was a term that Jesus used with God that was so familial and endearing. I was seeing it used in that way, and although it seems silly, it was a sight to see.

There was joy in that boy's face, an honest desire to show his father what he was so proud of being able to do. I couldn't help but think what there was in my life that would cause me to call to God like that. Was there anything? In my life, was there anything I was that excited about?

I stood in the cold and wondered, with my toes turning blue as I tried to reconcile my life with the joy in that boy's words.

I still think about that moment.

I want to not only recognize that God is my father, and daddy, but I want to treat him as such. So often I feel far away because He is so big, and I am so small, but I forget that He meets me where I am. He wants to hear about my day, what is on my heart, my hopes, my fears, etc. He wants everything, because he is a perfect dad.

All I want is to learn how to be a good daughter.

I missed out on really forming a bond with my step-dad because I went through an angry adolescent phase, especially when my siblings were born. I was bitter because I didn't know my biological father, and I resented everyone in my family for it. I wasn't concerned with being a good daughter, or with being anyone's daughter at all. I wanted everyone to feel my pain, and so I acted out.

Looking back at it now, I see the silliness behind it all. But, I don't really regret it, because it has brought me to where I am now.

Every day, God calls me to rely on him as my father, and it is my choice to do so. I want not only to do this, but to be like the child giving love with reckless abandon. I don't want to only know what Abba literally means, but I want to know how it feels. I want to engage with God in that relationship.

Here goes nothing.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 140: Healing

 “Who touched Me?” Luke 8:45

“And wherever He went, He healed people of every sort of disease and illness. He felt great pity for the crowds that came, because their problems were so great and they didn't know where to go for help...” Matthew 9:35-36

I rarely think of God as a Physician, even though he is referenced as the great Physician and shows the power of His healing through Jesus. In my life, I have been fortunate enough to be rather healthy. I was raised in a home where I never had to go hungry, and for the most part I was raised in a mentally healthy environment.

I am incredibly blessed.

And so when I see other people who have not had the same experiences as me, it is hard for me to comprehend why. I know that God is good, and that suffering produces perseverance, but sometimes I wonder why people suffer the way that they do. But I've seen, and heard, from people who have been faithfully healed that they recognize God in the mess and in the brokenness of our lives.

And that is encouraging.

As I go through the motions of day to day life, I have never stopped to think how I need to be healed. I guess I see healing as something radical, like making the lame walk, and the blind see. I look for massive miracles, instead of looking inside of myself to see the ugly that needs to be fixed.

It's hard to break open the rib cage to poke at the heart below it. It's messy, and it hurts, but when I see others reach inside themselves I am encouraged to do the same.

God is showing me that it is okay to ask for healing, and to ask for healing in anything. It doesn't have to be something huge and grand. It can be as simple as praying when my lower back is in pain, or when my heart hurts because of the way someone said something to me.

God is in the business of healing whatever is broken in our lives, and so we need to examine what it is that we need fixed.

I need to look and see what I'm holding back from His grace.

I'm afraid of what I will find, but wait in expectation of true healing.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 139: With

“Look! The virgin will conceive a child! She will give birth to a son, and he will be called Immanuel (meaning God with us).” Matthew 1:23

“...The Lord himself will give you the sign. Look! The virgin will conceive a child! She will give birth to a son and will call him Immanuel (which means 'God with us').” Isaiah 7:14

I've never been one to necessarily feel God with me. I've felt his presence, and power, but I think I often limit the amount of time I rest in Him, and with him.

I want to change that.

All around me, I see what He is doing in my life. Never before have I felt so alive in the moment that He has me in. I've never had more hope.

But, with that, I've never had more fear, and anxiety.

Do I have what it takes to accomplish all that He has set before me? Am I worthy of the call He has placed on my heart? Am I ready?

With Him, the answer is always yes. But the key is the with. I need to be with Him, taking in His direction for my life in the midst of my uncertainty.

I feel like I have been so distant from where I need to be, as far as digging into the roots of my relationship with God. In my mind, the desire is strong, but I long for it to make its way through my veins, and to my heart...I want it to become a life blood pulsing inside of me.

In this time of faith and doubt, from time to time, I will remember who He says He is, Immanuel, God with me.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 138: Servant = Hot & Holy!

In the past, when I've had crushes on people, or felt myself becoming interested in someone, I would causally mention it to my friends. They would react typically: giggle, want me to spill how I was feeling, and generally support me, even when sometimes I wonder why they did.

