Day 15: Whose I Am

For years, before I came to know the Lord, I relished the experience of living an impure life. Whether it was the social life that came with the later years of high school, and college, or the immature relationships I continually put myself in with men, I knew something was wrong...but I really couldn't figure it out.

When I came to know God, I immediately knew what I desired. I wanted purity, and a relationship with a man that would fulfill me, instead of leaving me feeling empty and somewhat used. But then again, I returned to my old habits and walked away from God in favor of a “good time.” How sad...I mean, really...I finally knew what I was created for, but I chose something else because I thought I knew what I was doing.

Oh, free will...such a gift that we sometimes make into a curse.

Today, I read Proverbs 7-9 and these proverbs are a call away from the adulteress and a call to wisdom. Although I've never been an “adulterous,” in the typical sense of the word, I see this woman as anyone who lives in impurity and outside of obedience to God. The scary part was that I recognized so many pieces of this woman. The scarier part is that I recognized these pieces because at one time, I was this woman.

Talking with a friend today, I mused on how I used to be so bold in my initiation of experiences with men. I saw what I wanted and I went to get it. I was eager to pursue what I thought I could have, and I saw nothing wrong with it. The way I went about things reminds me of the woman of proverb 7, and even the woman called Folly in proverb 9. Loud and undisciplined, my feet were always moving, from one guy to the next. Granted, I was selective in who I chose to ultimately “be” with, I always made sure that if I was ending a relationship with one guy, I had one that could be started within a reasonable amount of time.

How sad is that? How pathetic is that?

Looking back I am disappointed, but then I remember that I'm not called to that life, or mulling over the past. God is teaching me that I am not that girl, that my feet are not always moving anymore, but now stand on a solid rock, on a foundation that existed before the earth was made.

Praise God for his grace, a gift that He gave freely, but paid the ultimate price for.

And praise Him for His word, a constant reminder that it's not about who I am, but whose I am.