Day 77: For My Corners

Hearing God speak has never been my strong point. Whether it's because of my failure to listen, or because He doesn't quite have anything to say just yet, I sometimes feel lost without his voice.
 
Enter my fellowship, and friends. Praise God. 
 
Through them, I know that God speaks to me, even when I feel alone, or far from what He has to tell me.

Today is one of those days that I'm thankful for the people I have speaking into my life. They really are a gift from the Lord. I haven't had anything on my heart to write about, perhaps because yesterday's blog took a lot our of me, but I do know that God is bringing to light some solid friendships that have been getting me through so many things.

In the past week, I've been engaged in discussion with two of my closest friends (and corners) about everything from waiting to be pursued to recognizing what it means to be godly and feminine. In these conversations, I see women who are so bold and strong in their faith, but who are also vulnerable, even to the point of being swayed by the norms and expectations of this world.

Without this fellowship, I know that my heart would falter, if only because I know that so much of God's presence in my life is through those He has put in it.

Lately my heart has been at war with my mind, and I'm so grateful for these women who step in and help to calm it. I know that what He has for me is good, but I really needed to be reminded that I'm not the only one who is still waiting to see what it is.

Thank you, ladies; I love you from the bottom of my heart.



In Christ,



Lilia

Day 76: Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

Reflecting on my life, and my God story, I often think back to the way I was raised, and to the choices I made along the way. I was blessed with a solid immediate, and extended, family and for the most part, I was a very happy child. Along the way, I went through some rough patches, but was able to either move on quickly or bury my problems so deep that I never thought they would see the light of day again.
 
Naturally, I was wrong.

And all the things that I did try to store in a deep well ended up spilling over into the rest of my life, and I was caught between being happy and being devastated. I was raised to be proud, and not overly emotional, so I did my best holding everything together while striving for all of my ambitions.
Coming to college, I was so happy to get away from everything that my childhood held. I was escaping from my family, an ex boyfriend who I broke up with so that I could “see what was out there,” and friendships that I felt like I had almost outgrown.

I was immediately thrown into the party scene of college, and I felt right at home. I had been in a cycle of coping with alcohol and sex since the age of 17, and picked up where I left off for the most part. I enjoyed being around new people, and was comfortable with the influences that surrounded me. 
 
The funny thing was that I was paired with a roommate who was a Christian, and it was a bit awkward to begin with. Who was this girl, reading her bible constantly and not partying? How weird was she? I wasn't upset at her, I was just interested...wondering why she chose to live the way she did.

I later found out that everything she was doing was in an effort to save her faith, and that she had hit some difficult times with what she was believing. 
 
It is strange to now see that the unraveling of her faith was the beginning of mine.

College progressed, and I was out of control, until one night when my mind and body gave up on me. In addition to making an idiot out of myself, and having to be carried home by a couple of friends, I lived right across the hall from the RA. 
 
Perfect, right?

She was actually a Christian, too, and years after this incident, I was happy that she did what she did.
I was in trouble, and I had to do a few things to make it right within the college system. It was when I hit this weird rock bottom that I wanted what my roommate had, or was struggling to keep.
I threw myself into going to church, first at our college ministry, and then at Solid Rock, which is now my home church. I was saved at the age of 19, and have been trying to walk with Jesus ever since. A year or two back, I completely stepped away, and so this past year has been my come back to Jesus time.

I share this small part of my story because, for the most part, many of us hate who we've been. For a long time, I was stuck on that...on how misguided I was, how lost. But there's a beauty in that, in the broken and confused.

Lately, I've been talking with a friend who just sent me an email that he wrote ten years ago. To give a little context, this friend is now really reconnecting with Jesus. He is finding what it is to develop and grow in what God has for Him, and is learning to fall in love with God again.

Within this email, a 16 year old version of my friend is found, overjoyed with his love for God. He writes about his goals for life, and really what he wants to be held accountable for, which is impressive for a 16 year old. He writes with a passion for God that brought me to tears.

My friend has not read this email since he wrote it, mostly because he yearns for what his past was. He hates who he has been recently, and finds joy in who he was before. But, when I read the email, I saw the same man in that boy.

Even though his choices in life didn't match up with what his hopes were as a 16 year old, I see the hope and joy within this 16 year old in my friend now. And, although he is much more jaded and broken by the world than he once was, the desire to know who God is and to follow him unashamedly is still there. I can see it.

God has been teaching me that there is no pit so deep that He is not deeper still.

