Here we go again.

It's been three years since I left this blog.  Three years and some change when I gave up on where it was going and felt overwhelmed at what I felt like I had to do.


This time is different.


This time I'm not aiming for perfection, but for authenticity.  I want each post to matter to me and not just to be a number in a very long counting game.


I've decided to make Bridgetown my home church.  After wavering at Westside and a brief stint at Sunset, I've decided to try and dig in in this city and plant roots here.  I've gone the past couple of weeks, when they've been breaking into Thessalonians, and have enjoyed both sermons.  The first (last week's) was incredibly satisfying intellectually, with history behind the letter and some insight into the church plant in Vancouver.


Today, John Mark was teaching and I remembered why, still to this day, he is my favorite teacher.  I think it's his blend of arrogance and humility that can only be explained as human -- he is real in his pain and his shortcomings, and I appreciate that.


We just unpacked the first few verses, but the simplicity is often where I find the most comfort.  The main focus of the teaching was surrounding the tension between gratitude and grief.  Going through a tough break up, I'm settling into this tension -- I think it had to happen, and hopefully my ex is happy with whatever he chooses to do from now on, but I am teetering far closer to the grief as I mourn what was, could have been, and what I was hoping would come. 


Scripture tells us that work is produced by faith, labor is prompted by love and endurance is inspired by hope.  This is so timely because I know that the majority of this relationship was not driven by these ideas and I think the labor and work put into it, at least on my end, could've been far better and deeper.  I could've done more, and I admit that so many of our problems were because of me.  I can only thank God for grace and forgiveness, and pray that others forgive me, too.


The takeaway questions from tonight were...


Is your work directly shaped by your faith?
Is your labor motivated by love or something else?
Is your endurance in need of hope or your hope in need of endurance?


Let that sink in, because I'm also thinking about these things.  The biggest for me right now is that my hope is in need of endurance.  I think the reason I stayed so long in something that may not have been healthy was my fear that no hope would be there if I left.  But there is always hope in the Lord, and I'm coming back around to that realization.


Thank you, Jesus.

Day 183: Same/Different

It's hard to admit when you're wrong.

And, if you're like me, it's really hard to admit when you're wrong.

I don't think I ever really realized how narrow my thinking was on what it meant to be a Christian. Now, to clarify, I'm talking outside of the obvious, meaning that I'm not talking about anything regarding the essential teachings that every Christian knows to be true.

I'm talking about preferences, and experience; the small areas of our lives that are different from each other.

The pieces that make us unique, and remind us that we are not carbon copies of each other.

I tend to forget that just because we all have the same foundation in Christ, it doesn't mean we are the same person multiplied over and over again.

Lately, I've found myself judging harshly the way that people interact with Jesus. I look for downfalls instead of strengths, and I associate lack of knowledge with lack of desire.

Both of these things are wrong.

I need to remember that just as we come to Jesus in different ways, we walk with him in different ways. I need to remember that even though I feel most alive when I am worshiping in song, others may feel most alive when reading their bible, and still others may feel most alive when being in creation, or fellowship, or prayer.

The point is that we feel alive, and that we know where we experience God at the deepest level.

I need to remember that even though we celebrate that we all have come to know Jesus, and truly love him, that we will not experience his power in the same way all of the time.

I need to remember that that is natural, and mostly that it is okay.

God knows the heart, and is fit to judge it. I am called to encourage, and sometimes rebuke, but I am mostly called to love deeply.

God help me to remember that, and to do it.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 182: Crystal Clear

Hello everyone -- and by everyone, I mean the five people that actually read my blog...if there are that many ;) I'm sorry that I haven't written in the past month, but I have really been trying to figure out so many things in my life, and it wouldn't have been genuine for me to force out a blog a day when my mind/heart/soul was not in it. This is my return, my comeback of sorts....I am going to pick up on the day I left off, and still shoot for 365 so I'm not shortchanging myself, you, or the purpose I feel that God has for this blog....love you all tremendously <3

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No matter who I meet in life, or where I go, or what I think about, there is one truth that remains: it will always be Christ. What do I mean by that? I mean that no matter how many mistakes I make, or how much I feel my life may be spinning all over the place, and out of control, I will always be grounded in the truth of who Jesus and what He has done for me.