These days, I am in the presence of women who sincerely ask me:

Why?

Why do you like this man? What is it about him that has drawn you to him? What is it in his character that you find irresistible?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Yeah, they get deep.

And with all of these questions, my mind spun, as I was used to my other friends and their blind acceptance of my mindless crushing.

For the first time, I was being challenged to really examine why I liked someone, instead of the mere surface feeling of it all. I was being forced to really look at what it was about a man's character that would catch my attention.

And, with this challenge from my friends, I discovered that it is far easier to not have a crush on someone when you think in these terms. Sure, he is incredibly attractive, and is really nice, but how does he act when he is stressed out? How does he act when others are having a hard time?

How is he involved with helping humanity to flourish?

All these thoughts plagued my mind as I wrestled with what was truly important to me. And, at the center of it all (in complete agreement with my close friend that I was discussing this with), I came to the conclusion that at the heart of it, I am drawn to men who serve.

The capacity isn't necessarily a specific service, but to me it seems that a man who is willing to serve is also one that I wouldn't mind following and supporting in his mission. He also seems to be the man who would serve me on my mission as well, as we move toward the shared vision that we have.

And, if Jesus is irresistible to you, then this would make complete sense, because he came not to be served, but to serve. So, naturally, a man who serves is seeking to be like the God who made him, and to live faithfully in that image.

A servant is one who is selfless, and willing to lay down everything they have to do, in order to help someone else.

This isn't common, but it's beautiful.

And, although I discussed in my last blog that I don't believe I am anywhere near being in a relationship, I am satisfied knowing that I have a new found confidence in what I respect in a man, and what I admire most.

And, as I fall in love with my servant king, I pray that he shapes me into the same kind of servant that I so desperately hope to find in whoever he has for me.

Because there's nothing like two hearts that both beat to serve, and love Jesus.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 137: My Husband

When I was at the women's night of prayer this year, I received a name card for God, like all of the other women there. This year, the name I received was “my husband,” and immediately I knew what it was all about. In the verses that adorned the front, and back, of the card, the clear message from God was:

I am faithful. I am enough. I am all you need.

And I needed to hear that. In a society that tells you so often that you are nothing without money, status, or a significant other, it is always incredibly important to focus all of your attention on the one who has a plan for you: Jesus.

For the longest time, I have struggled with my focus. My brain was so scattered, and only a few precious minutes were designated for the one who created me. I crammed the rest of my time with friends, unhealthy thoughts, and extra activities.

I looked for time with God, but didn't make it. And that, my friends, makes all the difference.

We can't take time for God unless we make it. There will never be time to spend with Him unless we put him first before that movie, or facebook, or that friend, or that guy that you are all about.

He is sufficient.

He is enough.

“'In that day,' declares the LORD, 'you will call me my husband...'” Hosea 2:16

“I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion. I will be faithful to you and make you mine, and you will finally know me as LORD.” Hosea 2:19-20.

These verses were so convicting because I haven't been looking to Jesus for my sustenance, or even for my worth. I carelessly let others define who I was, and in the process I hurt myself more than I could imagine.

I am on the road, now, to regain that confidence that comes from knowing Christ. For a while, I thought I was ready to welcome a relationship in my life, but God has clearly shown me that He wants me first, and that He will be (and has already proved to be) faithful, and will show me righteousness, justice, and unfailing love.

There is no one on this earth that can give me all of that. And there certainly isn't a man who could do that.

I'm looking forward to getting lost in Jesus all over again. Lord knows I need it :)

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 136: The Word

“So the Word became human and lived here on earth among us. He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness.” john 1:14

“Let the words of Christ, in all their richness, live in your hearts and make you wise...” Colossians 3:16

The bottom line is that I'm not in the Word enough. Nowhere near enough, nowhere near what I should be. I am a wreck so often, and the solution is so simple. Am I seeing what God has to say about this...what He has to say about that? What He has to say about my thought life? How he feels when I act out my selfish desires?

Everything is grounded in the word. And, because of this, I wonder why it's so hard for so many of us, myself definitely included, to see that it is life giving. I feel like a huge struggle for many people I talk with is the issue of reading the bible enough. For me, this struggle is rooted in the fact that so often I feel like I know what God says in His word about many things, and so I lose a hunger for the very food I should be living off of.