Nothing from our past can overwhelm the power that He has to heal, and to restore. He is in the business of fixing messes like us, and within these two stories, I see God purposefully healing and covering old wounds and sins with love.

The only thing is that we need to let Him.

Often, I find my friend thinking about the past, and how happy he was with where he was. My prayer for him is that he will give himself the chance to be happy, with God, in who he is now. It is true that both of us hate who we've been, for me it was when I was in my childhood/college, and for him it's who he's been for the past few years, but we each know what God can do if we let him...and I pray that we keep that as our focus.

Know, that no matter where you've been, or what you've done, in life, God has plans to prosper and keep you, not to harm you.

Let Him heal your past so that He can bless your future.






In Christ,



Lilia

Day 75: The Wow Factor

Today, I had a conversation with a friend about what I now call the “wow” factor. From our conversation, I gathered that he hopes to be “wowed” by the woman that God brings into his life. We discussed how that would function, and how it may be different for women and men. For him, or perhaps men in general, it seems like the initial “wow” factors would be appearance and personality, while it could be much more fluid for women. For example, certain “wow” factors for me would be humor and intelligence before physical attraction even entered my mind. Mind you, these “wow” factors are all second to an obvious love for the Lord!
 
After going back and forth about all this “wowing” business, he went to work and I went on with my day, thinking about how I am “wowed,” and wondering if there was anything in me that could be considered “wowing” to others.

And, naturally, I drew a blank.

I realized that there was no real way to “wow” anyone if I was thinking about it. After all, aren't we truly impressed when people are themselves? Isn't it so plainly obvious when we see people striving to be something they aren't for the sole reason of proving that they are amazing? It's a sad way to live.
Yet, it seems as though so many do just that.

I guess the “wow” factor is in the eye of the beholder because, honestly, although some people are able to “wow” everyone, it's more likely that people will be drawn to each other because of their own preferences, etc.

And now, you're probably asking yourself how this even relates a tiny bit to what God is teaching me. WELL, I'm glad you asked :) 
 
For the majority of my life, I have been unimpressed with myself. Even now, there are so many things about myself that I wish I could change. I don't consider myself to be beautiful, or even pretty, and there are far too many character flaws to mention.

And that's only the beginning of my insecurities. 
 
But, these insecurities don't exist when I honestly seek the Lord. Each day that I choose to follow Jesus, these fade and fall by the wayside as I try to figure out how to be more like Him.

In some crazy way, I know that He is “wowed” by me. He sent Jesus for us, and for me. In His protection, love, and mercy, I can feel like I am beautiful and valued, even when the world says, or treats me, otherwise. I am comfortable in who I am because of whose I am, and I find it hard to second guess what God has made whole in my life.

I am beauty from ashes.

As I wait, sometimes patiently and sometimes impatiently, for the man that God will bring into my life, I can't help but hope that he is “wowed,” too. And I know that the only way for that to happen is for me to keep following Jesus with everything that I have. Because if I have a man that is “wowed” by anything about me, I hope that it is by the most enduring and vulnerable thing about me: my love for Jesus.

If he's “wowed” by my humor, or intelligence, or beauty, or cooking, that's all a plus that flows from my desire to know my God more and more each day.

And I pray that when I see him, his passion for Christ will have me saying WOW from the beginning, and for the rest of my life.






In Christ,



Lilia

Day 74: For the Good of Others

Even in the little things, God is magnified.

This story is long...so this is the short version. At work today, I was asked to do something that I didn't really want to do, and it took me a while to say that I would do it. I didn't immediately think what would be best for everyone else, but selfishly I thought about what I wanted. 
 
In the end, my decision was based on what would work for everyone else, but I was ashamed that I didn't immediately think of that. But then I remembered that my nature is not that of God's. My natural instinct is to look out for myself, and while that is definitely not true of everyone, I would venture to say that it's true for many of us.

I found it interesting that just moments before this situation, I took the time to post a picture to my FB of my wrist tattoo that reads “surrender.” The caption I included for the picture said, “every day is a choice,” and I love that immediately I was given a choice whether I could be upset about something, or surrender it to God while looking to do what was selfless instead of selfish.

Our natural bent is not necessarily for the good of all because so often we are so concerned with ourselves.

Along with the choice to surrender my life to God daily, I need to learn to surrender myself to the needs of others. I need to remember that Jesus is a servant King, and the perfect example of what it means to sacrifice for the good of others.

This situation was not the most difficult, or challenging, but God uses even the tiny pieces of our lives to show us the huge revelations that He has for us.

This girl is so thankful.

