Day 21: Marriage!

I'm going to be honest. I really didn't have that great of a day...and unfortunately, it really showed. So, sitting here in front of my computer, I wasn't really sure what to write about..or if I was even in an appropriate mindset to blog usefully about anything. And then I just sat and thought about what I did today...and...kaboom, it hit me.

MARRIAGE. Shriek, cower...yikes. That is the affect that this word used to have on me. Growing up I never really gave it much thought. I was not the girl who pictured her wedding day from a young age (although I am morphing into that girl slowly, which is kind of weird) and have always just assumed that something would come together. Well...I'm still waiting.

But, today marriage is on my mind because I had a fun and laid back rehearsal session with a few ladies that I am performing with at Chris and Robin's wedding. I literally sit in awe of them because they are so amazing, but that's another story.

Singing with these girls about love and essentially the love story that Chris and Robin share, not only amongst themselves, but with Christ, is amazing.

How can you not think of marriage when you sing about stuff like that?

Anyway, God is so good at noticing exactly what is on my heart, and He is so good to confirm my feeling that I am so far away from marriage. That is not to say that it's not something I desire, but it is to say that I know God doesn't have that for me yet, mostly because He knows that my heart needs to continue to follow hard after Him.

But, of course, a girl can daydream :)

God is also good at protecting our hearts, even when we make it ever so difficult for Him through our own misguided attempts at happiness. Almost a year ago, I was seeing a Godly man who I thought God was placing into my life for a very important reason. However, quickly I saw that this was not the case...but I pushed anyway, and I allowed myself to be pursued by this man who I knew wasn't right for me. And, even though this man was already divorced, I somehow made myself think that perhaps we could work out even though it weighed heavily on my heart. Long story short, he ended up hurting me more than I thought possible – and not because of any physical impurity – but because I heard God's voice about matters of my heart and I ignored it. I trusted myself instead of God, and the world devoured me.

During this time, I wrote this poem, and so I'll end my blog with it. Basically, God is teaching me that marriage is something beautiful, but also that it is something that we are uniquely called to by Him and Him alone.

The Untangling

I’m glad we never became more,

and stayed far away from echad.

Just hearing about the tearing

of flesh makes me sick,

and I don’t think you could survive

again.

I look back, wishing I trusted Him.

I knew He was right when He said

we were nothing but confusion, two souls

too damaged to find meaning.

Selah.

Stand still,

because I am in deeper than you know,

than I know.

The pressure in my heart builds

as I begin The Untangling, this business

of the separate. 

I move gently, forward,

away from your heart,

beyond your soul,

and out of your life. 

In Christ,

Lilia