Day 181: To Feel Pain

Today wasn't the easiest day for me. Now, because of my extreme annoyance at anything that resembles a “pity party,” I feel like I try to avoid discussing my problems (unless they lead to some huge revelation in some part of my life) in order to avoid seeming needy.

Maybe in reality I suck at this, and people see me as an incredibly attention seeking person. If the latter is true, please let me know asap...anyone who reads this blog.

Yes, I hear chirping....

Any way...

Without going into the gruesome details, my day fell apart, head to toe, in a matter of hours. I thought I had it all figured out, with leaving work to go and see the doctor, and being back at practice with some medicine ready to take on the world.

Naturally, I failed, miserably.

Not only did my car not manage to shift into gear so that I missed my doctor's appointment completely, but then I managed to forget that my car was still under warranty and paid an unnecessary fee that could've been avoided if only I had remembered the blatantly obvious.

And then came practice, which was less than stellar, as I tried to be as energetic as I could which, like everything else, failed spectacularly.

And then, in true Christianese fashion, I chastised myself for pain. How dare I let my “first world problems” get in the way of my life. There are people starving in other countries, children without medical care in Haiti that I saw.

I held their hands.

I touched the hair that was turning white from malnutrition on a toddler that could barely walk.

I'VE SEEN REAL PROBLEMS.

And it wasn't until a stupid blowout with a friend over what I took as an insult did I realize what I was doing, and have been guilty of doing for so long.

I was comparing pain instead of feeling it.

I discounted what I was feeling because it wasn't (and it definitely is NOT) as terrible as what other people experience.

But, I realized that when I compare that pain, I immediately lose sight of why I am feeling that pain. I push it to the back burner, hoping that I'll get through it because I should.

I'm American, so I should be able to brush it all off and figure it out.

When did I miss the memo to GET OVER MYSELF?

I am human; I experience pain.

I cried in my car in the parking lot of the rite-aid, and even more as the teenage McDonald employee brought my chocolate milkshake and fries to my car.

My friend told me that he would “talk to me when I got off of my period,” and I realized that sometimes society, as well as our own selves, allot a certain time for us to engage with and feel pain.

And, although I try not to be a person who admits to it, I feel so much pain.

There are times when I really try to contemplate it, but end up pushing it away because when I compare it to the rest of the world, it is useless.

But, it is mine. This pain belongs to me.

Just like their pain is theirs.

And although one is far worse, and something I hope to aid with, I need to own up to the fact that there are painful things happening in my life, too.

I need to acknowledge that there is pain before I can have any chance of overcoming it.

In Christ,

Lilia