I have seen my errors, and somewhat learned from them, but I still desire a more intimate want of the word. I know that it is a two edged sword, powerful and strong, but sometimes I just treat it like a book, like an inanimate object that is fortunate enough to be in my life.

And isn't that sometimes how we treat God?

I feel like it's very possible to tell someone's heart for God based on how they feel about his word, and how actively they are pursuing it. Chances are, if you're not pursuing his word and what he has to say, you're probably not really pursuing Him, either.

I'm not trying to chastise anyone, or call anyone out, and if I was, I would be the first person on my list. But, really, when it comes down to it, those people that you see who are so head over heels in love with God, are firmly rooted in his word. They are the people who pray out of the word, and who are so quick with a timely word from the Lord.

And I also believe that going to the word is the quickest way to come to the feet of Jesus. Raw, unfiltered, the bible tells the very real stories of our lives, and elaborates on our need for redemption, and a savior.

God is showing me that when I feel far away from Him, I am generally far from his word, and lost in whatever shiny thing the world has dangling before me.

I don't want to be caught up in the shimmer of this world.

I need to be caught up in the hope, and truth, of His word.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 135: Lord

“'Yes Lord,' the man said, 'I believe!' And he worshipped Jesus.” John 9:38

“And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.” Mark 12: 30

When I think of LORD, I think of Yahweh. I think of a mighty creator God. The one who moves mountains, is jealous, and declares what is good.

I think of someone I wouldn't mind following.

Someone I want to give my life to.

A couple months back, Phil was giving a sermon and said this about Jesus: “If He's not Lord of all, He's not Lord at all.” That still resonates me. And, even though it's one of those hip Christian catch phrases, that doesn't make it any less true.

In my life, there are so many things I hold tight in my little fists. Yes, Lord, you can have whatever is around me, and beside me, but I want to hold on to these things in my own hands. I don't want to let these things go.

After all, what will you do with them?

That is how my life usually goes. And, day by day, I try to figure out how to open my hands, put my palms up and surrender.

I even went so far as to get a tattoo to remind me of that surrender, daily, minute by minute and hour by hour.

Today, I spent a lot of time thinking about where I am, and how I came to be here. I thought of what I did give to God, and what I refused...and somewhat still refuse..to give Him.

I realized that it goes deeper than appearances...that to make Him Lord of all means giving him our hearts, thoughts, and feelings. Everything.

I know that I am not alone in this, and I know that He has good for me. Lord, help me to remember that what you have is better than anything I could make up, or try to selfishly keep.

Help me to make you Lord of all.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 134: Strong Tower

“The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous runs into it and is safe.” Proverbs 18: 10

“Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare about the LORD: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him.” Psalm 91: 1-2

How often is the LORD your strong tower? How often is He your place of refuge, rest, and safety? How much do you give to Him before giving to the world, and the people all around you? How is it that even though we know we are safe in His arms, we still seek to find comfort in the arms of others?

In a society where social media could be a metaphor for oxygen, the desire for an authentic relationship with God seems to be scarce. Sure, we say we want to know Him more, but do we? What in our lives is saying that we really do.

When I look at my own life, I sometimes see a sad shell of what I wish it would be.

I wish I would spend more time in the word than on facebook.

I wish I would spend more time in fellowship than watching shows on hulu.

I wish I would spend more time serving than going out to eat, watch a show, or seeking to gratify my own, mostly selfish, desires.

I think there is a feeling of insecurity on so many levels today, especially for my generation. We want community, and thrive on social interaction, but we often lack what is necessary to foster a deep connection with each other, and that is...a deep connection with Jesus.

How often do I forget that He is my strong tower, a place of refuge, the only one who gives me my identity. I am not founded in facebook, or established on hulu. I am not held accountable to the places I choose to go for entertainment.

I am founded in Him, established in Him, and held accountable to His word.

But, I barely live like that.

Because I barely make Him a priority, and I hardly seek to actively trust him. All of this is happening because of my deep devotion to other areas of my life.

And that has to end.

Like a moth to a flame, I find myself attracted to what the world has for me, and specifically what the world says about me. I see the world as my refuge, and place of comfort and safety. And, perhaps, that is why I am let down so often.

He is my strong tower, refuge, safety. He is the one who can calm the storms.

To him I will turn to praise.

Goodbye unhealthy friendship, goodbye facebook, goodbye dependency and self loathing.

I am safe in Him. Praise Jesus!!!

In Christ,

Lilia