Surrender your wants and desires to Him, and be willing to serve others no matter what the cost.  Lay down your lives for your friends, and show them who Jesus really is, servant AND Lord. 

In Christ,






Lilia

Day 73: Disciple

I can't really believe that it is 2012 already. I brought in the New Year with dear friends, people who I know God has blessed me with for specific reasons. At midnight, I was already being blessed, which was ridiculously encouraging.


This morning I got into my Sunday rhythm, even though I desperately wanted a few more winks of sleep. It may not have been the best idea for me to go to sleep around 2:30 when I knew I had to be at the 8 am, but that's neither here nor there :)

I went to church, found my amazing buddy Kade and friend Yeonsoo, and spent the morning learning about God's faithfulness to Joshua. We were in and out of the lesson, because sometimes Kade needs “me” time, especially if he is overwhelmed. But, we were in long enough to hear and learn about the scripture verse, which was Romans 8:37 – “We are more than conquers through Him who loved us.”
It was a very interesting way to start the new year, remembering that anything is possible through Christ, and that we can overcome anything that may have overwhelmed us before when we allow Christ to reign in our lives.

After being blessed by Kade, which happens every time because he's so awesome (today he asked me if the Christmas gift I gave him was a car, or a tub...LOL), I went to work in the coffee ministry. And, after that, it was finally time to sit in on the noon service.

Since we finished our series on Salt + Light, JM did a standalone teaching on John 20: 19-23.
In this passage, the resurrected Jesus appears to his disciples:

Jesus Appears to His Disciples

 19 On the evening of that first day of the week, when the disciples were together, with the doors locked for fear of the Jewish leaders, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” 20 After he said this, he showed them his hands and side. The disciples were overjoyed when they saw the Lord.
 21 Again Jesus said, “Peace be with you! As the Father has sent me, I am sending you.” 22 And with that he breathed on them and said, “Receive the Holy Spirit. 23 If you forgive anyone’s sins, their sins are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven.”

First, Jesus finds the disciples hiding from Jewish leaders. JM's first big point was that the natural bent of the church is to hide and lock the doors. We are so often content with “playing church” that we rarely step out from our doors and Christian bubbles and attempt to live out what it means to be the church. We live in fear, and sometimes doubt, wondering what people will think about us when we share the gospel, or what they will think of our lives.

We are naturally inclined to believe what we know to be true and to keep it to ourselves as opposed to opening ourselves up to others and sharing what we have. And this so resonates with me. It's easy to be a Christian when you are around other believers. But how about at work? Or with a family that doesn't know the Lord? That is when we need to be bold, but we tend to hide.

This also flows into the idea of what it means to follow Jesus, instead of just being a Christian. Sadly, it is possible in our society to be a “Christian” and not a disciple. Well over half of our population will identify as Christian without even really knowing what that means. The term Christian started out as a derogatory term, and is quickly making its way back there because of the way we as Christians are handling ourselves. We are saying one thing, but doing another.

A disciple, on the other hand, is a follower, and really an apprentice to their teacher. In the bible, the word Christian is only used three times, but the term disciple litters the pages. Being a disciple is not only knowing the truth, but living the truth.

I could care less about being a Christian. I want to be a disciple.

Jesus, after finding his disciples hiding and showing them his wounds to further prove who he is, gives his peace to them and then speaks of sending them as the father has sent him.

This is where the great commission comes in; Jesus sends us out to the world as He was sent out. This is where fear and doubt can start to creep back in. But, this is also where we can overcome, and where we are more than conquerers through Him who loved us!

God does not call the equipped, but he equips the called, and it is the same here. Immediately after speaking on how the disciples were to be sent out, Jesus breathed the Holy Spirit into them and they received it. This is reminiscent of the garden, and God breathing life into Adam. We are incapable of doing anything apart from the Spirit, which is why Jesus breathes it into the disciples.

But, the key is that we have to receive it. If we don't receive the Holy Spirit, we can do nothing..and it's not just us. Because Jesus is both man and God, we assume that He is able to do everything because He is God.

We forget that God limited himself in Jesus so that he could show us how to live in humanity. Jesus was ABLE through the Spirit to do everything that he did.

And that same spirit lives in us.

Now, we're not Jesus...or even close, of course, but the Spirit that lives within us is the exact same. Through the Spirit we are able, just as Jesus was when he received it.

The last part of the passage talks about the forgiveness of sins. When we receive the Holy Spirit, and become disciples of Jesus, we are able to preach the gospel of the resurrected Christ. And, in that gospel, we are given authority to tell anyone and everyone that they have been forgiven of their sins through Jesus. We are not forgiving them for their sins, but we are telling them that Christ already has.