I will always be grounded in the reality that nothing will fulfill me like a relationship with the God who created the world, and cares enough to give me grace.

Lately, I’ve come to terms with not finding my identity, or everything, in a man. This has been a struggle in my life for as long as I can remember, and it scared me for a long time. The pressure that this type of thinking put on the men in my past was great, and caused all of those relationships to crumble. This happens because, when you think about it, no one can shoulder the weight or fill the void that Christ can.

No one is perfect, and no one can satisfy like that. We were never created to.

But, the people that God brings into our lives that come really close to that are the people I strive cherish each day. From my family, to my friends, they are people who love me so obviously, that I know God has placed them in my life to show me an example of how deeply he loves me.

To know that he loves me more than anyone else in my life is only made more real when I see the depth in which these people love me, and when I sit down and think of the depth with which I love all of these people in return.

Sometimes, it is unclear why God brings people into our lives, but sometimes it feels so clear. And that can be scary. I think often we feel the need to wade through a million things before we can be clear on the purpose God has for us, but I think that sometimes He makes it clear.

So crystal clear in fact, that it’s hard for us to believe.

I’m having one of those moments right now, but I’m having a hard time accepting it because this isn’t what happens to me. People don’t come into my life who I know are there for a specific reason, because God can’t work like that, right? He can’t be that clear, right?

Wrong!

But, just to make sure, I need to pray and seek more. Ask more. Is this really going to go there? Even though I’ve made all these mistakes? Even though this is a struggle and not a walk in the park?

Can you redeem this? Can you change this heart? Is this REALLY your purpose for me?

Right now, in my life, the saying that “God only knows,” is really what’s happening. Here’s to praying, seeking, and hoping, that my discernment and peace about this situation is from no one but God.

Lord, take away from me my selfish desire, and help me to discern blessings in my life and the purpose they are to serve.

I’ve messed up already, and all I long to be is blameless. Help me to show others you through my words, actions, passions, and desires.

I love you.

Lilia

Day 181: To Feel Pain

Today wasn't the easiest day for me. Now, because of my extreme annoyance at anything that resembles a “pity party,” I feel like I try to avoid discussing my problems (unless they lead to some huge revelation in some part of my life) in order to avoid seeming needy.

Maybe in reality I suck at this, and people see me as an incredibly attention seeking person. If the latter is true, please let me know asap...anyone who reads this blog.

Yes, I hear chirping....

Any way...

Without going into the gruesome details, my day fell apart, head to toe, in a matter of hours. I thought I had it all figured out, with leaving work to go and see the doctor, and being back at practice with some medicine ready to take on the world.

Naturally, I failed, miserably.

Not only did my car not manage to shift into gear so that I missed my doctor's appointment completely, but then I managed to forget that my car was still under warranty and paid an unnecessary fee that could've been avoided if only I had remembered the blatantly obvious.

And then came practice, which was less than stellar, as I tried to be as energetic as I could which, like everything else, failed spectacularly.

And then, in true Christianese fashion, I chastised myself for pain. How dare I let my “first world problems” get in the way of my life. There are people starving in other countries, children without medical care in Haiti that I saw.

I held their hands.

I touched the hair that was turning white from malnutrition on a toddler that could barely walk.

I'VE SEEN REAL PROBLEMS.

And it wasn't until a stupid blowout with a friend over what I took as an insult did I realize what I was doing, and have been guilty of doing for so long.

I was comparing pain instead of feeling it.

I discounted what I was feeling because it wasn't (and it definitely is NOT) as terrible as what other people experience.

But, I realized that when I compare that pain, I immediately lose sight of why I am feeling that pain. I push it to the back burner, hoping that I'll get through it because I should.

I'm American, so I should be able to brush it all off and figure it out.

When did I miss the memo to GET OVER MYSELF?

I am human; I experience pain.

I cried in my car in the parking lot of the rite-aid, and even more as the teenage McDonald employee brought my chocolate milkshake and fries to my car.

My friend told me that he would “talk to me when I got off of my period,” and I realized that sometimes society, as well as our own selves, allot a certain time for us to engage with and feel pain.

And, although I try not to be a person who admits to it, I feel so much pain.

There are times when I really try to contemplate it, but end up pushing it away because when I compare it to the rest of the world, it is useless.

