Day 76: Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

Reflecting on my life, and my God story, I often think back to the way I was raised, and to the choices I made along the way. I was blessed with a solid immediate, and extended, family and for the most part, I was a very happy child. Along the way, I went through some rough patches, but was able to either move on quickly or bury my problems so deep that I never thought they would see the light of day again.
 
Naturally, I was wrong.

And all the things that I did try to store in a deep well ended up spilling over into the rest of my life, and I was caught between being happy and being devastated. I was raised to be proud, and not overly emotional, so I did my best holding everything together while striving for all of my ambitions.
Coming to college, I was so happy to get away from everything that my childhood held. I was escaping from my family, an ex boyfriend who I broke up with so that I could “see what was out there,” and friendships that I felt like I had almost outgrown.

I was immediately thrown into the party scene of college, and I felt right at home. I had been in a cycle of coping with alcohol and sex since the age of 17, and picked up where I left off for the most part. I enjoyed being around new people, and was comfortable with the influences that surrounded me. 
 
The funny thing was that I was paired with a roommate who was a Christian, and it was a bit awkward to begin with. Who was this girl, reading her bible constantly and not partying? How weird was she? I wasn't upset at her, I was just interested...wondering why she chose to live the way she did.

I later found out that everything she was doing was in an effort to save her faith, and that she had hit some difficult times with what she was believing. 
 
It is strange to now see that the unraveling of her faith was the beginning of mine.

College progressed, and I was out of control, until one night when my mind and body gave up on me. In addition to making an idiot out of myself, and having to be carried home by a couple of friends, I lived right across the hall from the RA. 
 
Perfect, right?

She was actually a Christian, too, and years after this incident, I was happy that she did what she did.
I was in trouble, and I had to do a few things to make it right within the college system. It was when I hit this weird rock bottom that I wanted what my roommate had, or was struggling to keep.
I threw myself into going to church, first at our college ministry, and then at Solid Rock, which is now my home church. I was saved at the age of 19, and have been trying to walk with Jesus ever since. A year or two back, I completely stepped away, and so this past year has been my come back to Jesus time.

I share this small part of my story because, for the most part, many of us hate who we've been. For a long time, I was stuck on that...on how misguided I was, how lost. But there's a beauty in that, in the broken and confused.

Lately, I've been talking with a friend who just sent me an email that he wrote ten years ago. To give a little context, this friend is now really reconnecting with Jesus. He is finding what it is to develop and grow in what God has for Him, and is learning to fall in love with God again.

Within this email, a 16 year old version of my friend is found, overjoyed with his love for God. He writes about his goals for life, and really what he wants to be held accountable for, which is impressive for a 16 year old. He writes with a passion for God that brought me to tears.

My friend has not read this email since he wrote it, mostly because he yearns for what his past was. He hates who he has been recently, and finds joy in who he was before. But, when I read the email, I saw the same man in that boy.

Even though his choices in life didn't match up with what his hopes were as a 16 year old, I see the hope and joy within this 16 year old in my friend now. And, although he is much more jaded and broken by the world than he once was, the desire to know who God is and to follow him unashamedly is still there. I can see it.

God has been teaching me that there is no pit so deep that He is not deeper still.

Nothing from our past can overwhelm the power that He has to heal, and to restore. He is in the business of fixing messes like us, and within these two stories, I see God purposefully healing and covering old wounds and sins with love.

The only thing is that we need to let Him.

Often, I find my friend thinking about the past, and how happy he was with where he was. My prayer for him is that he will give himself the chance to be happy, with God, in who he is now. It is true that both of us hate who we've been, for me it was when I was in my childhood/college, and for him it's who he's been for the past few years, but we each know what God can do if we let him...and I pray that we keep that as our focus.

Know, that no matter where you've been, or what you've done, in life, God has plans to prosper and keep you, not to harm you.

Let Him heal your past so that He can bless your future.






In Christ,



Lilia