But, with this, we are also given authority to bring people back to Jesus in love, when we know that they are off the path of Jesus. When we can see that disciples are falling away, we are called to remind them of who God is, and what He's done for them. We are called to bring our brothers and sisters to repentance when they are in sin, and to remind them that God is there to forgive a repentant heart.

After breaking down the passage, JM recapped and clued us into a few take away thoughts:

1. We are called to live as disciples. Follow Jesus, and be an apprentice. Learn the ways of your teacher and then live them out. Jesus wants us to either be hot or cold; lukewarm will not do. You are either for Jesus, or against Him, but all he honestly wants is for you to make up your mind.
   
2. We are disciples together. You need community in order to be a disciple. If you want to grow and develop in your walk with Jesus, you need to be surrounded by other believers and disciples. Just like Jesus found his disciples together, so we must be as well, but not hiding behind locked doors. We must be bold – together.
   
3. We are called to live on mission and live out what Jesus teaches. Find out where God has called you, and who He has called you to go with.
   
   

And, lastly, the questions that resonated the most with me were these:
What are you going to follow in the new year? What are you doing to give your life to?

Will we give our lives to money, success, marriage, romance, dating, hedonism, pleasure, food, drink, entertainment, the weekend? Will we accept that this is all God made for us? Is there something more?

Here's what's up:
There is a King and a kingdom who has created you for so much more. Live in light of what you were created to do. Live as a disciple, following your teacher in knowledge and deed.

Ask yourselves these questions, and really answer.  Think about them deeply and let God's voice wash over you.  Have no fear; walk worthy of the call He has placed in your life.



In Christ,



Lilia

Day 72: NYE Thoughts

As I sit here with friends who are as close as sisters, I see this year as one of true testing and blessing.  God brought me back into the fold of an amazing church family, and really called me to live for Him completely, forgetting everything I lack and forgiving me for all of my failures.

I did things I never thought I would do:  serve as a missionary in a foreign country, embrace leading worship, meet new people in crazy ways, forgive, forget, and move on even when I've been incredibly hurt.

He allowed me to laugh, love, and be the most raw and vulnerable I have ever been in my life.

He allowed me to live, and that is a blessing above all else.

I don't know what to expect for 2012, but I know that with God I will never be alone in whatever comes. I have goals for this next year, and chapter, in my life, and the desires of my heart are slowly coming to light.

I desire to truly seek God in every part of my life, to build God-centered friendships and fellowship, to find the job of my dreams, and of course, to find my own love story.

I don't know what He has for me, but I know He is good to me…and I'm so excited!

Think back on 2011 and remember not only your good times, but also your struggles. See how you have developed, grown, and most importantly, how He has been faithful to you. There is none greater than our God.

God bless you all,

Lilia

Day 71: The Line

I think of being content in a positive light. When I am content, I have no problem discussing that with anyone who asks how I am doing in life. What I didn't realize is that sometimes when I voice how content I am, other people might perceive it differently.

Talking with a friend, she noted that her male friends had told her that sometimes when woman are overly forward about how content they are, it seems as if they don't want to be pursued, or that they may have no time for it.

Wait, what?!

At first I was confused...I mean, if we're not content in Christ, then how can we even be pursuable? Who would want to pursue a woman who wasn't completely sold out to her savior and creator?

But then I realized the pressure of pursuit, and what must go into a man's pursuit of a woman. I contemplated how difficult it would be in the first place, and then how much more difficult it would be if a woman seemed emotionally distant because she was so secure in her “contentment.”

Praise God for this moment of teaching, because I really don't want to miss the boat....the love boat that is!

I am unashamed to say that I am a woman who is finding what it really means to be content in God. But, I am learning that I can be content and still inviting.

I can be content and available.

I don't have to be content and emotionally distant. I think my mode of thought was centered around the idea that I just needed to be focused on Christ all the time. And, while that's true, I need to see Christ in every aspect of my life, and that includes the people that step into it, and those that He most likely has put in my path.

I've looked at this scenario in one of two ways: either you're content, or you're desperate. I drew a line in the sand, making it up as I went along instead of seeking out what the essence of a woman after God's heart really is.

I need to live in the middle of these two crazy extremes. I want to be a woman who is content in Christ, but who is inviting to those that He brings into the picture. I don't want to avoid being pursued, but I want to embrace it when I know that it is exactly what God has for me.

In Christ,

Lilia