But, it is mine. This pain belongs to me.

Just like their pain is theirs.

And although one is far worse, and something I hope to aid with, I need to own up to the fact that there are painful things happening in my life, too.

I need to acknowledge that there is pain before I can have any chance of overcoming it.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 180: Mahhweggg

Mahhhweggg is what brings people together.

Lately, I've really been paying attention to the relationships around me, and how people make them look so easy.

I've also seen how they can fall apart in the blink of an eye.

I finally found time to talk to a good friend of mine, and was brought back to a place of bitterness and profound disappointment. We tried to make sense of how the marriage of our close friends fell apart, and we found ourselves at a loss.

We wondered if there was anything that could've prevented it.

We discussed if we thought there was still hope that it could come back together.

That wounds could be mended; and harsh words could be forgiven.

We concluded that the answer was no.

And just like people can choose to walk away from their marriage, and from God's heart for it, I find myself choosing to walk away in different ways.

And then I find myself comparing the things that I've seen, to the things that I've done. I think that surely my mistakes could never amount to the disobedience of divorce...

But, of course, I remember that sin is sin; problems are problems; issues are issues.

No matter what I struggle with, big or small, it is all the same to the Lord.

And so I need to stop measuring my shortcomings because they are all the same to God.

The good news is that they are covered by HIS grace. Thank you, Lord!

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 179: For Granted

I really hate the feeling of being taken for granted.

Please don't read into any of this...it's not from anything I'm going through now, but just something I have been musing on lately.

There's a certain feeling of depreciation, or loss of value, when you feel like everything you do for certain people almost becomes expected of you. It's bizarre when I find myself going above and beyond in specific situations, only to have people be unappreciative.

But, even worse, is taking people for granted.

It's knowing that you are inflicting a feeling that you hate on other people in your life, sometimes without even realizing it.

Looking at my life, I know I take many things for granted: my health, my family, my friendships, my job, etc.

But nothing is guaranteed.

So, to all of my friends and family that I may have taken for granted, I want to apologize. Know that I love you. I deeply value the relationships in my life, and desire to show it more.

Too often, I take God's many blessings in my life for granted, only to later realize that nothing is certain, and that I need to do everything to the fullest, which includes being grateful for everything that I have.

In Christ,

Lilia

Day 178: The Chasing Game

Today at church we started a new series in Philippians. If you're familiar with this epistle, or letter, from Paul to those in Philippi, you may be aware that it is so often called the letter that exudes joy in the midst of suffering. And this suffering is not a general suffering, but persecution for blatantly spreading the truth that Jesus Christ is Lord, not any man, or Caesar, etc.

BUT, as we went through the various historical pieces that play a huge part in this role, it was the ending questions that really caught my heart when we headed into prayer, and communion. One question in particular spoke to me, in both conviction and explicit wonder. The question was simple:

What are you chasing after?

Instantly, I wanted to put my hand in the air and proclaim “Jesus.” But, I know first hand that God doesn't appreciate lying. And I didn't want to be a liar.

In my life, I have pursued many things, and I have made many things into “gospels,” like we talked about in church. I have proclaimed the good news about love, and dead end romances. I have proclaimed the news of fashion, and materialism, and the other capitalistic ventures that make me a good American.

I have lived for so many gospels that bring nothing but death. But I want the one that brings me life, and life abundant.

I'm realizing that lately, I have chased two things: meaning for my life via a job, or occupation, that lines up with what I want to do with the rest of my life, and a relationship that I had a different vision for than what it currently is.

These two things that I have chased have overwhelmed my life entirely at different moments, but also have brought joy to my life. I have seen God's hand in both of them, but I have also seen my own selfish hand in there trying to make things happen that simply couldn't.

When John Mark asked this question tonight, I knew that I couldn't lie...I had been living for other gospels, and chasing after things that weren't always of God.

I need His discipline, and I need His love to remind me that when I chase after Him, I am not only chasing after what is good, holy, and right, but I am chasing after what is TRUE.

I want to worship the Lord that has given me life, grace, mercy, truth, and love, not the gods that I fashion out of my own desires.

I believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ, and I want Him to be in charge of my life.

Lord, let me chase after you with all of my heart. Meet me with open arms, I pray.

In Christ,

Lilia