Day 86: This Friend of Mine

A couple weeks back, it was mentioned at our Sunday gathering that the next series we were going to go through would be about work. I was excited at the thought, because I knew my mind needed to be guarded when it came to work. I was so frustrated with my work that I was happy to have a reminder of how work is good, and something God created.

But then last week, the story changed. The next series was going to be on anxiety, and depression...on worry, and everything that comes with it.

Bummer, I thought at first. I mean, I was interested in that, but I didn't really feel connected to that in any way...and then I spent a little longer thinking on it.

Oh yeah, 2011 was a nightmare for me in multiple ways.

I was incredibly anxious, and dare I say depressed at moments. Was it a clinical problem? Did I have to be medicated or have therapy? No.

But that doesn't make it any less true, or real.

When I thought about my own personal experience with anxiety and depression, or worry, I also thought about one of my friends, whom I often blog about. I find that my writing tends to center around the relationships that are most important to me, relationships with God, family, and friends. So, naturally, I thought of those I knew who struggled with issues of anxiety, and I thought of a very specific person, with a very specific place in my life.

At one point, this person was someone who I was interested in on a relational level. Quickly, things soured, and it didn't seem to be worthy of any further investment. But, God laid this man on my heart for many reasons, and I'm happy that He has kept us in each other's lives as friends.

When I was still struggling through my feelings with my friend, I wrote a poem about him.

I know, typical.

Pathetic. But, whatever.

Much of it has nothing to do with anything that most people would know without knowing specific things about us. But, when I knew that we were going to be discussing the idea of anxiety in church, I went back to this poem because I knew that it harped on a few struggles that my friend had at the time.

This poem was really a prayer, a way for me to highlight what I hoped God would help my friend through. Looking back over the poem, it was incredibly to see God's faithfulness across the page. Issues that I wrote about then were now being worked through, problems were being faced, and God was being sought.

My prayers were being answered as I was reading over a poem I had written with deep hope.

And, looking at the poem, I also realized that as my prayers for my friend were being answered, so were my prayers for myself. In the poem, I not only saw what God did in his life, but what He had done, and is doing, in mine.

Below, I have the poem. I've copied it twice. The first copy is how it was originally written. Under that, there is another copy of the original poem, but this time there are bolded paragraphs offset, to show the change that has happened from the original poem to my friends life now. It's absolutely breathtaking to see...and even more awesome to live.

Untitled – Poem in original form

You are one stranger that could break me.

The saccharine shell around my heart is already cracked

and vulnerability seeps from my chest

like an open wound.

We are stupid, confused sheep who are ignorant

of their Shepherd by choice. But why?

Our lives are backwards, mazes

that we have crafted with our own ways.

I look for a solution, an escape, but you hide

and order the sphinx to remain, regardless

of silly riddles – there is no way in or out,

and that pleases you.

Would it be different if you preferred reality to dreams,

if human nature didn't give way to mistakes

like a lover rudely awakened, instead of rising from a slumber

to warm kisses down the long, calm curvature of the spine?

Yes.

No.

I see a fractured heart, and mind,

and I know I will only ever hear fragments

of what you will never share with anyone.

But, know this.

There is a life-blood pulsing inside you,

amidst your secrets, but you ignore it,

and let shame devour you

while the beating of your heart

unravels into a slow, scarred melody.

I don't know why, but seeing your frustration

has brought me to tears more than once.

I am far away, outside

your scope of touch, and perhaps caring,

but I am okay.

I just want the same for you.

Untitled – poem WITH commentary on what God has done

You are one stranger that could break me.

The saccharine shell around my heart is already cracked

and vulnerability seeps from my chest

like an open wound.

This friend is no longer a stranger in my life. God has allowed him to open up and he is now someone I can talk to about almost anything. My vulnerability is no longer a wound, but a renewed gift from God. He is helping me to restore my trust in people.

We are stupid, confused sheep who are ignorant

of their Shepherd by choice. But why?

Our lives are backwards, mazes

that we have crafted with our own ways.

We still may be stupid (we're human), but we are both actively seeking God and no longer hiding from, or ignoring, the truth. Instead of living backwards, my friend and I are letting the Lord guide our steps, no matter how much it hurts. For me, it's serving at church and for him it's just starting to put roots down in a community of Jesus followers.

I look for a solution, an escape, but you hide

and order the sphinx to remain, regardless

of silly riddles – there is no way in or out,

and that pleases you.

I have stopped trying to look for answers to save my friends, and am instead relying on God to heal my friends struggles. I am realizing that I am called to bear, and not remove, burdens. The metaphor of the Sphinx related to my friends desire to keep people out from knowing his struggles, or issues from the past. Now, he is seeking out Godly relationships and fellowship, and looking to build on his foundation in Christ.

Would it be different if you preferred reality to dreams,

if human nature didn't give way to mistakes

like a lover rudely awakened, instead of rising from a slumber

to warm kisses down the long, calm curvature of the spine?

Our friendship has moved on from stupid mistakes to a friendship centered on what God has for each of us. I am excited to see how God is shaping my friend's life, and mine.

Yes.

No.

God is awesome!

I see a fractured heart, and mind,

and I know I will only ever hear fragments

of what you will never share with anyone.

When I used to look at my friend, I saw his identity as closed off and hurt. Now, when I look at him, or talk to him, I see his identity rooted in Christ. He is being made whole from the inside out...praise Jesus! We have also grown closer and he has opened up his heart to me, which has been an incredible blessing.

But, know this.

There is a life-blood pulsing inside you,

amidst your secrets, but you ignore it,

and let shame devour you

while the beating of your heart

unravels into a slow, scarred melody.

Shame was something that my friend struggled with intensely, but I can see God rearranging his life in amazing ways. He is restoring my friend's faith in what the spirit of God can do in someone's life. He is showing my friend grace in incredibly ways, daily, and my friend is seeing it and accepting it :)

I don't know why, but seeing your frustration

has brought me to tears more than once.

My tears for my friend are now tears of joy for the faithfulness that God has shown. I haven't prayed so much for one person in a long time. It is amazing to see God answer prayers so faithfully. It is beyond humbling.

I am far away, outside

your scope of touch, and perhaps caring,

but I am okay.

I can now confidently call my friend a brother in Christ, and am happy to say that I care about him very much.

I just want the same for you.

I can honestly see that my friend is more than okay because Jesus is back from the dead, and at work in my friend's life and in mine. Praise God!

As you can see, God is so good...so great...He overcomes all. To you who are struggling with issues of your past, or some shame you fear you can't get through, you can...with Jesus.

And, to my friend..who will undoubtedly read this and hopefully not hate me :p, I'm so joyful at what God has done in your life. I know you read this poem before, but I hope you can read it with my annotations and see how God is moving in your life (although I know you are already fully aware).

It's cool to see God shaping lives, and even better to be a part of that process by being refined as well.

At one point, this friendship had me feeling so far from God, but now I see that it has served to truly draw me closer.

In Christ,

Lilia